We had a 10 day old baby boy placed in our home. He was labeled low legal risk and low special needs. Even so, the first goal of the State of Texas is to reunify the child with their biological family. Case Workers are required to do due diligence in searching for biological family. Both the biological mother and father expressed a desire to reclaim their child. Older biological siblings were found that were of an age to take custody. As far as we know, there was no extended family found other than the siblings.
So biology matters, it really matters when you take your child to the emergency room in the middle of the night. There is nothing more miserable than an infant with an uncontrollable fever. My personal fear is that my child will stop breathing, and our foster child gave us plenty of wheezing and scares to feed my fear. We went to the emergency room several times.
When you go to the emergency room, one of the first things they ask is family medical history. Other than the birth record, we know nothing about the family medical history. With the due diligence in locating the biological family, inquiries were made, but the biological family chose not to disclose. As a foster/adoptive parent you have nothing to help motivate the family to disclose. We tried to get a judge to require disclosure, but the best the judge could do was recommend disclosure. Thankfully, by the age of four our son had pretty much out grown the wheezing and the fevers.
So what are the biological family rights? Well, they apparently have the right to withhold family medical history. They also have at least a year to demonstrate efforts to reclaim their child. Since reunification is the ultimate goal, the State will develop a plan for the biological parents/family to fulfill. The plan includes classes and demonstration of financial responsibility as in maintaining a place to live and keeping a job. Plans vary from case to case. To keep a child in foster care and unavailable for adoption, the biological family only has to demonstrate a desire for reunification. They are never required to complete the plan. If they attend a class here and there, appear for a court date or two, they can drag the foster plan out until the child ages out at 18 years old.
In our case, both biological parents started their plans which brings us to the next step in the foster to adopt process, the hold your breath phase.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Step Six: Placement
Placement is such a joyous time. The excitement of the placement of an adopted child is just as exciting as the birth of a new baby, but unfortunately, this joy has some strings attached. We had a 10 day old baby boy placed in our home. He was labeled low legal risk and low special needs. Even so, the first goal of the State of Texas is to reunify the child with their biological family. We had placement. We had joy. We held our breath.
Once you have placement you then start the paper work, the interviews and the court dates. Every thing a placed child does in your home has to be documented. There are forms for taking him to the doctor. There are forms to chart every bit of medicine including saline solution and baby aspirin. There are forms to fill out if you want to travel and stay overnight somewhere other than your home (weekend trips, vacations,…). There are forms to fill out if you want to leave your child with a babysitter or family member. You don’t just fill the forms out, you have to submit them and some require prior approval before you can go forward (trips and babysitters). If you intend to take the child out of state for a vacation, not only does it need to be submitted and approved, it has to go before a court judge.
I don’t understand the reports of children that are neglected in foster care. Every quarter we had a packet we had to fill out regarding the development of the baby. We submitted, and it was reviewed. We had people calling us when they saw in the packet that the baby was not doing whatever it was supposed to be doing (rolling over, feeding itself…). We had people in our home doing evaluations and tests with the baby to check his development. The child’s State assigned Case Worker was required to visit the child at least once a month to physically evaluate the child’s home environment, health and safety of the child, and evaluate the foster parents. Granted our Case Worker would get overloaded. Sometime we just had a quick phone interview of us, but the case worker did go to the baby’s day care for a physical evaluation of the health of the baby. In addition to forms and Case Worker interviews, there were quarterly court dates. Quarterly a judge reviewed all the paper work and had the Case Worker say under oath that they had physically seen the child and the child was in good care. The judge also looked at reunification and what the biological family was doing, but that is a story for another time.
We filled out forms, made ourselves, our home, our family available for interviews and evaluations, and we appeared in court. We documented. IMPORTANT TIP: don’t just document by filling out forms, TAKE PICTURES. Take lots of pictures and submit them. The judge will look at the pictures. The lawyers will look at the pictures. If the biological family is involved, they will look at the pictures. Pictures demonstrate a snap shot of health and happiness. As a foster parent, as a potential adoptive parent, you want to demonstrate that you will provide a healthy environment and happy, loving environment.
Placement is just one of many steps on this journey. Keep holding your breath, next biology matters.
Once you have placement you then start the paper work, the interviews and the court dates. Every thing a placed child does in your home has to be documented. There are forms for taking him to the doctor. There are forms to chart every bit of medicine including saline solution and baby aspirin. There are forms to fill out if you want to travel and stay overnight somewhere other than your home (weekend trips, vacations,…). There are forms to fill out if you want to leave your child with a babysitter or family member. You don’t just fill the forms out, you have to submit them and some require prior approval before you can go forward (trips and babysitters). If you intend to take the child out of state for a vacation, not only does it need to be submitted and approved, it has to go before a court judge.
I don’t understand the reports of children that are neglected in foster care. Every quarter we had a packet we had to fill out regarding the development of the baby. We submitted, and it was reviewed. We had people calling us when they saw in the packet that the baby was not doing whatever it was supposed to be doing (rolling over, feeding itself…). We had people in our home doing evaluations and tests with the baby to check his development. The child’s State assigned Case Worker was required to visit the child at least once a month to physically evaluate the child’s home environment, health and safety of the child, and evaluate the foster parents. Granted our Case Worker would get overloaded. Sometime we just had a quick phone interview of us, but the case worker did go to the baby’s day care for a physical evaluation of the health of the baby. In addition to forms and Case Worker interviews, there were quarterly court dates. Quarterly a judge reviewed all the paper work and had the Case Worker say under oath that they had physically seen the child and the child was in good care. The judge also looked at reunification and what the biological family was doing, but that is a story for another time.
We filled out forms, made ourselves, our home, our family available for interviews and evaluations, and we appeared in court. We documented. IMPORTANT TIP: don’t just document by filling out forms, TAKE PICTURES. Take lots of pictures and submit them. The judge will look at the pictures. The lawyers will look at the pictures. If the biological family is involved, they will look at the pictures. Pictures demonstrate a snap shot of health and happiness. As a foster parent, as a potential adoptive parent, you want to demonstrate that you will provide a healthy environment and happy, loving environment.
Placement is just one of many steps on this journey. Keep holding your breath, next biology matters.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Step Five: Picking You
We were certified, we were networking and now we were being considered as a family to foster a child until they were available for adoption.
We said, “Yes,” to a number of children’s profiles. We were short listed and taken to a few “Four Ways” (see Step Four: Pick ME! For more information about “Four Ways.”). Eventually, we were selected as a home for a waiting child, well, in this case children. We were so excited. In the formal process, once you are selected, there is a number of meet and greets you have with the child or children. The first time you meet the child, you do not take them with you. This is just an introduction. The next time you meet the child, you get to take them with you but not overnight. You can take them out to dinner or to the park, but you do not take them home. Next, you take them home, but only for a night or two. Each step the Case Workers, you and the child are evaluating compatibility. If all goes well, the next step is to move the child into your home. This is a best case scenario and in the real world, not always possible.
We had been selected to take two boys of Hispanic decent. They were in foster care, but there was some urgency to have them placed in a home. We were supposed to skip all the meet and greets and just move them in. The week they were supposed to move in, we were notified that they were no longer available for placement. A family member had stepped up and was taking custody. It was a little fishy to us that we were skipping the meet and greets, but the move date had been postponed two weeks. Were they really available for placement or were we being used to motivate somebody? There was no way to know, so we tried to recover from this disappointment by dreaming that they were happy and safe.
Time passed and discouragement set in. We still received calls, but it broke my heart every time we were not selected. We always asked why we were not selected. The Case Worker didn’t like answering that question, but she was more inclined to discuss the family that was selected. I noticed in our conversations that in the family that was selected, the Mom did not work. I was a working Mom. My heart sank.
Then the call came. We still don’t know why they didn’t call me, but called my husband. I am glad that they did. With all the disappointment and my sinking heart, if I had heard the profile, I probably would have said, “no.” My husband was called and told we had an hour to decide if we wanted to be submitted. If we wanted to be submitted, we would need to go to the hospital right away for an interview. The excitement in my husband’s voice was amazing. I ditched my job, grabbed our other son and we took off for the hospital.
We expected to meet more Case Workers and other families and agencies. It was quiet and lonely in the waiting room. Thankfully, we had our five year old son with us to keep us busy. When we were taken back into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, the nurse looked at me and said, “you must be the mom. Would you like to hold your child?” What could I do? I cried, my heart was in my throat. I held that child. I had to sit down. I was shaking. My husband just smiled at us. Our other son was far more interested in all the cool gadgets in the room and was not terribly interested in the baby. I pulled a little bitty hand out from under the blanket and then looked at all his precious toes. The baby never cried. He slept comfortably in my arms and was not concerned a bit of this strange person touching his fingers and toes. He was beautiful. He was perfect.
We placed the baby back in his crib and then were escorted to another room to talk with the Case Workers and Nurse. We thought it would be an interview to see if we were a good fit for the child. It did not take long to figure out that we were the only family for this child. We listened to the Case Worker tell us about the tragedy the mother had been through, the tragedy the father was in and the tragedy the baby had survived. We listened to the Nurse tell us about the complications with the birth, the limited medial history, the potential for long term effects. The baby was ten days old and had already been through so much. We listened to short term care and long term care. My husband and I had to take a time out. We had to step back from the emotion of the moment and discuss what it all meant. We both decided it meant we needed to take that child home.
Placement was here, but was it permanent? This was a question not easily answered.
We said, “Yes,” to a number of children’s profiles. We were short listed and taken to a few “Four Ways” (see Step Four: Pick ME! For more information about “Four Ways.”). Eventually, we were selected as a home for a waiting child, well, in this case children. We were so excited. In the formal process, once you are selected, there is a number of meet and greets you have with the child or children. The first time you meet the child, you do not take them with you. This is just an introduction. The next time you meet the child, you get to take them with you but not overnight. You can take them out to dinner or to the park, but you do not take them home. Next, you take them home, but only for a night or two. Each step the Case Workers, you and the child are evaluating compatibility. If all goes well, the next step is to move the child into your home. This is a best case scenario and in the real world, not always possible.
We had been selected to take two boys of Hispanic decent. They were in foster care, but there was some urgency to have them placed in a home. We were supposed to skip all the meet and greets and just move them in. The week they were supposed to move in, we were notified that they were no longer available for placement. A family member had stepped up and was taking custody. It was a little fishy to us that we were skipping the meet and greets, but the move date had been postponed two weeks. Were they really available for placement or were we being used to motivate somebody? There was no way to know, so we tried to recover from this disappointment by dreaming that they were happy and safe.
Time passed and discouragement set in. We still received calls, but it broke my heart every time we were not selected. We always asked why we were not selected. The Case Worker didn’t like answering that question, but she was more inclined to discuss the family that was selected. I noticed in our conversations that in the family that was selected, the Mom did not work. I was a working Mom. My heart sank.
Then the call came. We still don’t know why they didn’t call me, but called my husband. I am glad that they did. With all the disappointment and my sinking heart, if I had heard the profile, I probably would have said, “no.” My husband was called and told we had an hour to decide if we wanted to be submitted. If we wanted to be submitted, we would need to go to the hospital right away for an interview. The excitement in my husband’s voice was amazing. I ditched my job, grabbed our other son and we took off for the hospital.
We expected to meet more Case Workers and other families and agencies. It was quiet and lonely in the waiting room. Thankfully, we had our five year old son with us to keep us busy. When we were taken back into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, the nurse looked at me and said, “you must be the mom. Would you like to hold your child?” What could I do? I cried, my heart was in my throat. I held that child. I had to sit down. I was shaking. My husband just smiled at us. Our other son was far more interested in all the cool gadgets in the room and was not terribly interested in the baby. I pulled a little bitty hand out from under the blanket and then looked at all his precious toes. The baby never cried. He slept comfortably in my arms and was not concerned a bit of this strange person touching his fingers and toes. He was beautiful. He was perfect.
We placed the baby back in his crib and then were escorted to another room to talk with the Case Workers and Nurse. We thought it would be an interview to see if we were a good fit for the child. It did not take long to figure out that we were the only family for this child. We listened to the Case Worker tell us about the tragedy the mother had been through, the tragedy the father was in and the tragedy the baby had survived. We listened to the Nurse tell us about the complications with the birth, the limited medial history, the potential for long term effects. The baby was ten days old and had already been through so much. We listened to short term care and long term care. My husband and I had to take a time out. We had to step back from the emotion of the moment and discuss what it all meant. We both decided it meant we needed to take that child home.
Placement was here, but was it permanent? This was a question not easily answered.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Step Four: Pick ME!
Finally, we were certified to foster. Our home was ready to greet a new child. What is next? Next is a very frustrating game that requires skills in networking and marketing.
At any given time in the City of Houston alone there are more than a 1,000 children available for adoption. You would think with such a high number, having a child placed in your home would be quick. It is not. Depending on how restricted you are in what type of child you will receive, you could wait 6 months or up to 5 years. Five years being for those who will only accept infant, Caucasian, girls. If you are willing to accept boys and/or girls, your wait is shorter. If you are willing to receive children of other races, the wait is shorter. If you are willing to accept sibling groups (2 or more brothers and/or sisters), your wait could be even shorter.
We were open to a boy or girl of any race and sibling groups of up to three. We were restricted on the number in the sibling group because of the size of our house. To foster in the State of Texas, there is a number of square feet of living space that you have to have per person in the household. Our house was certified for four children and we already had one, so a sibling group of 2 or three was it for us. We didn’t get a sibling group, so really a mute question.
In the State of Texas there are a lot of good intentions developed into the foster program. The first goal is to reunify children with their parents, guardians or at least someone of significance already in the child’s life. When that is not possible, the child is placed in foster care. There are a lot of agencies that work with the State to help place children in loving homes. When a child needs placement, a call goes out to all the agencies and State Case Workers with a brief profile of the child and the situation. The agencies then go through their waiting families and try to select the family best suited for that child. They call the family and give them the brief profile and a choice to be submitted. If the family agrees, their application is submitted to the State. Of all the families of all the agencies, the State tries to select the best (I think it is three) three families each from a different agency. This is the short list and a meeting will be held called a “Four Way” where each agency will give their case to the State why their family is the best family for this child. The State then awards placement. This, of course, is the best case scenario and not always possible.
A suggestion our agency made to help promote our family was to create a Family Life Book. Our Case Worker then would submit our Family Book along with our application to help the State decided to select us. In our book, we dedicated one page per family member plus a page about the family pet, a page about the community and a page about our church. I like graphic design and photography so I added plenty of pictures and graphic elements.
If there is any advice I can give a waiting family, it is pictures. Take lots of pictures, happy pictures in good lighting. If you have kids and want more kids, take pictures of your kids. If you don’t have kids but have a pet, take lots of pictures of your pet. If you don’t have kids or a pet, take pictures of your extended family. If you are alone in this world, take pictures of you at places you would like to take your future child too. Nothing makes you more real than you. Take a picture of you. Giving the State a real person through a photo helps them see that you are the real deal and ready for placement.
So we are waiting for placement, waiting for a child to be placed in our home. We were not getting any calls. We eventually discovered that many children are in an emergency placement situation, and there is not enough time to go through a formal process to select a family. We knew we were one of many families waiting so to help keep our name at the top of the call list, we decided to call every week. We also discovered that the State had open houses where agencies and State Case Workers come together to discuss new policies and procedures and children already in foster care in need of more permanent placement. The State’s objective is to keep each child on the front of everybody’s mind so nobody gets lost or left out. The agencies are able to review case studies and profiles. Since families come and go through the process, this meet and greet is a good opportunity to be reminded of an old case that is perfect for a new family.
Even though we are not an agency, my husband and I went to a few of these meetings. It was a good networking opportunity. We met many State representatives in Child Protective Services. Our theory was not just to look good on paper, but to look good in person. We hoped to not be just a name on a piece of paper, but when a child came up and our family was submitted, we hoped we had met that Case Worker and that they said, “Oh, I met this family. Let’s call them in.” There is no way for us to tell, but our phone began to ring.
At any given time in the City of Houston alone there are more than a 1,000 children available for adoption. You would think with such a high number, having a child placed in your home would be quick. It is not. Depending on how restricted you are in what type of child you will receive, you could wait 6 months or up to 5 years. Five years being for those who will only accept infant, Caucasian, girls. If you are willing to accept boys and/or girls, your wait is shorter. If you are willing to receive children of other races, the wait is shorter. If you are willing to accept sibling groups (2 or more brothers and/or sisters), your wait could be even shorter.
We were open to a boy or girl of any race and sibling groups of up to three. We were restricted on the number in the sibling group because of the size of our house. To foster in the State of Texas, there is a number of square feet of living space that you have to have per person in the household. Our house was certified for four children and we already had one, so a sibling group of 2 or three was it for us. We didn’t get a sibling group, so really a mute question.
In the State of Texas there are a lot of good intentions developed into the foster program. The first goal is to reunify children with their parents, guardians or at least someone of significance already in the child’s life. When that is not possible, the child is placed in foster care. There are a lot of agencies that work with the State to help place children in loving homes. When a child needs placement, a call goes out to all the agencies and State Case Workers with a brief profile of the child and the situation. The agencies then go through their waiting families and try to select the family best suited for that child. They call the family and give them the brief profile and a choice to be submitted. If the family agrees, their application is submitted to the State. Of all the families of all the agencies, the State tries to select the best (I think it is three) three families each from a different agency. This is the short list and a meeting will be held called a “Four Way” where each agency will give their case to the State why their family is the best family for this child. The State then awards placement. This, of course, is the best case scenario and not always possible.
A suggestion our agency made to help promote our family was to create a Family Life Book. Our Case Worker then would submit our Family Book along with our application to help the State decided to select us. In our book, we dedicated one page per family member plus a page about the family pet, a page about the community and a page about our church. I like graphic design and photography so I added plenty of pictures and graphic elements.
If there is any advice I can give a waiting family, it is pictures. Take lots of pictures, happy pictures in good lighting. If you have kids and want more kids, take pictures of your kids. If you don’t have kids but have a pet, take lots of pictures of your pet. If you don’t have kids or a pet, take pictures of your extended family. If you are alone in this world, take pictures of you at places you would like to take your future child too. Nothing makes you more real than you. Take a picture of you. Giving the State a real person through a photo helps them see that you are the real deal and ready for placement.
So we are waiting for placement, waiting for a child to be placed in our home. We were not getting any calls. We eventually discovered that many children are in an emergency placement situation, and there is not enough time to go through a formal process to select a family. We knew we were one of many families waiting so to help keep our name at the top of the call list, we decided to call every week. We also discovered that the State had open houses where agencies and State Case Workers come together to discuss new policies and procedures and children already in foster care in need of more permanent placement. The State’s objective is to keep each child on the front of everybody’s mind so nobody gets lost or left out. The agencies are able to review case studies and profiles. Since families come and go through the process, this meet and greet is a good opportunity to be reminded of an old case that is perfect for a new family.
Even though we are not an agency, my husband and I went to a few of these meetings. It was a good networking opportunity. We met many State representatives in Child Protective Services. Our theory was not just to look good on paper, but to look good in person. We hoped to not be just a name on a piece of paper, but when a child came up and our family was submitted, we hoped we had met that Case Worker and that they said, “Oh, I met this family. Let’s call them in.” There is no way for us to tell, but our phone began to ring.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Step Four: Prepare your Heart
Our journey to get certified to foster led us down a path we did not expect. The hardest most, heart wrenching, thought provoking part of the process was filling out the survey to determine what type of child we were able to foster and potentially adopt. Honesty and good intentions do not make you a good parent for all children. There are other things to consider.
While we were taking our certification classes, we had a packet of forms to fill out. In these forms there was a very long survey that really helped my husband and I talk about how extreme a special need we thought we could handle. When we thought of Special Needs, we thought of handicapped. A wheelchair or walker, no problem for us; we thought physical handicaps are no problem. We could learn sign language or adapt to the needs of the blind. The survey got detailed and asked questions that we had not thought about regarding feeding tubes and breathing machines and medications. We had to talk a lot.
Our hearts said we could care for any child with any need, but our minds made us do a reality check. Some of these medical needs would not be short term. Some of these needs would place this child in our home for life. A lifetime commitment was what we were making, but a lifetime caring for a child that would never be independent that would physically live with us for our entire life made us think. We wouldn’t just be making this commitment for ourselves. We would be making this commitment for the son we already had. Who would care for the child that grew into an adult when we were gone? Aside from all the doctors, the time, the money; we had to think about our extended family.
As we thought about our extended family, we thought about the impact of a mentally challenged child. Our first thoughts were of Down syndrome and cases like that. We knew families affected by Down syndrome, and they loved their kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world. We could handle it, but could our son? Could our extended family? Then as we went through the survey, the survey broadened our minds to the possibilities of what mental challenge meant. It reached far beyond Down syndrome.
What about children of abuse and neglect? The classes told us about odd habits that seem harmless, but may be signs of a long term mental challenge such as food hording. Some children don’t have a special blanket, doll or teddy bear; and some children don’t have any attachment to any toy of any kind. Some children have attachment disorders which means they will not bond with you. Therapy can help, but it may take years, or never, before the child will hold your hand or give you a hug. I am not a real touchy-feely person, but I hug my kids a lot. It would break my heart to not be able to hug and hold my kids. Could I handle a child who was incapable of hugging? It made me think.
For us with a small child already in our home and limited financial means, we decided we were best suited for a child of low legal risk and low rate of special needs. Our check list was getting checked off. Our focus moved from certification to aesthetics. We looked at our home. We wanted to make it ready and inviting to any child placed with us. Time to move to the next step.
While we were taking our certification classes, we had a packet of forms to fill out. In these forms there was a very long survey that really helped my husband and I talk about how extreme a special need we thought we could handle. When we thought of Special Needs, we thought of handicapped. A wheelchair or walker, no problem for us; we thought physical handicaps are no problem. We could learn sign language or adapt to the needs of the blind. The survey got detailed and asked questions that we had not thought about regarding feeding tubes and breathing machines and medications. We had to talk a lot.
Our hearts said we could care for any child with any need, but our minds made us do a reality check. Some of these medical needs would not be short term. Some of these needs would place this child in our home for life. A lifetime commitment was what we were making, but a lifetime caring for a child that would never be independent that would physically live with us for our entire life made us think. We wouldn’t just be making this commitment for ourselves. We would be making this commitment for the son we already had. Who would care for the child that grew into an adult when we were gone? Aside from all the doctors, the time, the money; we had to think about our extended family.
As we thought about our extended family, we thought about the impact of a mentally challenged child. Our first thoughts were of Down syndrome and cases like that. We knew families affected by Down syndrome, and they loved their kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world. We could handle it, but could our son? Could our extended family? Then as we went through the survey, the survey broadened our minds to the possibilities of what mental challenge meant. It reached far beyond Down syndrome.
What about children of abuse and neglect? The classes told us about odd habits that seem harmless, but may be signs of a long term mental challenge such as food hording. Some children don’t have a special blanket, doll or teddy bear; and some children don’t have any attachment to any toy of any kind. Some children have attachment disorders which means they will not bond with you. Therapy can help, but it may take years, or never, before the child will hold your hand or give you a hug. I am not a real touchy-feely person, but I hug my kids a lot. It would break my heart to not be able to hug and hold my kids. Could I handle a child who was incapable of hugging? It made me think.
For us with a small child already in our home and limited financial means, we decided we were best suited for a child of low legal risk and low rate of special needs. Our check list was getting checked off. Our focus moved from certification to aesthetics. We looked at our home. We wanted to make it ready and inviting to any child placed with us. Time to move to the next step.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Step Three: Certification
Along the Adoption Journey, especially if you go through Special Needs Adoption, many doors will open and then close. When the doors close, you open a window. As long as the winds of hope blow, your journey continues.
We had made the decision to adopt. We had decided that Special Needs Adoption was the path for us. We had an agency and case worker on our side. Now we set out to jump through all the hoops to be certified and eligible to foster to adopt. First things first, easier said than done. What did we need to do first? Not an easy question to answer, but we started making lists and then just started checking things off.
Every step of the way, our eyes were opened more and more. You think because you are an adult who has lived through some stuff; you have watched the news; you have read the papers; you have seen some movies; you have read some books; you think you know what to expect. As you go through the training classes, the trainers tell you the extremes, the worst case scenarios. They try to prepare you to accept, love and care for the most needy. They try to weed out the people just in it for the pay check. They try to weed out the people doing it as their civic, moral or charitable “duty” and not realizing what the potential for a really long term commitment this is. This is not just a commitment that could last a life time. It is a commitment that impacts you, your finances, your extended family and your community. Your schools, your church, the kids at the playground are all going to interact with you and any child you bring into your home.
My husband became irritated by some of the hoops we had to jump through. Time and time again we talked about the process not being designed for people like us. We like to think of ourselves as hard working, honest, and loving with best intentions. The process was designed for the worst case scenario. We don’t know, but we certainly hoped, that the process was designed to make people with the wrong motives think twice before taking a child into their homes. Of course, it does not always work, but here is a tip. If the class comes to the question and answer period and your first and only question is “when does the State start paying me?” then you are in it for the wrong reasons.
Things we had to do: take P.R.I.D.E. classes, get home up to code, collect references, complete a ton of paperwork including background check information and financial records, and get finger printed. There was more nitty gritty stuff. We got it done.
The hardest most heart wrenching, thought provoking part of the process, filling out the survey to determine what type of child we were able to foster and potentially adopt. Honesty and good intentions do not make you a good parent for all children. There are other things to consider; more about that tomorrow.
We had made the decision to adopt. We had decided that Special Needs Adoption was the path for us. We had an agency and case worker on our side. Now we set out to jump through all the hoops to be certified and eligible to foster to adopt. First things first, easier said than done. What did we need to do first? Not an easy question to answer, but we started making lists and then just started checking things off.
Every step of the way, our eyes were opened more and more. You think because you are an adult who has lived through some stuff; you have watched the news; you have read the papers; you have seen some movies; you have read some books; you think you know what to expect. As you go through the training classes, the trainers tell you the extremes, the worst case scenarios. They try to prepare you to accept, love and care for the most needy. They try to weed out the people just in it for the pay check. They try to weed out the people doing it as their civic, moral or charitable “duty” and not realizing what the potential for a really long term commitment this is. This is not just a commitment that could last a life time. It is a commitment that impacts you, your finances, your extended family and your community. Your schools, your church, the kids at the playground are all going to interact with you and any child you bring into your home.
My husband became irritated by some of the hoops we had to jump through. Time and time again we talked about the process not being designed for people like us. We like to think of ourselves as hard working, honest, and loving with best intentions. The process was designed for the worst case scenario. We don’t know, but we certainly hoped, that the process was designed to make people with the wrong motives think twice before taking a child into their homes. Of course, it does not always work, but here is a tip. If the class comes to the question and answer period and your first and only question is “when does the State start paying me?” then you are in it for the wrong reasons.
Things we had to do: take P.R.I.D.E. classes, get home up to code, collect references, complete a ton of paperwork including background check information and financial records, and get finger printed. There was more nitty gritty stuff. We got it done.
The hardest most heart wrenching, thought provoking part of the process, filling out the survey to determine what type of child we were able to foster and potentially adopt. Honesty and good intentions do not make you a good parent for all children. There are other things to consider; more about that tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Step Two: Choosing an Agency
As the winds of hope blew, we searched for an adoption agency to facilitate the program. There are a ton of ways to adopt and a ton of agencies who want to take your money, I mean help you with your adoption. We had decided the expense of an international or direct/baby adoption was beyond our means. We had discovered the Foster to Adopt program, more commonly known as “Special Needs” adoption, and decided this was the one for us.
I started making phone calls. Many agencies don’t actually have human beings answering their phones. The automated “menu” is often encrypted with terms a newbie to the adoption process doesn’t understand. I was going down the list, leaving messages, when unexpectedly I heard a live person’s voice. At first I didn’t respond to the friendly, “Homes of St. Mark, how can I help you?” The friendly voice came again, “Homes of St. Mark, may I help you?” I fumbled and then blurted, “I want to adopt, but I don’t know where to start.” The friendly voice then informed me of an open house and gave us an invitation to meet with live people. We accepted the invitation. Our door was open, and we were walking through.
At the open house we met with live people from the agency and live people in the same phase as us. We were shown pictures and given testimony of real children and real people becoming parents. We were informed of the processes, the expenses and given suggestions on how to get started and how to fund. We were even assigned a case worker that would hold our hand and help us through.
Our Case Worker was Our Case Worker, not the child’s. This beautiful, wonderful person talked to us, learned about us, counseled us and got us through the entire process from beginning to end. She helped us cross all our T’s and dot all our I’s for certification, she helped us get a child placed in our home, and she held our hands at the final court date that made our child legally ours. She was wonderful. She didn’t just hold our hands, she encouraged us, cried with us (well, she cried with me; my husband does not cry.) and rejoiced with us.
When everything was done, my husband and I both felt a bit of loss as we said good bye to our Case Worker. We touched base with her a few times, but we were moving on to raising our children. She was moving on to helping new families on their journey. Since then, she has left the agency to explore new ways of helping people. We have lost touch with her, but we will never forget her. We can never thank her enough for the part she played in helping us grow our family. We can never thank her enough.
I started making phone calls. Many agencies don’t actually have human beings answering their phones. The automated “menu” is often encrypted with terms a newbie to the adoption process doesn’t understand. I was going down the list, leaving messages, when unexpectedly I heard a live person’s voice. At first I didn’t respond to the friendly, “Homes of St. Mark, how can I help you?” The friendly voice came again, “Homes of St. Mark, may I help you?” I fumbled and then blurted, “I want to adopt, but I don’t know where to start.” The friendly voice then informed me of an open house and gave us an invitation to meet with live people. We accepted the invitation. Our door was open, and we were walking through.
At the open house we met with live people from the agency and live people in the same phase as us. We were shown pictures and given testimony of real children and real people becoming parents. We were informed of the processes, the expenses and given suggestions on how to get started and how to fund. We were even assigned a case worker that would hold our hand and help us through.
Our Case Worker was Our Case Worker, not the child’s. This beautiful, wonderful person talked to us, learned about us, counseled us and got us through the entire process from beginning to end. She helped us cross all our T’s and dot all our I’s for certification, she helped us get a child placed in our home, and she held our hands at the final court date that made our child legally ours. She was wonderful. She didn’t just hold our hands, she encouraged us, cried with us (well, she cried with me; my husband does not cry.) and rejoiced with us.
When everything was done, my husband and I both felt a bit of loss as we said good bye to our Case Worker. We touched base with her a few times, but we were moving on to raising our children. She was moving on to helping new families on their journey. Since then, she has left the agency to explore new ways of helping people. We have lost touch with her, but we will never forget her. We can never thank her enough for the part she played in helping us grow our family. We can never thank her enough.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Step One: Choosing a Process (part two)
Yesterday, as we started a recount of the adoption process as we experienced it with our son, we saw several doors shut. When doors close, it is time to open a window.
As I contemplated what makes a family, beat myself up for not being satisfied with one beautiful bouncing baby boy, mourned the loss of a child that would never be born, cried over the expense of fertility treatments and adoption, fumed over the injustice of placing a price tag on a child’s life, my life went on.
I had just about reconciled all my emotions when I accidentally discovered Special Needs adoption. I was at McDonald’s watching my beautiful baby boy play on the inside playground when a woman with three beautiful girls came in. She noticed I was staring and was all too happy to tell me how her family grew. She told me about Special Needs adoption. She told me that the State would pay me to care for a child until the adoption was finalized and depending on our situation, the State may even pay for all our legal expenses and provide other benefits for the child. We have a winner! Special Needs, also known as foster to adopt, adoption was the one for us.
About Special Needs Adoption, in the State of Texas the primary goal of Child Protective Services is reunification. Of course, there is the reality that reunification is not always possible. To assure children are cared for during the process of determining whether or not reunification is possible, children at risk are put into foster care. As soon as a child is put into protective custody a number of assessments are made including legal risk and level of special needs. Legal risk is the likelihood that the child will be returned to their family. A low level, the child will most likely not go back to their parents/guardians. A high level, the child will go back to their parents/guardians. Special needs define the level of care a child will need from just food, shelter and clothing to round the clock medical care.
Foster Care Parents choose what level of legal risk and special needs they are able to care for. Since we already had a small child and limited financial means, we stayed low on both legal risk and special needs. Our journey had begun. The open window had allowed a wind of hope to blow open a door. All we needed now was an agency.
As I contemplated what makes a family, beat myself up for not being satisfied with one beautiful bouncing baby boy, mourned the loss of a child that would never be born, cried over the expense of fertility treatments and adoption, fumed over the injustice of placing a price tag on a child’s life, my life went on.
I had just about reconciled all my emotions when I accidentally discovered Special Needs adoption. I was at McDonald’s watching my beautiful baby boy play on the inside playground when a woman with three beautiful girls came in. She noticed I was staring and was all too happy to tell me how her family grew. She told me about Special Needs adoption. She told me that the State would pay me to care for a child until the adoption was finalized and depending on our situation, the State may even pay for all our legal expenses and provide other benefits for the child. We have a winner! Special Needs, also known as foster to adopt, adoption was the one for us.
About Special Needs Adoption, in the State of Texas the primary goal of Child Protective Services is reunification. Of course, there is the reality that reunification is not always possible. To assure children are cared for during the process of determining whether or not reunification is possible, children at risk are put into foster care. As soon as a child is put into protective custody a number of assessments are made including legal risk and level of special needs. Legal risk is the likelihood that the child will be returned to their family. A low level, the child will most likely not go back to their parents/guardians. A high level, the child will go back to their parents/guardians. Special needs define the level of care a child will need from just food, shelter and clothing to round the clock medical care.
Foster Care Parents choose what level of legal risk and special needs they are able to care for. Since we already had a small child and limited financial means, we stayed low on both legal risk and special needs. Our journey had begun. The open window had allowed a wind of hope to blow open a door. All we needed now was an agency.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Step One: Choosing a Process (part one)
In an earlier post on Oct. 14, 2008, called “Family by Choice” I talked about why we decided to adopt and briefly about the adoption. In honor of Adoption Month, we continue down a more detailed description of our journey to adopt.
Infertility is such a weird word. I had given birth to a son, so I was not infertile. My husband was the father of our son, so he wasn’t infertile. It was that crummy episode with cancer that the doctors had to take away my husband’s ability to father children. So now my husband is called infertile. What a weird word! If you split it up it is “in” “fertile” which should mean to be in, a part of, in the “in” crowd and fertility, able to reproduce. But it does not.
We did do the Fertility treatments. Since it was a surgical procedure that robbed us, we were given time for my husband to “bank.” Fertility treatments are not cheap or easy. I did the shots and discovered I had a mild allergy to the injections. The doctor did not think the welts on my leg were an issue. After a few failed attempts we had a consultation to discuss invetro fertilization. We were advised that it would be $10K per procedure and not to expect to get pregnant the first time. The odds of pregnancy were only 20%, and it took generally took two procedures for the body to adapt and be receptive. Well, that closed that door.
We did our research on domestic and international adoption. The expenses were high to say the least. We estimated between $10,000 - $20, 0000 plus. Many agencies said you could claim 100% of your expenses for a tax rebate up to $10,000 (actually, I don’t remember the exact numbers). The problem for us was coming up with the money in the first place. That closed that door.
When doors close, it is time to open a window. Tomorrow, the view through the window.
Infertility is such a weird word. I had given birth to a son, so I was not infertile. My husband was the father of our son, so he wasn’t infertile. It was that crummy episode with cancer that the doctors had to take away my husband’s ability to father children. So now my husband is called infertile. What a weird word! If you split it up it is “in” “fertile” which should mean to be in, a part of, in the “in” crowd and fertility, able to reproduce. But it does not.
We did do the Fertility treatments. Since it was a surgical procedure that robbed us, we were given time for my husband to “bank.” Fertility treatments are not cheap or easy. I did the shots and discovered I had a mild allergy to the injections. The doctor did not think the welts on my leg were an issue. After a few failed attempts we had a consultation to discuss invetro fertilization. We were advised that it would be $10K per procedure and not to expect to get pregnant the first time. The odds of pregnancy were only 20%, and it took generally took two procedures for the body to adapt and be receptive. Well, that closed that door.
We did our research on domestic and international adoption. The expenses were high to say the least. We estimated between $10,000 - $20, 0000 plus. Many agencies said you could claim 100% of your expenses for a tax rebate up to $10,000 (actually, I don’t remember the exact numbers). The problem for us was coming up with the money in the first place. That closed that door.
When doors close, it is time to open a window. Tomorrow, the view through the window.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Faith, Mind or Heart
Faith, I am a professed Christian. There are those that believe once a believer, always a believer. I too believe that, BUT the road is not always easy to see. Belief is sometimes hard to believe, and I question whether or not I believe in my heart or in my mind.
In less than a month, I will be 39 years old. I tell you that only to let you know that I have had time in my life to hit a few bumps, be diverted off track and make a few u-turns. I came to Christ as a child, but as a teenager I leaped off the road and tried to make my own path. After a number of near misses and one major crash, I finally found the road of faith and jumped in the Christ-mobile. As an adult, the road is not any smoother. My car, my belief, has been tested over and over. Where is God when bad things happen to good people?
I love to sing the song by Barlow Girls, “Never Alone.” I use to cry every time the song started, “I waited for you today, but you didn’t show.” For a number of years while I have climbed some pretty difficult mountains, I have wondered where is God? Like the song, I finally decided to “hold tight to what I know. (God) is here, and I am never alone.” Since this was a mental decision, not a feeling or passion from my heart, I wondered what is faith? Is faith an unexplainable passion that moves us one way or another through our heart or is it just a mental exercise to accept the most plausible belief system?
Faith is both, both heart and mind. In my heart, I know when God speaks to me and comforts me (Isaiah 41:10). In my mind, I know God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I have studied the scriptures, listened to the scientific arguments, questioned both and made my decision both in my heart and in my mind. The Big Bang could not have happened if something/someone didn’t start it. Science can create life in a test tube but who made the materials used in that process? When you do something wrong, why do you feel guilt? God is there in your heart and in your mind. Whether you accept him or not, he accepts you.
I once knew the peace that goes beyond all understanding (Philippians 4:7), but bumps and bruises have made it difficult for me to believe. Since writing this blog and trying to create designs for my on-line store (shameless plug: http://www.zazzle.com/DesigningD* ), I have discovered my designs predominantly lean towards faith. I didn’t try to do designs of faith, but as I doodled and developed and got excited, I saw the image of the cross. My mind may be having troubles accepting my faith, but in my heart there are no questions.
Faith is both, both mind and heart. Jeremiah 29:13-14, says, “You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will be found by you,” It doesn’t say that the moment you seek me with all your heart you will instantly find God. It says seek and you will find. I am seeking and am finding just not in a big BANG. I am finding little by little and feeling the comfort, the peace and the understanding growing both in my heart and in my mind. Faith is both. Faith is heart, and faith is mind.
In less than a month, I will be 39 years old. I tell you that only to let you know that I have had time in my life to hit a few bumps, be diverted off track and make a few u-turns. I came to Christ as a child, but as a teenager I leaped off the road and tried to make my own path. After a number of near misses and one major crash, I finally found the road of faith and jumped in the Christ-mobile. As an adult, the road is not any smoother. My car, my belief, has been tested over and over. Where is God when bad things happen to good people?
I love to sing the song by Barlow Girls, “Never Alone.” I use to cry every time the song started, “I waited for you today, but you didn’t show.” For a number of years while I have climbed some pretty difficult mountains, I have wondered where is God? Like the song, I finally decided to “hold tight to what I know. (God) is here, and I am never alone.” Since this was a mental decision, not a feeling or passion from my heart, I wondered what is faith? Is faith an unexplainable passion that moves us one way or another through our heart or is it just a mental exercise to accept the most plausible belief system?
Faith is both, both heart and mind. In my heart, I know when God speaks to me and comforts me (Isaiah 41:10). In my mind, I know God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I have studied the scriptures, listened to the scientific arguments, questioned both and made my decision both in my heart and in my mind. The Big Bang could not have happened if something/someone didn’t start it. Science can create life in a test tube but who made the materials used in that process? When you do something wrong, why do you feel guilt? God is there in your heart and in your mind. Whether you accept him or not, he accepts you.
I once knew the peace that goes beyond all understanding (Philippians 4:7), but bumps and bruises have made it difficult for me to believe. Since writing this blog and trying to create designs for my on-line store (shameless plug: http://www.zazzle.com/DesigningD* ), I have discovered my designs predominantly lean towards faith. I didn’t try to do designs of faith, but as I doodled and developed and got excited, I saw the image of the cross. My mind may be having troubles accepting my faith, but in my heart there are no questions.
Faith is both, both mind and heart. Jeremiah 29:13-14, says, “You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will be found by you,” It doesn’t say that the moment you seek me with all your heart you will instantly find God. It says seek and you will find. I am seeking and am finding just not in a big BANG. I am finding little by little and feeling the comfort, the peace and the understanding growing both in my heart and in my mind. Faith is both. Faith is heart, and faith is mind.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Day 5 of Liberation, I mean Correction
Five days ago my husband and I decided to take the gaming system away from our son. This action is intended to be motivation to correct our son’s lack of responsibility in regards to his chores. We have a mixed response. Our son actually said, “This is a good week to be grounded from video games. I have had lots of time to catch up on things.” I asked him what he has caught up on, and I got a very normal kid answer, “stuff.”
Did our punishment/correction work? Yes, our son is very a tune to his duties. We have not reminded him over and over. Our son has been asking me if it is time to take out the trash. He has been asking me of the best way to get all the dishes in the dish washer. He still has not picked-up the toys in the living room, but he has a little brother who is the primary culprit to the mess in the living room.
We are pleased with the response. As a stay at home Mom, at first I was reluctant. If the kids are not busy with their toys then they are under my feet with the constant, “Mama, mama, mama, mama.” When I give and ask, “What?” Inevitably, they say, “Nothing.” And then start again, “Mama, mama….” Sorry, off point.
We are pleased with the response but perplexed on whether or not to give the system back. I have watched my son read more, draw more, play with his brother more, and he is faster to respond when I call him. I really like this child who is talkative and imaginative. If I give him back the system, will he again retreat to his room and bury his head in the games? We will lose his smiles, his laughs, his hugs to the gaming system?
Perplexed, I want to reward him for doing his chores so well, but I don’t want to lose him.
Did our punishment/correction work? Yes, our son is very a tune to his duties. We have not reminded him over and over. Our son has been asking me if it is time to take out the trash. He has been asking me of the best way to get all the dishes in the dish washer. He still has not picked-up the toys in the living room, but he has a little brother who is the primary culprit to the mess in the living room.
We are pleased with the response. As a stay at home Mom, at first I was reluctant. If the kids are not busy with their toys then they are under my feet with the constant, “Mama, mama, mama, mama.” When I give and ask, “What?” Inevitably, they say, “Nothing.” And then start again, “Mama, mama….” Sorry, off point.
We are pleased with the response but perplexed on whether or not to give the system back. I have watched my son read more, draw more, play with his brother more, and he is faster to respond when I call him. I really like this child who is talkative and imaginative. If I give him back the system, will he again retreat to his room and bury his head in the games? We will lose his smiles, his laughs, his hugs to the gaming system?
Perplexed, I want to reward him for doing his chores so well, but I don’t want to lose him.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Correction or Liberation
Teaching responsibility appears to require super hero strength and endurance. In your parent pack of powers you will need to have multiple personalities including tutor, drill sergeant, lecturer and moralizer.
We have decided our son’s vision is impaired. Though he must walk by the trash can to enter or exit the kitchen, his peripheral vision cannot detect a high level of trash. If his sensors were alarmed by the level of trash, he would then be required to pull forth his super hero strength to remove said trash and then invoke agility and skill to place a new liner in the trash can. Rewards, reminders and rebuking are not strong enough weapons to correct the impaired vision.
Since all efforts have failed, we are now resorting to elimination of privileges. Our son is a normal boy with powerful ties to his gaming system. We have decided to attack his perpetual defensive maneuvers by severing the ties to the gaming system away. Quite satisfied that the removal of his system would invoke the appropriate motivation and modified behavior, we did not take into consideration the liberation he would feel by this correction.
Granted, it has only been two days, but our son does not appear to be affected by the correction. He has taken the liberation of his attachment to the gaming system to draw from his inner imagination. He is playing. He is playing with his brother. He is playing with his non-technical toys. He is creating stories in his head. He is, dare I say it, reading. He even dusted off an old sketch pad and in addition to doodles, created a comic strip with doodles and dialogue.
I am perplexed. I want my son to learn responsibility. I want him to take ownership of his job and do it to the best of his ability, but all we have done is liberate him from a crutch we were not aware existed. Granted, it has only been two days. I suspect over time the call of the crutch will claim him, and he will attempt to recover his gaming system. But if it doesn’t, if he decides he enjoys being a member of the real and alive rather than the digital, how will we ever motivate him to take out the trash?
We have decided our son’s vision is impaired. Though he must walk by the trash can to enter or exit the kitchen, his peripheral vision cannot detect a high level of trash. If his sensors were alarmed by the level of trash, he would then be required to pull forth his super hero strength to remove said trash and then invoke agility and skill to place a new liner in the trash can. Rewards, reminders and rebuking are not strong enough weapons to correct the impaired vision.
Since all efforts have failed, we are now resorting to elimination of privileges. Our son is a normal boy with powerful ties to his gaming system. We have decided to attack his perpetual defensive maneuvers by severing the ties to the gaming system away. Quite satisfied that the removal of his system would invoke the appropriate motivation and modified behavior, we did not take into consideration the liberation he would feel by this correction.
Granted, it has only been two days, but our son does not appear to be affected by the correction. He has taken the liberation of his attachment to the gaming system to draw from his inner imagination. He is playing. He is playing with his brother. He is playing with his non-technical toys. He is creating stories in his head. He is, dare I say it, reading. He even dusted off an old sketch pad and in addition to doodles, created a comic strip with doodles and dialogue.
I am perplexed. I want my son to learn responsibility. I want him to take ownership of his job and do it to the best of his ability, but all we have done is liberate him from a crutch we were not aware existed. Granted, it has only been two days. I suspect over time the call of the crutch will claim him, and he will attempt to recover his gaming system. But if it doesn’t, if he decides he enjoys being a member of the real and alive rather than the digital, how will we ever motivate him to take out the trash?
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Adoption Month, Foster Stats
I am a strong believer in adoption. I have an adopted son, and since deciding to adopt, we have had friends, family and acquaintances tell us their adoption story. It is amazing how many people have been touched by this process, but the tragic side is the number of children who are not touched by adoption, who are left in foster care until they age out.
In doing some research I came across the Child Welfare Information Gateway, http://www.childwelfare.gov/index.cfm , a product of the US Dept. of Health and Human Services. They have lots of interesting information on their website and quite a bit to promote National Adoption Month.
Statistics always bring things home to me. I was staggered to read the “Report to Congress…Children in Foster Care: A Focus on Older Children.” In 2003 - 523,000 children were in Foster Care and 58% were age 9 and older. In Texas this age group would be called, “Hard to Place,’ and the report went on to support that title. Potential parents state their biggest concern in adopting a child 9 or older was of mental and physical disabilities. The stats said only 27% of children in Foster Care were diagnosed disabled. That means 73% are NOT disabled.
If you have considered adoption, but don’t want to do 2:00am feedings, teething and potty training, adopting an older child just might be the right fit for you and some beautiful child. AdoptUsKids, http://www.adoptuskids.org/ , is a great website with pictures of children waiting.
Sometimes a kid just needs a chance. Sometimes you are that chance.
In doing some research I came across the Child Welfare Information Gateway, http://www.childwelfare.gov/index.cfm , a product of the US Dept. of Health and Human Services. They have lots of interesting information on their website and quite a bit to promote National Adoption Month.
Statistics always bring things home to me. I was staggered to read the “Report to Congress…Children in Foster Care: A Focus on Older Children.” In 2003 - 523,000 children were in Foster Care and 58% were age 9 and older. In Texas this age group would be called, “Hard to Place,’ and the report went on to support that title. Potential parents state their biggest concern in adopting a child 9 or older was of mental and physical disabilities. The stats said only 27% of children in Foster Care were diagnosed disabled. That means 73% are NOT disabled.
If you have considered adoption, but don’t want to do 2:00am feedings, teething and potty training, adopting an older child just might be the right fit for you and some beautiful child. AdoptUsKids, http://www.adoptuskids.org/ , is a great website with pictures of children waiting.
Sometimes a kid just needs a chance. Sometimes you are that chance.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Name, Blessing or Curse
I am standing at the bus stop with my kids and a few others. To pass the time, I ask them, “If you could be nicknamed anything, what would it be?” The three older boys popped off their nicknames quickly. The boys said, “Sparky,” “Scrappy,” and “Spike.” If you knew theses boys, you would know how well these names really fit them.
My four year old then pipes in, “Doctor!” I am not sure he understands what a nickname is, but I am thrilled he came up with “Doctor.” The bus came, Sparky, Scrappy and Spike jumped on and Doctor started his usual Good Morning Wave at every bus and car that drove by. As I smiled to myself, I began to wonder what is in a name? Is a name a blessing or a curse?
I have a dear friend who is very concerned that people have lost track of the importance of names. In the beginning, names were references to who people were and what they did. If you expected something great from your child, you named them something that meant great. You then called them by that name, blessing them every time you said it. When the child grew into an adult, all those blessings would hopefully come into fruition and as an adult, they would be great.
Of course, the reverse was thought to be true too. Cruel nicknames being hurled at a child cursed that child every time that name was cast on them. How many times have we heard of school violence and the perpetrator say they were just getting pay back for all the bulling? Did those kids inadvertently curse the child being bullied? Did the curse come true when the bullied became the bully?
I have no answer, but it certainly gives me pause. My name? My name means “Morning Star.” If you ever see me in the morning, you will see that I am anything but a star. My husband is a morning star. I guess if he keeps casting that blessing on me, someday our lights will shine at the same time and our mornings will be very bright.
My four year old then pipes in, “Doctor!” I am not sure he understands what a nickname is, but I am thrilled he came up with “Doctor.” The bus came, Sparky, Scrappy and Spike jumped on and Doctor started his usual Good Morning Wave at every bus and car that drove by. As I smiled to myself, I began to wonder what is in a name? Is a name a blessing or a curse?
I have a dear friend who is very concerned that people have lost track of the importance of names. In the beginning, names were references to who people were and what they did. If you expected something great from your child, you named them something that meant great. You then called them by that name, blessing them every time you said it. When the child grew into an adult, all those blessings would hopefully come into fruition and as an adult, they would be great.
Of course, the reverse was thought to be true too. Cruel nicknames being hurled at a child cursed that child every time that name was cast on them. How many times have we heard of school violence and the perpetrator say they were just getting pay back for all the bulling? Did those kids inadvertently curse the child being bullied? Did the curse come true when the bullied became the bully?
I have no answer, but it certainly gives me pause. My name? My name means “Morning Star.” If you ever see me in the morning, you will see that I am anything but a star. My husband is a morning star. I guess if he keeps casting that blessing on me, someday our lights will shine at the same time and our mornings will be very bright.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Screaming Child, Crying Mom
We were at a birthday party and the birthday boy had a really cool toy that my son just loved. All was good while he was allowed to play with it, but when it came time to allow another child to play with the really cool tool, my son had a melt down of nuclear explosion proportion.
As Mom, at first I just looked at him completely dumbfounded. As every eye at the party stared at us, I regrouped and tried to comfort, redirect, and appease my screaming child. His screams only got louder, so I removed him from the party area to have a “time out.” This really made him mad. I decided I had to take him home. As I tried to leave the party, the birthday boy’s father stripped my son from my arms and took him over to the toy. I was horribly embarrassed, but I was comforted by the kind gesture. I had to fight back tears.
Those tears, why was I crying? Was I crying because I was embarrassed or disappointed? Was I crying because I felt as if I failed my son somehow? Was I crying to keep myself from being fuming mad at my child? Yes, Yes and Yes.
As an adoptive Mom, I try not to allow the fact he is adopted enter into my decisions to parent. I am the only Mom he knows, and I am trying to parent him just like I did with my biological son. But I can’t help it when all eyes look at us, I question every little decision I make. Why does it matter what they think? It matters because in this day and age, disciple is sometimes viewed as abuse. It matters because a big white woman speaking harshly or disciplining a small black child could be misconstrued.
So I am crying. I am crying, because I am a Mom. I want to act like a Mom, and I don’t want to be judged for being a Mom. Adopted or not, sometimes the child needs some disciple. He doesn’t wait until we get home to throw his screaming fit and neither should I when admonishing him.
As Mom, at first I just looked at him completely dumbfounded. As every eye at the party stared at us, I regrouped and tried to comfort, redirect, and appease my screaming child. His screams only got louder, so I removed him from the party area to have a “time out.” This really made him mad. I decided I had to take him home. As I tried to leave the party, the birthday boy’s father stripped my son from my arms and took him over to the toy. I was horribly embarrassed, but I was comforted by the kind gesture. I had to fight back tears.
Those tears, why was I crying? Was I crying because I was embarrassed or disappointed? Was I crying because I felt as if I failed my son somehow? Was I crying to keep myself from being fuming mad at my child? Yes, Yes and Yes.
As an adoptive Mom, I try not to allow the fact he is adopted enter into my decisions to parent. I am the only Mom he knows, and I am trying to parent him just like I did with my biological son. But I can’t help it when all eyes look at us, I question every little decision I make. Why does it matter what they think? It matters because in this day and age, disciple is sometimes viewed as abuse. It matters because a big white woman speaking harshly or disciplining a small black child could be misconstrued.
So I am crying. I am crying, because I am a Mom. I want to act like a Mom, and I don’t want to be judged for being a Mom. Adopted or not, sometimes the child needs some disciple. He doesn’t wait until we get home to throw his screaming fit and neither should I when admonishing him.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Houston Area Adoption Agencies
In my research to compile a list of agencies I came across TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/default.asp at which is hosted by DFPS (Texas Department of Family and Protective Services). They have a more comprehensive list with more information about the agencies. Worth a look at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/default.asp
Something to think about, even though you are the only parent your adopted child knows, it is very normal for an adopted child to want to learn about where they came from and why they were put up for adoption. The DFPS reports as of Oct. 2008, “In Texas, about 180 licensed child-placing agencies are currently in operation. Many of these agencies provide foster-care services and rarely place children for adoption. Of these 180 agencies, we estimate that only about 80 agencies actually place children for adoption. Of these 80 agencies, only 28 actively operate a voluntary adoption registry as mandated by Texas Family Code, Chapter 162, Subchapter E.” You can see them at http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/vs/reqproc/volreg.shtm .
Homes of St. Mark, http://www.homesofstmark.org/
We used this agency. When we were doing our research, this was the only agency that I actually got to talk to a person. I left a message and a person actually called me back. All our Case Workers have moved on to other things so I cannot give references for the staff.
Other Agencies, I have not done research or credibility checks on these agencies. You can check their history of inspections and reports on the DFPS website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/child_care/search_texas_child_care/ppFacilitySearchResidential.asp . This is just a list to help you get started in the search for an agency to help you.…
- AdopTexas, http://www.adoptexas.com/index-2.html
- Adoption.com, http://www.adoption.com/ , this site is a little confusing. On the “About” page they have an address in Arizona, but on the “Home” page they have information about Texas adoption and Texas law. I don’t think it is an agency, but they do have a lot of information about adoption that is helpful.
- Alternatives in Motion, http://www.aimadoptions.org/index.html
- American Adoption, http://www.americanadoption.com/ – they claim to do adoptions in Houston, Texas but their main office is in Kansas and as far as I could tell on their website, they don’t even have an office in Texas. They did have some interesting links about Texas Law on Adoption. http://texas.adoption.americanadoptions.com/?PHPSESSID=c1a9e8c0d134d4f7b4f6811b4ec8effe
- Caring Adoptions, http://www.caringadoptions.org/Index.asp
- Catholic Charities (Galveston-Houston Area), http://www.catholiccharities.org/ - they have other Catholic Charity Agencies across Texas
- Depelchin, http://www.depelchin.org/ - We didn’t use this agency, but we have been to their facilities for trainings. They have great training facilities and offer a number of services to help you before, during and after the adoption.
- LDS Family Services (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), http://www.ldsfamilyservices.org/ – they have locations across the country and in Canada
- New Life Pregnancy Center, http://www.newlifehelp.org/
- Spaulding for Children, http://www.spauldingforchildren.org/?id=1 , another big Houston agency that is well respected.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
November, National Adoption Month
I believe adoption is a very good tool in helping children find safe and loving homes, in helping parents build the family they dream of and in creating a society with proof that love crosses boundaries. November is National Adoption Month. I recommend adoption. I have adopted a son.
There is a lot of good information out there about aboption. TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) is kicking off a new campaign called, "Why not me?" For more information, visit their website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Why_Not_Me/default.asp
There is a lot of good information out there about aboption. TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) is kicking off a new campaign called, "Why not me?" For more information, visit their website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Why_Not_Me/default.asp
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