Mom-Me: the Substitute Teacher

I think I have found the perfect paid, out of the home job, for this stay at home Mom-Me. I am a Substitute Teacher. I am not with my kids, but I am still working with kids. This has two bonus features. I am not with my kids; every Mom-Me needs a break from the never ending call for "MOM." Bonus number two: I really appreciate my kids after working with some of these kids. I won't say they are bad, but I will say there are some kids that are a real challenge. I guess you could even say there is a third bonus, but it is a stretch. After spending time with some real challenges, I have stricter instruction with my kids at home.

Every Mom-Me needs a break from their kids. As a stay at home Mom-Me, you are never off the job. When loving, working husband comes home, he does not jump in and let Mom-Me take a break or have some private time. No matter how hard Mom-Me's week has been, she is always on duty for the midnight, "MOM-ME, I have to go potty," or the "MOM-ME, I had a nightmare," or the "MOM-ME, I don't feel good." When you stay home, you hear MOM-ME all day long. I do try to have an hour or two where I tell the kids if you are not going to nap you are still going to be quiet and during quiet time, you do not call Mom-Me unless something is broken or bleeding. Of course then every 10 minutes I hear, "Is quiet time over yet? Is it over now? Is it over now? Is it over now? etc." Mom-Me needs a break.

Working with challenging kids, I really appreciate my kids. I want them to be perfect, of course. I have been stressed that my first son is not an athlete and straight 'A' student. I have been stressed that my second son is stubborn and has quite a temper. A lot of times I feel like a Policeman, Corrections Officer, Warden, Traffic Cop and/or Judge, constantly on my kids for this and that. I know my kids are not perfect. I know that I am not perfect. Working with other kids, my kids are right on track for their age, and since they are my kids, I get to hug them and kiss them a lot which really helps alleviate some of the tension when we are having a bad day. Especially with the four year old, when it is a head butt day, since he is my son, I can stop everything and just say, "Mom-Me is having a tough day, can I get a hug?" This usually de-escalates whatever and brings out a smile.

Working with challenging kids, I am stricter with my kids. We have tried to teach them to respect authority and not talk back, but I often find myself arguing with them. I don't mean too, but I want my kids to know they are allowed an opinion and that they can defend themselves. Unfortunately, I have a hard time separating self-defense and personal opinion from disrespectful, argumentative and talking back. Anyway, on one of my substitute jobs I had a little boy pinch and bite me and call me every cuss word in the book. I have had several children tell me that since I am a substitute they don't have to listen to me. I have had many children who refused to do their school work or even stay in their chairs. I have even had children leave the room without permission. On those days, I am a much stricter Mom-Me that does not allow for any back talk, and there are no warnings. You do what you are told, or there will be consequences.

I do enjoy Substitute Teaching. I enjoy meeting all these new smiling faces which there are more smiling faces than not. I enjoy seeing what they are learning. I love walking into a class where they are writing a story. Kids have amazing imaginations. I have renewed faith in honesty. As an adult it is easy to become cynical and untrusting, but kids, in general, are brutally honest. I love the moments when they are really listening especially when they come up with good questions. I love it when at the end of the day one of the kids gives me a compliment like a kindergartner once said, "you're not scary."

I enjoy meeting the other teachers and hearing what they have to say about our educational system. I enjoy meeting the other teachers and being renewed that their are people who love every age and stage of children and are excellent teachers.

I am a Substitute Teacher, and I like it. The hours are fair, the pay is o.k. and I have the same holidays as my kids. The extra bonuses: I appreciate my kids, I am more consistant/stricter with my kids and I get a break from my kids. It's a good gig.

Mom-Me: Back to Work, Trial and Error

For three years I have been a Mom who works inside the home. Economic yuck yuck and now I am a Mom trying to find work outside the home.

I have tried blogging and a t-shirt store front. It is quite impossible to maintain a single train of thought when the kids are at home. I have definately put in part time hours and gotten less than part time results. The only person I have actually made a sale to is myself.

I have tried contract services in Marketing. I did find one client, but to make sure I got the job I really priced low. The money I am making is not enough to pay for lunch, but at least it is more than the cost of materials.

I tried submitting writings and designs for contests and through on-line services that connect independents to buyers. I didn't win any contract jobs, but I did win one writing contest. I won a $50 gift certificate to the Disney Store. My kids loved it.

I have now registered as a substitute teacher for our local school district. This one might work. I have only sub'ed twice and both days were pretty fun. The good thing is I am actually using my degree. I am also doing some of the things I did as a volunteer, but this time I get paid. We will not make our fortune as a Substitute Teacher, but the hours are good and I have the same holidays as my children. I do have to have a babysitter, but only for an hour. I still have time to cook breakfast in the morning and get my kids to school, and I am home in plenty of time to get dinner ready for my loving husband.

I keep telling myself that I love being a Mom and a Wife. I am trying to not be offended by the insinuation that a Mom working inside the home is not working. I MAY NOT BE GETTING PAID, BUT I AM WORKING! I am holding on to hope that this latest endeavor will be enough.

I do love my kids, and I do want to be home for them. But reality is what it is. I have to get paid for my work.

Mom-Me: Back to Work, the Gripe

My husband and I have done a pretty good job riding the waves of economics so that Mom-Me could stay home with the kids for these past three years, but lately it has been harder than hard. When you have to set-up payment plans for your utilities, it is time to make big changes. My husband says it is time for Mom-Me to go back to work. I mentioned it to my sister that my husband told me to go back to work, and she said that I had a nice ride. She said I should be thankful for the time off and go back to work.


Now as Mom-Me I am wondering when did I get time off? When did I stop working? I know I stopped getting paid for my work about three years ago, but I don't recall ever stopping work. I do admit that there was a time that I protested against my work due to lack of appreciation, but I never did an all stop. I still managed the household income and expenses, the child care, the food services and the laundry services. I never stopped being the in-house nurse, teacher, psychologist, and entertainment director. I never stopped the tap dance of trying to fullfill my commitments as daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, school volunteer, church volunteer, youth group volunteer, friend, wife, and Mom. I simply stopped housekeeping, file clerk, and administrative assistant to make a point, and my point was made by the end of a week.


We have all heard the estimated value of Mom-Me and that no household could ever afford to hire professionals to fulfill all her roles. My husband has watched those reports and so have my children. All of which have said, "Good job, Mom-Me." But now it is time to get back to work.


So I am going back to work. Do I get to pursue my career? No. I have those kids to think about. If I pursued the career I truly want, I would have to sacrifice some nights and weekends and may miss some important Mom-Me dates like games and award ceremonies. Do I get to pursue a job at least on the career path of my choice? No. If I pursue a job on the career path, then I would have to work full time year round. I suppose I should mention that my loving husband told me I had to go back to work, but to find a job that would not require child care and that would make sure I am home on time to have a hot dinner ready when he gets home from his career job of choice. So I am supposed to find a full time job with part time hours.

I love being a Mom and a Wife, but this lack of appreciation really stinks. I am looking for work outside the home that might actually pay me. I am trying to find something that will not make us put our kids in child care. I am trying to accept that even though I will be working outside the home, I will still be required to get all my work done inside the home. Oh yeah, I haven't been working for the past three year. I am supposed to be thankful for the time off, the extended vacation and get back to work.

Maybe I should try an all stop and see if I get the message across that a Mom working inside the home is WORK.

Angel in the Closet

Like most children, Cecilee had an active imagination. In a volatile family she found refuge in a fantasy world in her bedroom closet. In her closet was a perfect world full of beautiful landscapes and people who were kind and generous. There too lived her best friend, Angel. Angel was not just kind, but she could sing like the nightingale.

The fights that regularly broke out in Cecilee’s home were normally between her Father and her older sister. This week had been especially turbulent ending with her sister running away from home. Cecilee had hoped with the fuel gone, the fire would not light, but her Father seemed to be even more explosive. This night when he erupted, Cecilee felt the heat from his flame squarely on her cheek. She tried to run into Angel’s world, but when she got to the door, she realized the beautiful landscapes had been scorched and a dragon now blocked the entrance. Panicked, not knowing what to do; Cecilee heard a lyrical voice telling her to run. She turned and ran out of the house. She kept running until she was miles away and could no longer run. When she stopped to rest, she felt the cold of the night air. She slumped down next to a wall and tried to draw her bare feet under her to warm them. What now?

Cecilee’s mind was numb like the rest of her. As she searched her head for some plan for her future, she heard music faintly drifting along the winter breeze. With no other thought to direct her, Cecilee decided to follow the music. She followed the sound to a school playground and up into a wooden fort. Again she slumped against a wall and curled up into a ball. Exhausted she began to drift to sleep. As she drifted between sleep and consciousness, Cecilee saw her world change from the dark night to Angel’s beautiful world. The warmth of Angel’s world was inviting and warm, and Cecilee rested.

As the sun began to rise, Cecilee felt a nudge waking her. No plans had come to her in the night, but feeling strangely warm, she decided to go home. Tip toeing through the front door, fearful of the flames, she cautiously looked around. The house appeared normal, but then she heard music drifting through the air. She followed the sound into the dining room. There she saw Angel sitting at the table with her Father. They were talking, eating breakfast and upon seeing Cecilee, they said, “Good Morning” and invited her to sit and to eat.

After that night the fuel that ignited the fire seemed to disappear, and the flames just didn’t seem to spark anymore. The beautiful landscapes of Cecilee’s closet spilled out and covered the rest of her home. Her best friend Angel didn’t live in the closet anymore; she lived in her sister.

“Angel in the Closet” by Danika LaBrant, 2008 - Short Listed for the WOW Winter 2008 Flash Fiction Writing contest, http://www.wow-womenonwriting.com/

Embracing the Middle Child

The first child, everything is new. The last child, you embrace the last chance for these experiences. The middle child, it is easy to just go through the motions.

Your middle child wants to be the center of your attention, but they may never tell you. It is up to you to open the door of communication. You may have to knock several times before the door is opened. Once the door is open, do not ask Yes/No questions. Stimulate conversation by asking about hobbies, friends, favorite movies, music, if they could go anywhere, do anything, if they had super powers…. And then listen.

To help you remember to have these moments, set up a routine perhaps at bed time where you sit one-on-one and talk and listen to each child. Ten minutes (30 minutes for all three children) will build trust and comfort which will be needed as your children grow and face more difficult issues. Talking, listening does not cost a thing, but the rewards are priceless.

Credit: Winner, Disney Family’s on-going “Comment Mania Contest”, http://family.go.com/comment-contest/ (November 2007)

Step Ten: Celebration

Celebration! It seems redundant after the last entry. Finalization was a huge celebration. Every year we get to celebrate our son’s birthday is a huge celebration, but every December I still remember that court date when I hugged the biological mother. Every August I still remember that court date when we signed the finalization papers to finally adopt our son.

Such a mixed blessing, I celebrate the joy of our son, but I feel sorrow for the biological parents. I love my son as if he were my own. I cannot imagine him being taken away from me. I cannot image voluntarily giving him away. What a tremendously selfless act to acknowledge your weaknesses and sign away your parental rights. I saw the pain in their eyes. They didn’t want to let go, but they knew it was best for the baby. We can’t thank them enough for allowing us to adopt their son.

So we celebrate. We acknowledge the sacrifice that was made, but we celebrate the love. We celebrate an answer to prayer. We celebrate this valued addition to our family. We celebrate life and family and love and all that good stuff.

Foster to Adopt (aka Special Needs Adoption) is a tough road with many twists and turns but when you cross that finish line, the joy is indescribable. I highly recommend you taking a ride.

Step Nine: Finalization

In the State of Texas once a child is made available for adoption and then placed in a home for adoption, there is a six (6) month waiting period before finalization of the adoption can be made. This six (6) month waiting period is not waived even if you have fostered this child from 10 days old. So we had to wait. We had to wait six (6) months to assure compatibility and that the child was in a healthy and loving environment. We had to wait longer as our Case Worker got ill and suffered a family loss. We had to wait as the Judge went on vacation. We had to wait as the Case Worker and the Judge caught up when they got back to work. In all we waited eight (8) months. Now that does not seem like a long time, but then it felt like an eternity.

Finalization is a court date. You and your spouse and any other children in your family get to stand in front of the judge and swear to love this child and sign a bunch of stuff that says your are now financially responsible for this child. We loved it. We took pictures. Our older son enjoyed it too. He got to go up behind the Judges desk and bang the gavel and get his picture taken. Our whole family was their, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles. All were there to officially welcome the latest addition to the family the moment he was official.

It was an exciting day. We wanted to celebrate by going to the Downtown Aquarium for a good meal and then to play games and see the sights. The kids made it through the meal but then they both fell asleep. The party ended early and we headed home with our two beautiful, 100% ours, boys.

Step Eight: Hold Your Breath

Step Seven of our adoption experience was November 24, 2008. Then we had computer problems, the kids came home from school, the holidays and other stuff got in the way. So here we are again to finish the series... Step Eight: Hold Your Breath

Both biological parents started their plans to work towards reunification. Both biological parents faced some tremendous hurdles to complete their plans. As they worked towards reunification, we held our breath. So how much of your heart do you give away to a child that may be ripped from your home? Holding that child, I could not hold back my heart. He was beautiful. He was tiny. He had some health concerns. He needed me and not just part of me. I gave him my whole heart.

Six months we held our breath. We listened to reports on the biological parent’s progress. We participated in monthly reviews of our home, our parenting, our child by the Case Workers to assure the child was cared for and that we were good people. We filled out all the paper work on our child’s developmental progress, medical concerns, medications, babysitters, etc. We attended court dates to update the Judge overseeing the case.

We held our breath as our Case Worker reported her torment over the biological father. He had written her letters pleading for custody. She was very moved by his desire to father his son. It was hard for me to hear. I wanted to believe that the biological parents had abandoned this child and were off doing their own thing, but that was not true. They both showed loved for their child and the biological father had demonstrated that love to the Case Worker. My husband and I had to choke down some heart ache and ask what was best for the child. We certainly loved him, but were we what was best for the child? Maybe his biological father did not have the resources we did, but that did not make him a bad father. What was best for the child? At our December court date that question was answered for us.

At our December court date we unexpectedly met both the biological mother and father at the Court House. We had been to court before and had not seen them, so we were a bit surprised. Supposedly the identity of the foster parents is confidential for the protection of the child and the foster parents, so we didn’t introduce ourselves. I had arrived with my usual “Brag Book” of pictures. My “Brag Book” contained pictures carefully chosen to not reveal where we lived or anything about our family, but pictures that did show how healthy and happy the baby was.

Court was recessed to allow the lawyers to review with both biological parents the book of pictures. Then we were informed that the biological parents both voluntarily waived their rights as parents to make our son available for adoption. The rest of the court time is a blur. I remember being in a room with some legal people telling me stuff and signing something, I think. What I remember most is bumping into the biological mom in the hallway. She very shyly looked at me and asked if I was going to be the one to adopt her son. I said, “Yes.” I really didn’t know what to say, but I was holding the “Brag Book” and asked if she wanted any pictures. That broke the ice, she took some pictures and exchanged pleasantries about what a beautiful baby he is. Then she hugged me. I started to cry and tried to tell her that he would know how much she loved him. I can’t imagine how hard that moment must have been for her. All I can do is thank her. I never saw or heard from her again.

Termination, we had it! Termination terminates the parental rights of the biological parents and makes the child available for adoption. Termination is of the biggest mile stones on the path of Foster to Adopt. We had hoped and prayed for “Termination.” This is a joyous term for me, but at the moment I hugged the biological mom, I realized what a horrible word it was for her. There are no words to describe the emotions of sorrow and guilt and joy. I felt sorrow for her loss. I felt guilty for taking her child, but I felt great joy in gaining full custody of this child.

We are in the home stretch. Step Nine: Finalization and Step Ten: Celebration.