Rosie O'Donnel has a new movie coming out about Foster Care. This is a tough subject, but it is a reality. The State of Texas has a Foster Program. They have a Foster to Adopt Program and, of course, they have an Adoption Program.
In the State of Texas the number one goal of Child Protective Services (CPS) is reunification. In placement of a child, the first choice is the biological parents. Second choice is the biological extended family. Third choice is anyone who can demonstrate a healthy, long term relationship with the child (perhaps a neighbor, babysitter, teacher, minister....). The last choice is waiting adoptive parents. Thus the Foster Care system exists to facilitate the reunification of families by offering help to parents and their children.
In a perfect world this is a great system placing children in homes and not institutions. In a perfect world, foster care is a great solution to a short term problem. In reality, foster care is being extended too long and giving parents who have no intention of reunifying too much power to prevent children from being available for adoption.
Biological parents, fit or unfit, are given every chance to reclaim custody of their child. The State offers services such as job training, food stamps, and much more to help biological parents fulfill their requirements to reclaim their child. All the biological parents have to do is demonstrate a desire for reunification and their child will never be available for adoption. To demonstrate a desire the parent only needs to show up once every now and then. If they show up once, they can delay the court hearing to terminate their parental rights another year. Biological parents are never required to finish their services and they can effectively keep their child in foster care until they age out at age 18, and that is the major down side to the program.
It is true that sometimes a series of bad decisions and/or series of unfortunate events, a parent needs help getting out of hole and it may take a couple of years. That is where the State's program works. Unfortunately, there are a number of people who have dug a hole that they have no intention of getting out of. They have found comfort and appreciate the familiarity of their difficulty and will never be able to parent their children. This is where the State program fails. If a parent lives snuggled deep into their addiction or tragedy, there needs to be a way to identify that parent and have a schedule to get their child off the foster care register and onto the adoption waiting list. There needs to be a deadline for these parent's to complete their services. They need to be required to finish their program. It is completely unfair to the child to be left in Foster Care for 5, 10, 15, 18 years.
I have no answers but the more people that are aware of the issues, the more minds pondering the issues, perhaps the next ingenious idea on how to fix or at least improve Foster Care will come sooner than later.
Rosie O'Donnel's new movie is called "America" and will be shown on Lifetime on Feb. 28 at 9 pm, March 1 at 8 pm and March 3 at 8 pm (et/pt). The movie is based on the book "America" by E.R. Frank. For more about the movie and book go to Lifetime: http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/movies/america
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Foster Care UnFair (2)
Rosie O'Donnel has many faults but her passion for kids and advocacy for kids' issues is commendable. She doesn't just talk a bunch of talk. She isn't just a self promoter using orphanages to get her face in the news. She takes kids into her own home. She may not be perfect, but who of us is? She is doing something to make this world a better place.
Why promote Rosie O'Donnel now? She has a new movie coming out about Foster Care. This is a tough subject, but it is a reality. Rosie's new movie is called "America" and will be shown on Lifetime on Feb. 28 at 9 pm, March 1 at 8 pm and March 3 at 8 pm (et/pt). The movie is based on the book "America" by E.R. Frank. For more about the movie and book go to Lifetime: http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/movies/america
I haven't seen the movie and probably won't since I don't have cable (economics, I don't need cable. I need to pay the electricity.) Anyway, I haven't seen the movie but the issue is of great interest to me. We fostered to adopt our son. It was a heart wrenching process with no promises or guarantees. The 18 months that our child was classified a foster child was difficult. Paperwork, meetings, and court dates on top of normal life was consuming, but we were lucky. The biological parents voluntarily signed over their rights and our son was made available for adoption. What a relief! We can focus on normal life and not worry about insurance issues, court approval for vacations, certification of babysitters, etc.
Foster Parents are remarkable people. When you agree to foster, you agree to potentially care for a child for as little as a day or for as long as 18 years (in the State of Texas). You don't know for sure what health issues, finanical issues and emotional issues the foster child will bring into your home. Foster Parents are remarkable people, but not all of them go into it with admirable intentions. Many are in it for the money. Kids in a tough spot are being exploited for a tiny pay check from the State.
Case Workers are remarkable people. Case Workers can have up to 50 cases at a time. 50 cases means 50 chilren. In Texas Case Workers are required to physically see all 50 kids every month (note they are not required to see the Foster Parents). Every month Case Workers are required to write a progress report on all 50 kids. In addition to checking up on all these kids, Case Workers are required to be in court every time one of their cases comes up; depending on the case every child could potentially have a court date every quarter. That could potentially be 200 court appearances in a year. Do you think the courts take into account the Case Worker when they schedule their dates? Do they try to get all the Case Worker's cases on the same day or even the same week?
Hypothetically, a Case Worker with 50 cases has 50 meetings, writes 50 reports and appears in court approximatly 17 times every single month. Don't forget they have other administrative duties. When a child is identified as in need of services, someone has to evaluate the family, living and personal issues of that child and not only determine a course of action but put it in writing and meet with other people and facilitate implementation. Once a child is placed in foster care there are other duties to evaluate the family, living and personal issue of that child. Needless to say the turn over job rate for Case Worker's is high.
The State Foster Care Program is a great idea but a difficult reality. The State does offer money to help Foster Parents care for the children. The State does make available specialiezed services to help parents regain custody, to help get children specialized services for individual needs and to help foster parents. But there are so many rules, so much paper work, so few workers. As a previous Foster Parent, the program appears to be a balloon about to burst. Then what happens to the children?
I have no answers but the more people that are aware of the issues, the more minds pondering the issues, perhaps the next ingenious idea on how to fix or at least improve Foster Care will come sooner than later.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Foster Care UnFair
Rosie O'Donnel is not one of my favorite people. Frankly, I usually turn the channel when I realize it is her. However, I love Good Morning America (http://abcnews.go.com/GMA), and Chris Quomo was interviewing her. I like Mr. Quomo so I listened. I am so glad that I did. I am going to have to find a way to see her new movie. (I don't have cable, satellite or whatever).
Foster Care is a great idea, but a difficult reality. The statistics quoted by Mr. Quomo included 30,000 children every year age out of foster care. Aging out means that the State has deemed the child an adult and will no longer support them through foster care. Foster parents will not receive any finanical help to support the new "adult" and the new "adult" will no longer be eligible for state funded programs such as job training and educational assistants.
Of course, there are ways the "adult" can aquire additional assistants for job training or education, but they have to have the desire and where withall to get it. Of course, how can they care about the hoops they must hop through when their more immediate concern is, "Where am I going to live? Where is my next meal coming from? How will I get money to pay for clothes and shoes?" And don't forget that these new adults are often kids who have just turned 18 years old. At 18, friends and fun are vital ingredients for happiness. At 18, you are willing to do just about anything to maintain your friends and have some fun.
I could go on and on about this, but Rosie's brief talk about the hardships of Foster Care is the focus. There are a lot of people doing great work to make the best of a broken system. Case Workers are over worked and under appreciated. Foster Parents with all good intentions have limitations in financial resources, health care and skills to help children with a huge variety of emotional needs. Foster kids, what can you say? There are so many different types of kids, different situations, different needs and wants. Kids who are great but fall through the cracks. Kids who are not so great who just need someone to care to turn them around. Kids who need an intervention to scare them into something great.
The interview and endorsement by Chris Quomo of Rosie O'Donnel's new movie pricked interest and heart strings. This is a tough subject, but it is a reality. Rosie's new movie is called "America" and will be shown on Lifetime on Feb. 28 at 9 pm, March 1 at 8 pm and March 3 at 8 pm (et/pt). The movie is based on the book "America" by E.R. Frank. For more about the movie and book go to Lifetime: http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/movies/america
Why do I care about this subject? We fostered to adopt one of our sons. The 18 months that he was classified a foster child were heart wrenching. I am greatly disappointed how the program is administered, but I am extremely thankful for the result in our family. We are one of the lucky ones. How many more are not so lucky?
Foster Care is a great idea, but a difficult reality. The statistics quoted by Mr. Quomo included 30,000 children every year age out of foster care. Aging out means that the State has deemed the child an adult and will no longer support them through foster care. Foster parents will not receive any finanical help to support the new "adult" and the new "adult" will no longer be eligible for state funded programs such as job training and educational assistants.
Of course, there are ways the "adult" can aquire additional assistants for job training or education, but they have to have the desire and where withall to get it. Of course, how can they care about the hoops they must hop through when their more immediate concern is, "Where am I going to live? Where is my next meal coming from? How will I get money to pay for clothes and shoes?" And don't forget that these new adults are often kids who have just turned 18 years old. At 18, friends and fun are vital ingredients for happiness. At 18, you are willing to do just about anything to maintain your friends and have some fun.
I could go on and on about this, but Rosie's brief talk about the hardships of Foster Care is the focus. There are a lot of people doing great work to make the best of a broken system. Case Workers are over worked and under appreciated. Foster Parents with all good intentions have limitations in financial resources, health care and skills to help children with a huge variety of emotional needs. Foster kids, what can you say? There are so many different types of kids, different situations, different needs and wants. Kids who are great but fall through the cracks. Kids who are not so great who just need someone to care to turn them around. Kids who need an intervention to scare them into something great.
The interview and endorsement by Chris Quomo of Rosie O'Donnel's new movie pricked interest and heart strings. This is a tough subject, but it is a reality. Rosie's new movie is called "America" and will be shown on Lifetime on Feb. 28 at 9 pm, March 1 at 8 pm and March 3 at 8 pm (et/pt). The movie is based on the book "America" by E.R. Frank. For more about the movie and book go to Lifetime: http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/movies/america
Why do I care about this subject? We fostered to adopt one of our sons. The 18 months that he was classified a foster child were heart wrenching. I am greatly disappointed how the program is administered, but I am extremely thankful for the result in our family. We are one of the lucky ones. How many more are not so lucky?
Friday, January 9, 2009
Step Ten: Celebration
Celebration! It seems redundant after the last entry. Finalization was a huge celebration. Every year we get to celebrate our son’s birthday is a huge celebration, but every December I still remember that court date when I hugged the biological mother. Every August I still remember that court date when we signed the finalization papers to finally adopt our son.
Such a mixed blessing, I celebrate the joy of our son, but I feel sorrow for the biological parents. I love my son as if he were my own. I cannot imagine him being taken away from me. I cannot image voluntarily giving him away. What a tremendously selfless act to acknowledge your weaknesses and sign away your parental rights. I saw the pain in their eyes. They didn’t want to let go, but they knew it was best for the baby. We can’t thank them enough for allowing us to adopt their son.
So we celebrate. We acknowledge the sacrifice that was made, but we celebrate the love. We celebrate an answer to prayer. We celebrate this valued addition to our family. We celebrate life and family and love and all that good stuff.
Foster to Adopt (aka Special Needs Adoption) is a tough road with many twists and turns but when you cross that finish line, the joy is indescribable. I highly recommend you taking a ride.
Such a mixed blessing, I celebrate the joy of our son, but I feel sorrow for the biological parents. I love my son as if he were my own. I cannot imagine him being taken away from me. I cannot image voluntarily giving him away. What a tremendously selfless act to acknowledge your weaknesses and sign away your parental rights. I saw the pain in their eyes. They didn’t want to let go, but they knew it was best for the baby. We can’t thank them enough for allowing us to adopt their son.
So we celebrate. We acknowledge the sacrifice that was made, but we celebrate the love. We celebrate an answer to prayer. We celebrate this valued addition to our family. We celebrate life and family and love and all that good stuff.
Foster to Adopt (aka Special Needs Adoption) is a tough road with many twists and turns but when you cross that finish line, the joy is indescribable. I highly recommend you taking a ride.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Step Nine: Finalization
In the State of Texas once a child is made available for adoption and then placed in a home for adoption, there is a six (6) month waiting period before finalization of the adoption can be made. This six (6) month waiting period is not waived even if you have fostered this child from 10 days old. So we had to wait. We had to wait six (6) months to assure compatibility and that the child was in a healthy and loving environment. We had to wait longer as our Case Worker got ill and suffered a family loss. We had to wait as the Judge went on vacation. We had to wait as the Case Worker and the Judge caught up when they got back to work. In all we waited eight (8) months. Now that does not seem like a long time, but then it felt like an eternity.
Finalization is a court date. You and your spouse and any other children in your family get to stand in front of the judge and swear to love this child and sign a bunch of stuff that says your are now financially responsible for this child. We loved it. We took pictures. Our older son enjoyed it too. He got to go up behind the Judges desk and bang the gavel and get his picture taken. Our whole family was their, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles. All were there to officially welcome the latest addition to the family the moment he was official.
It was an exciting day. We wanted to celebrate by going to the Downtown Aquarium for a good meal and then to play games and see the sights. The kids made it through the meal but then they both fell asleep. The party ended early and we headed home with our two beautiful, 100% ours, boys.
Finalization is a court date. You and your spouse and any other children in your family get to stand in front of the judge and swear to love this child and sign a bunch of stuff that says your are now financially responsible for this child. We loved it. We took pictures. Our older son enjoyed it too. He got to go up behind the Judges desk and bang the gavel and get his picture taken. Our whole family was their, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles. All were there to officially welcome the latest addition to the family the moment he was official.
It was an exciting day. We wanted to celebrate by going to the Downtown Aquarium for a good meal and then to play games and see the sights. The kids made it through the meal but then they both fell asleep. The party ended early and we headed home with our two beautiful, 100% ours, boys.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Step Eight: Hold Your Breath
Step Seven of our adoption experience was November 24, 2008. Then we had computer problems, the kids came home from school, the holidays and other stuff got in the way. So here we are again to finish the series... Step Eight: Hold Your Breath
Both biological parents started their plans to work towards reunification. Both biological parents faced some tremendous hurdles to complete their plans. As they worked towards reunification, we held our breath. So how much of your heart do you give away to a child that may be ripped from your home? Holding that child, I could not hold back my heart. He was beautiful. He was tiny. He had some health concerns. He needed me and not just part of me. I gave him my whole heart.
Six months we held our breath. We listened to reports on the biological parent’s progress. We participated in monthly reviews of our home, our parenting, our child by the Case Workers to assure the child was cared for and that we were good people. We filled out all the paper work on our child’s developmental progress, medical concerns, medications, babysitters, etc. We attended court dates to update the Judge overseeing the case.
We held our breath as our Case Worker reported her torment over the biological father. He had written her letters pleading for custody. She was very moved by his desire to father his son. It was hard for me to hear. I wanted to believe that the biological parents had abandoned this child and were off doing their own thing, but that was not true. They both showed loved for their child and the biological father had demonstrated that love to the Case Worker. My husband and I had to choke down some heart ache and ask what was best for the child. We certainly loved him, but were we what was best for the child? Maybe his biological father did not have the resources we did, but that did not make him a bad father. What was best for the child? At our December court date that question was answered for us.
At our December court date we unexpectedly met both the biological mother and father at the Court House. We had been to court before and had not seen them, so we were a bit surprised. Supposedly the identity of the foster parents is confidential for the protection of the child and the foster parents, so we didn’t introduce ourselves. I had arrived with my usual “Brag Book” of pictures. My “Brag Book” contained pictures carefully chosen to not reveal where we lived or anything about our family, but pictures that did show how healthy and happy the baby was.
Court was recessed to allow the lawyers to review with both biological parents the book of pictures. Then we were informed that the biological parents both voluntarily waived their rights as parents to make our son available for adoption. The rest of the court time is a blur. I remember being in a room with some legal people telling me stuff and signing something, I think. What I remember most is bumping into the biological mom in the hallway. She very shyly looked at me and asked if I was going to be the one to adopt her son. I said, “Yes.” I really didn’t know what to say, but I was holding the “Brag Book” and asked if she wanted any pictures. That broke the ice, she took some pictures and exchanged pleasantries about what a beautiful baby he is. Then she hugged me. I started to cry and tried to tell her that he would know how much she loved him. I can’t imagine how hard that moment must have been for her. All I can do is thank her. I never saw or heard from her again.
Termination, we had it! Termination terminates the parental rights of the biological parents and makes the child available for adoption. Termination is of the biggest mile stones on the path of Foster to Adopt. We had hoped and prayed for “Termination.” This is a joyous term for me, but at the moment I hugged the biological mom, I realized what a horrible word it was for her. There are no words to describe the emotions of sorrow and guilt and joy. I felt sorrow for her loss. I felt guilty for taking her child, but I felt great joy in gaining full custody of this child.
We are in the home stretch. Step Nine: Finalization and Step Ten: Celebration.
Both biological parents started their plans to work towards reunification. Both biological parents faced some tremendous hurdles to complete their plans. As they worked towards reunification, we held our breath. So how much of your heart do you give away to a child that may be ripped from your home? Holding that child, I could not hold back my heart. He was beautiful. He was tiny. He had some health concerns. He needed me and not just part of me. I gave him my whole heart.
Six months we held our breath. We listened to reports on the biological parent’s progress. We participated in monthly reviews of our home, our parenting, our child by the Case Workers to assure the child was cared for and that we were good people. We filled out all the paper work on our child’s developmental progress, medical concerns, medications, babysitters, etc. We attended court dates to update the Judge overseeing the case.
We held our breath as our Case Worker reported her torment over the biological father. He had written her letters pleading for custody. She was very moved by his desire to father his son. It was hard for me to hear. I wanted to believe that the biological parents had abandoned this child and were off doing their own thing, but that was not true. They both showed loved for their child and the biological father had demonstrated that love to the Case Worker. My husband and I had to choke down some heart ache and ask what was best for the child. We certainly loved him, but were we what was best for the child? Maybe his biological father did not have the resources we did, but that did not make him a bad father. What was best for the child? At our December court date that question was answered for us.
At our December court date we unexpectedly met both the biological mother and father at the Court House. We had been to court before and had not seen them, so we were a bit surprised. Supposedly the identity of the foster parents is confidential for the protection of the child and the foster parents, so we didn’t introduce ourselves. I had arrived with my usual “Brag Book” of pictures. My “Brag Book” contained pictures carefully chosen to not reveal where we lived or anything about our family, but pictures that did show how healthy and happy the baby was.
Court was recessed to allow the lawyers to review with both biological parents the book of pictures. Then we were informed that the biological parents both voluntarily waived their rights as parents to make our son available for adoption. The rest of the court time is a blur. I remember being in a room with some legal people telling me stuff and signing something, I think. What I remember most is bumping into the biological mom in the hallway. She very shyly looked at me and asked if I was going to be the one to adopt her son. I said, “Yes.” I really didn’t know what to say, but I was holding the “Brag Book” and asked if she wanted any pictures. That broke the ice, she took some pictures and exchanged pleasantries about what a beautiful baby he is. Then she hugged me. I started to cry and tried to tell her that he would know how much she loved him. I can’t imagine how hard that moment must have been for her. All I can do is thank her. I never saw or heard from her again.
Termination, we had it! Termination terminates the parental rights of the biological parents and makes the child available for adoption. Termination is of the biggest mile stones on the path of Foster to Adopt. We had hoped and prayed for “Termination.” This is a joyous term for me, but at the moment I hugged the biological mom, I realized what a horrible word it was for her. There are no words to describe the emotions of sorrow and guilt and joy. I felt sorrow for her loss. I felt guilty for taking her child, but I felt great joy in gaining full custody of this child.
We are in the home stretch. Step Nine: Finalization and Step Ten: Celebration.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Step Seven: Biology Matters
We had a 10 day old baby boy placed in our home. He was labeled low legal risk and low special needs. Even so, the first goal of the State of Texas is to reunify the child with their biological family. Case Workers are required to do due diligence in searching for biological family. Both the biological mother and father expressed a desire to reclaim their child. Older biological siblings were found that were of an age to take custody. As far as we know, there was no extended family found other than the siblings.
So biology matters, it really matters when you take your child to the emergency room in the middle of the night. There is nothing more miserable than an infant with an uncontrollable fever. My personal fear is that my child will stop breathing, and our foster child gave us plenty of wheezing and scares to feed my fear. We went to the emergency room several times.
When you go to the emergency room, one of the first things they ask is family medical history. Other than the birth record, we know nothing about the family medical history. With the due diligence in locating the biological family, inquiries were made, but the biological family chose not to disclose. As a foster/adoptive parent you have nothing to help motivate the family to disclose. We tried to get a judge to require disclosure, but the best the judge could do was recommend disclosure. Thankfully, by the age of four our son had pretty much out grown the wheezing and the fevers.
So what are the biological family rights? Well, they apparently have the right to withhold family medical history. They also have at least a year to demonstrate efforts to reclaim their child. Since reunification is the ultimate goal, the State will develop a plan for the biological parents/family to fulfill. The plan includes classes and demonstration of financial responsibility as in maintaining a place to live and keeping a job. Plans vary from case to case. To keep a child in foster care and unavailable for adoption, the biological family only has to demonstrate a desire for reunification. They are never required to complete the plan. If they attend a class here and there, appear for a court date or two, they can drag the foster plan out until the child ages out at 18 years old.
In our case, both biological parents started their plans which brings us to the next step in the foster to adopt process, the hold your breath phase.
So biology matters, it really matters when you take your child to the emergency room in the middle of the night. There is nothing more miserable than an infant with an uncontrollable fever. My personal fear is that my child will stop breathing, and our foster child gave us plenty of wheezing and scares to feed my fear. We went to the emergency room several times.
When you go to the emergency room, one of the first things they ask is family medical history. Other than the birth record, we know nothing about the family medical history. With the due diligence in locating the biological family, inquiries were made, but the biological family chose not to disclose. As a foster/adoptive parent you have nothing to help motivate the family to disclose. We tried to get a judge to require disclosure, but the best the judge could do was recommend disclosure. Thankfully, by the age of four our son had pretty much out grown the wheezing and the fevers.
So what are the biological family rights? Well, they apparently have the right to withhold family medical history. They also have at least a year to demonstrate efforts to reclaim their child. Since reunification is the ultimate goal, the State will develop a plan for the biological parents/family to fulfill. The plan includes classes and demonstration of financial responsibility as in maintaining a place to live and keeping a job. Plans vary from case to case. To keep a child in foster care and unavailable for adoption, the biological family only has to demonstrate a desire for reunification. They are never required to complete the plan. If they attend a class here and there, appear for a court date or two, they can drag the foster plan out until the child ages out at 18 years old.
In our case, both biological parents started their plans which brings us to the next step in the foster to adopt process, the hold your breath phase.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Step Six: Placement
Placement is such a joyous time. The excitement of the placement of an adopted child is just as exciting as the birth of a new baby, but unfortunately, this joy has some strings attached. We had a 10 day old baby boy placed in our home. He was labeled low legal risk and low special needs. Even so, the first goal of the State of Texas is to reunify the child with their biological family. We had placement. We had joy. We held our breath.
Once you have placement you then start the paper work, the interviews and the court dates. Every thing a placed child does in your home has to be documented. There are forms for taking him to the doctor. There are forms to chart every bit of medicine including saline solution and baby aspirin. There are forms to fill out if you want to travel and stay overnight somewhere other than your home (weekend trips, vacations,…). There are forms to fill out if you want to leave your child with a babysitter or family member. You don’t just fill the forms out, you have to submit them and some require prior approval before you can go forward (trips and babysitters). If you intend to take the child out of state for a vacation, not only does it need to be submitted and approved, it has to go before a court judge.
I don’t understand the reports of children that are neglected in foster care. Every quarter we had a packet we had to fill out regarding the development of the baby. We submitted, and it was reviewed. We had people calling us when they saw in the packet that the baby was not doing whatever it was supposed to be doing (rolling over, feeding itself…). We had people in our home doing evaluations and tests with the baby to check his development. The child’s State assigned Case Worker was required to visit the child at least once a month to physically evaluate the child’s home environment, health and safety of the child, and evaluate the foster parents. Granted our Case Worker would get overloaded. Sometime we just had a quick phone interview of us, but the case worker did go to the baby’s day care for a physical evaluation of the health of the baby. In addition to forms and Case Worker interviews, there were quarterly court dates. Quarterly a judge reviewed all the paper work and had the Case Worker say under oath that they had physically seen the child and the child was in good care. The judge also looked at reunification and what the biological family was doing, but that is a story for another time.
We filled out forms, made ourselves, our home, our family available for interviews and evaluations, and we appeared in court. We documented. IMPORTANT TIP: don’t just document by filling out forms, TAKE PICTURES. Take lots of pictures and submit them. The judge will look at the pictures. The lawyers will look at the pictures. If the biological family is involved, they will look at the pictures. Pictures demonstrate a snap shot of health and happiness. As a foster parent, as a potential adoptive parent, you want to demonstrate that you will provide a healthy environment and happy, loving environment.
Placement is just one of many steps on this journey. Keep holding your breath, next biology matters.
Once you have placement you then start the paper work, the interviews and the court dates. Every thing a placed child does in your home has to be documented. There are forms for taking him to the doctor. There are forms to chart every bit of medicine including saline solution and baby aspirin. There are forms to fill out if you want to travel and stay overnight somewhere other than your home (weekend trips, vacations,…). There are forms to fill out if you want to leave your child with a babysitter or family member. You don’t just fill the forms out, you have to submit them and some require prior approval before you can go forward (trips and babysitters). If you intend to take the child out of state for a vacation, not only does it need to be submitted and approved, it has to go before a court judge.
I don’t understand the reports of children that are neglected in foster care. Every quarter we had a packet we had to fill out regarding the development of the baby. We submitted, and it was reviewed. We had people calling us when they saw in the packet that the baby was not doing whatever it was supposed to be doing (rolling over, feeding itself…). We had people in our home doing evaluations and tests with the baby to check his development. The child’s State assigned Case Worker was required to visit the child at least once a month to physically evaluate the child’s home environment, health and safety of the child, and evaluate the foster parents. Granted our Case Worker would get overloaded. Sometime we just had a quick phone interview of us, but the case worker did go to the baby’s day care for a physical evaluation of the health of the baby. In addition to forms and Case Worker interviews, there were quarterly court dates. Quarterly a judge reviewed all the paper work and had the Case Worker say under oath that they had physically seen the child and the child was in good care. The judge also looked at reunification and what the biological family was doing, but that is a story for another time.
We filled out forms, made ourselves, our home, our family available for interviews and evaluations, and we appeared in court. We documented. IMPORTANT TIP: don’t just document by filling out forms, TAKE PICTURES. Take lots of pictures and submit them. The judge will look at the pictures. The lawyers will look at the pictures. If the biological family is involved, they will look at the pictures. Pictures demonstrate a snap shot of health and happiness. As a foster parent, as a potential adoptive parent, you want to demonstrate that you will provide a healthy environment and happy, loving environment.
Placement is just one of many steps on this journey. Keep holding your breath, next biology matters.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Step Five: Picking You
We were certified, we were networking and now we were being considered as a family to foster a child until they were available for adoption.
We said, “Yes,” to a number of children’s profiles. We were short listed and taken to a few “Four Ways” (see Step Four: Pick ME! For more information about “Four Ways.”). Eventually, we were selected as a home for a waiting child, well, in this case children. We were so excited. In the formal process, once you are selected, there is a number of meet and greets you have with the child or children. The first time you meet the child, you do not take them with you. This is just an introduction. The next time you meet the child, you get to take them with you but not overnight. You can take them out to dinner or to the park, but you do not take them home. Next, you take them home, but only for a night or two. Each step the Case Workers, you and the child are evaluating compatibility. If all goes well, the next step is to move the child into your home. This is a best case scenario and in the real world, not always possible.
We had been selected to take two boys of Hispanic decent. They were in foster care, but there was some urgency to have them placed in a home. We were supposed to skip all the meet and greets and just move them in. The week they were supposed to move in, we were notified that they were no longer available for placement. A family member had stepped up and was taking custody. It was a little fishy to us that we were skipping the meet and greets, but the move date had been postponed two weeks. Were they really available for placement or were we being used to motivate somebody? There was no way to know, so we tried to recover from this disappointment by dreaming that they were happy and safe.
Time passed and discouragement set in. We still received calls, but it broke my heart every time we were not selected. We always asked why we were not selected. The Case Worker didn’t like answering that question, but she was more inclined to discuss the family that was selected. I noticed in our conversations that in the family that was selected, the Mom did not work. I was a working Mom. My heart sank.
Then the call came. We still don’t know why they didn’t call me, but called my husband. I am glad that they did. With all the disappointment and my sinking heart, if I had heard the profile, I probably would have said, “no.” My husband was called and told we had an hour to decide if we wanted to be submitted. If we wanted to be submitted, we would need to go to the hospital right away for an interview. The excitement in my husband’s voice was amazing. I ditched my job, grabbed our other son and we took off for the hospital.
We expected to meet more Case Workers and other families and agencies. It was quiet and lonely in the waiting room. Thankfully, we had our five year old son with us to keep us busy. When we were taken back into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, the nurse looked at me and said, “you must be the mom. Would you like to hold your child?” What could I do? I cried, my heart was in my throat. I held that child. I had to sit down. I was shaking. My husband just smiled at us. Our other son was far more interested in all the cool gadgets in the room and was not terribly interested in the baby. I pulled a little bitty hand out from under the blanket and then looked at all his precious toes. The baby never cried. He slept comfortably in my arms and was not concerned a bit of this strange person touching his fingers and toes. He was beautiful. He was perfect.
We placed the baby back in his crib and then were escorted to another room to talk with the Case Workers and Nurse. We thought it would be an interview to see if we were a good fit for the child. It did not take long to figure out that we were the only family for this child. We listened to the Case Worker tell us about the tragedy the mother had been through, the tragedy the father was in and the tragedy the baby had survived. We listened to the Nurse tell us about the complications with the birth, the limited medial history, the potential for long term effects. The baby was ten days old and had already been through so much. We listened to short term care and long term care. My husband and I had to take a time out. We had to step back from the emotion of the moment and discuss what it all meant. We both decided it meant we needed to take that child home.
Placement was here, but was it permanent? This was a question not easily answered.
We said, “Yes,” to a number of children’s profiles. We were short listed and taken to a few “Four Ways” (see Step Four: Pick ME! For more information about “Four Ways.”). Eventually, we were selected as a home for a waiting child, well, in this case children. We were so excited. In the formal process, once you are selected, there is a number of meet and greets you have with the child or children. The first time you meet the child, you do not take them with you. This is just an introduction. The next time you meet the child, you get to take them with you but not overnight. You can take them out to dinner or to the park, but you do not take them home. Next, you take them home, but only for a night or two. Each step the Case Workers, you and the child are evaluating compatibility. If all goes well, the next step is to move the child into your home. This is a best case scenario and in the real world, not always possible.
We had been selected to take two boys of Hispanic decent. They were in foster care, but there was some urgency to have them placed in a home. We were supposed to skip all the meet and greets and just move them in. The week they were supposed to move in, we were notified that they were no longer available for placement. A family member had stepped up and was taking custody. It was a little fishy to us that we were skipping the meet and greets, but the move date had been postponed two weeks. Were they really available for placement or were we being used to motivate somebody? There was no way to know, so we tried to recover from this disappointment by dreaming that they were happy and safe.
Time passed and discouragement set in. We still received calls, but it broke my heart every time we were not selected. We always asked why we were not selected. The Case Worker didn’t like answering that question, but she was more inclined to discuss the family that was selected. I noticed in our conversations that in the family that was selected, the Mom did not work. I was a working Mom. My heart sank.
Then the call came. We still don’t know why they didn’t call me, but called my husband. I am glad that they did. With all the disappointment and my sinking heart, if I had heard the profile, I probably would have said, “no.” My husband was called and told we had an hour to decide if we wanted to be submitted. If we wanted to be submitted, we would need to go to the hospital right away for an interview. The excitement in my husband’s voice was amazing. I ditched my job, grabbed our other son and we took off for the hospital.
We expected to meet more Case Workers and other families and agencies. It was quiet and lonely in the waiting room. Thankfully, we had our five year old son with us to keep us busy. When we were taken back into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, the nurse looked at me and said, “you must be the mom. Would you like to hold your child?” What could I do? I cried, my heart was in my throat. I held that child. I had to sit down. I was shaking. My husband just smiled at us. Our other son was far more interested in all the cool gadgets in the room and was not terribly interested in the baby. I pulled a little bitty hand out from under the blanket and then looked at all his precious toes. The baby never cried. He slept comfortably in my arms and was not concerned a bit of this strange person touching his fingers and toes. He was beautiful. He was perfect.
We placed the baby back in his crib and then were escorted to another room to talk with the Case Workers and Nurse. We thought it would be an interview to see if we were a good fit for the child. It did not take long to figure out that we were the only family for this child. We listened to the Case Worker tell us about the tragedy the mother had been through, the tragedy the father was in and the tragedy the baby had survived. We listened to the Nurse tell us about the complications with the birth, the limited medial history, the potential for long term effects. The baby was ten days old and had already been through so much. We listened to short term care and long term care. My husband and I had to take a time out. We had to step back from the emotion of the moment and discuss what it all meant. We both decided it meant we needed to take that child home.
Placement was here, but was it permanent? This was a question not easily answered.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Step Four: Pick ME!
Finally, we were certified to foster. Our home was ready to greet a new child. What is next? Next is a very frustrating game that requires skills in networking and marketing.
At any given time in the City of Houston alone there are more than a 1,000 children available for adoption. You would think with such a high number, having a child placed in your home would be quick. It is not. Depending on how restricted you are in what type of child you will receive, you could wait 6 months or up to 5 years. Five years being for those who will only accept infant, Caucasian, girls. If you are willing to accept boys and/or girls, your wait is shorter. If you are willing to receive children of other races, the wait is shorter. If you are willing to accept sibling groups (2 or more brothers and/or sisters), your wait could be even shorter.
We were open to a boy or girl of any race and sibling groups of up to three. We were restricted on the number in the sibling group because of the size of our house. To foster in the State of Texas, there is a number of square feet of living space that you have to have per person in the household. Our house was certified for four children and we already had one, so a sibling group of 2 or three was it for us. We didn’t get a sibling group, so really a mute question.
In the State of Texas there are a lot of good intentions developed into the foster program. The first goal is to reunify children with their parents, guardians or at least someone of significance already in the child’s life. When that is not possible, the child is placed in foster care. There are a lot of agencies that work with the State to help place children in loving homes. When a child needs placement, a call goes out to all the agencies and State Case Workers with a brief profile of the child and the situation. The agencies then go through their waiting families and try to select the family best suited for that child. They call the family and give them the brief profile and a choice to be submitted. If the family agrees, their application is submitted to the State. Of all the families of all the agencies, the State tries to select the best (I think it is three) three families each from a different agency. This is the short list and a meeting will be held called a “Four Way” where each agency will give their case to the State why their family is the best family for this child. The State then awards placement. This, of course, is the best case scenario and not always possible.
A suggestion our agency made to help promote our family was to create a Family Life Book. Our Case Worker then would submit our Family Book along with our application to help the State decided to select us. In our book, we dedicated one page per family member plus a page about the family pet, a page about the community and a page about our church. I like graphic design and photography so I added plenty of pictures and graphic elements.
If there is any advice I can give a waiting family, it is pictures. Take lots of pictures, happy pictures in good lighting. If you have kids and want more kids, take pictures of your kids. If you don’t have kids but have a pet, take lots of pictures of your pet. If you don’t have kids or a pet, take pictures of your extended family. If you are alone in this world, take pictures of you at places you would like to take your future child too. Nothing makes you more real than you. Take a picture of you. Giving the State a real person through a photo helps them see that you are the real deal and ready for placement.
So we are waiting for placement, waiting for a child to be placed in our home. We were not getting any calls. We eventually discovered that many children are in an emergency placement situation, and there is not enough time to go through a formal process to select a family. We knew we were one of many families waiting so to help keep our name at the top of the call list, we decided to call every week. We also discovered that the State had open houses where agencies and State Case Workers come together to discuss new policies and procedures and children already in foster care in need of more permanent placement. The State’s objective is to keep each child on the front of everybody’s mind so nobody gets lost or left out. The agencies are able to review case studies and profiles. Since families come and go through the process, this meet and greet is a good opportunity to be reminded of an old case that is perfect for a new family.
Even though we are not an agency, my husband and I went to a few of these meetings. It was a good networking opportunity. We met many State representatives in Child Protective Services. Our theory was not just to look good on paper, but to look good in person. We hoped to not be just a name on a piece of paper, but when a child came up and our family was submitted, we hoped we had met that Case Worker and that they said, “Oh, I met this family. Let’s call them in.” There is no way for us to tell, but our phone began to ring.
At any given time in the City of Houston alone there are more than a 1,000 children available for adoption. You would think with such a high number, having a child placed in your home would be quick. It is not. Depending on how restricted you are in what type of child you will receive, you could wait 6 months or up to 5 years. Five years being for those who will only accept infant, Caucasian, girls. If you are willing to accept boys and/or girls, your wait is shorter. If you are willing to receive children of other races, the wait is shorter. If you are willing to accept sibling groups (2 or more brothers and/or sisters), your wait could be even shorter.
We were open to a boy or girl of any race and sibling groups of up to three. We were restricted on the number in the sibling group because of the size of our house. To foster in the State of Texas, there is a number of square feet of living space that you have to have per person in the household. Our house was certified for four children and we already had one, so a sibling group of 2 or three was it for us. We didn’t get a sibling group, so really a mute question.
In the State of Texas there are a lot of good intentions developed into the foster program. The first goal is to reunify children with their parents, guardians or at least someone of significance already in the child’s life. When that is not possible, the child is placed in foster care. There are a lot of agencies that work with the State to help place children in loving homes. When a child needs placement, a call goes out to all the agencies and State Case Workers with a brief profile of the child and the situation. The agencies then go through their waiting families and try to select the family best suited for that child. They call the family and give them the brief profile and a choice to be submitted. If the family agrees, their application is submitted to the State. Of all the families of all the agencies, the State tries to select the best (I think it is three) three families each from a different agency. This is the short list and a meeting will be held called a “Four Way” where each agency will give their case to the State why their family is the best family for this child. The State then awards placement. This, of course, is the best case scenario and not always possible.
A suggestion our agency made to help promote our family was to create a Family Life Book. Our Case Worker then would submit our Family Book along with our application to help the State decided to select us. In our book, we dedicated one page per family member plus a page about the family pet, a page about the community and a page about our church. I like graphic design and photography so I added plenty of pictures and graphic elements.
If there is any advice I can give a waiting family, it is pictures. Take lots of pictures, happy pictures in good lighting. If you have kids and want more kids, take pictures of your kids. If you don’t have kids but have a pet, take lots of pictures of your pet. If you don’t have kids or a pet, take pictures of your extended family. If you are alone in this world, take pictures of you at places you would like to take your future child too. Nothing makes you more real than you. Take a picture of you. Giving the State a real person through a photo helps them see that you are the real deal and ready for placement.
So we are waiting for placement, waiting for a child to be placed in our home. We were not getting any calls. We eventually discovered that many children are in an emergency placement situation, and there is not enough time to go through a formal process to select a family. We knew we were one of many families waiting so to help keep our name at the top of the call list, we decided to call every week. We also discovered that the State had open houses where agencies and State Case Workers come together to discuss new policies and procedures and children already in foster care in need of more permanent placement. The State’s objective is to keep each child on the front of everybody’s mind so nobody gets lost or left out. The agencies are able to review case studies and profiles. Since families come and go through the process, this meet and greet is a good opportunity to be reminded of an old case that is perfect for a new family.
Even though we are not an agency, my husband and I went to a few of these meetings. It was a good networking opportunity. We met many State representatives in Child Protective Services. Our theory was not just to look good on paper, but to look good in person. We hoped to not be just a name on a piece of paper, but when a child came up and our family was submitted, we hoped we had met that Case Worker and that they said, “Oh, I met this family. Let’s call them in.” There is no way for us to tell, but our phone began to ring.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Step Four: Prepare your Heart
Our journey to get certified to foster led us down a path we did not expect. The hardest most, heart wrenching, thought provoking part of the process was filling out the survey to determine what type of child we were able to foster and potentially adopt. Honesty and good intentions do not make you a good parent for all children. There are other things to consider.
While we were taking our certification classes, we had a packet of forms to fill out. In these forms there was a very long survey that really helped my husband and I talk about how extreme a special need we thought we could handle. When we thought of Special Needs, we thought of handicapped. A wheelchair or walker, no problem for us; we thought physical handicaps are no problem. We could learn sign language or adapt to the needs of the blind. The survey got detailed and asked questions that we had not thought about regarding feeding tubes and breathing machines and medications. We had to talk a lot.
Our hearts said we could care for any child with any need, but our minds made us do a reality check. Some of these medical needs would not be short term. Some of these needs would place this child in our home for life. A lifetime commitment was what we were making, but a lifetime caring for a child that would never be independent that would physically live with us for our entire life made us think. We wouldn’t just be making this commitment for ourselves. We would be making this commitment for the son we already had. Who would care for the child that grew into an adult when we were gone? Aside from all the doctors, the time, the money; we had to think about our extended family.
As we thought about our extended family, we thought about the impact of a mentally challenged child. Our first thoughts were of Down syndrome and cases like that. We knew families affected by Down syndrome, and they loved their kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world. We could handle it, but could our son? Could our extended family? Then as we went through the survey, the survey broadened our minds to the possibilities of what mental challenge meant. It reached far beyond Down syndrome.
What about children of abuse and neglect? The classes told us about odd habits that seem harmless, but may be signs of a long term mental challenge such as food hording. Some children don’t have a special blanket, doll or teddy bear; and some children don’t have any attachment to any toy of any kind. Some children have attachment disorders which means they will not bond with you. Therapy can help, but it may take years, or never, before the child will hold your hand or give you a hug. I am not a real touchy-feely person, but I hug my kids a lot. It would break my heart to not be able to hug and hold my kids. Could I handle a child who was incapable of hugging? It made me think.
For us with a small child already in our home and limited financial means, we decided we were best suited for a child of low legal risk and low rate of special needs. Our check list was getting checked off. Our focus moved from certification to aesthetics. We looked at our home. We wanted to make it ready and inviting to any child placed with us. Time to move to the next step.
While we were taking our certification classes, we had a packet of forms to fill out. In these forms there was a very long survey that really helped my husband and I talk about how extreme a special need we thought we could handle. When we thought of Special Needs, we thought of handicapped. A wheelchair or walker, no problem for us; we thought physical handicaps are no problem. We could learn sign language or adapt to the needs of the blind. The survey got detailed and asked questions that we had not thought about regarding feeding tubes and breathing machines and medications. We had to talk a lot.
Our hearts said we could care for any child with any need, but our minds made us do a reality check. Some of these medical needs would not be short term. Some of these needs would place this child in our home for life. A lifetime commitment was what we were making, but a lifetime caring for a child that would never be independent that would physically live with us for our entire life made us think. We wouldn’t just be making this commitment for ourselves. We would be making this commitment for the son we already had. Who would care for the child that grew into an adult when we were gone? Aside from all the doctors, the time, the money; we had to think about our extended family.
As we thought about our extended family, we thought about the impact of a mentally challenged child. Our first thoughts were of Down syndrome and cases like that. We knew families affected by Down syndrome, and they loved their kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world. We could handle it, but could our son? Could our extended family? Then as we went through the survey, the survey broadened our minds to the possibilities of what mental challenge meant. It reached far beyond Down syndrome.
What about children of abuse and neglect? The classes told us about odd habits that seem harmless, but may be signs of a long term mental challenge such as food hording. Some children don’t have a special blanket, doll or teddy bear; and some children don’t have any attachment to any toy of any kind. Some children have attachment disorders which means they will not bond with you. Therapy can help, but it may take years, or never, before the child will hold your hand or give you a hug. I am not a real touchy-feely person, but I hug my kids a lot. It would break my heart to not be able to hug and hold my kids. Could I handle a child who was incapable of hugging? It made me think.
For us with a small child already in our home and limited financial means, we decided we were best suited for a child of low legal risk and low rate of special needs. Our check list was getting checked off. Our focus moved from certification to aesthetics. We looked at our home. We wanted to make it ready and inviting to any child placed with us. Time to move to the next step.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Step Three: Certification
Along the Adoption Journey, especially if you go through Special Needs Adoption, many doors will open and then close. When the doors close, you open a window. As long as the winds of hope blow, your journey continues.
We had made the decision to adopt. We had decided that Special Needs Adoption was the path for us. We had an agency and case worker on our side. Now we set out to jump through all the hoops to be certified and eligible to foster to adopt. First things first, easier said than done. What did we need to do first? Not an easy question to answer, but we started making lists and then just started checking things off.
Every step of the way, our eyes were opened more and more. You think because you are an adult who has lived through some stuff; you have watched the news; you have read the papers; you have seen some movies; you have read some books; you think you know what to expect. As you go through the training classes, the trainers tell you the extremes, the worst case scenarios. They try to prepare you to accept, love and care for the most needy. They try to weed out the people just in it for the pay check. They try to weed out the people doing it as their civic, moral or charitable “duty” and not realizing what the potential for a really long term commitment this is. This is not just a commitment that could last a life time. It is a commitment that impacts you, your finances, your extended family and your community. Your schools, your church, the kids at the playground are all going to interact with you and any child you bring into your home.
My husband became irritated by some of the hoops we had to jump through. Time and time again we talked about the process not being designed for people like us. We like to think of ourselves as hard working, honest, and loving with best intentions. The process was designed for the worst case scenario. We don’t know, but we certainly hoped, that the process was designed to make people with the wrong motives think twice before taking a child into their homes. Of course, it does not always work, but here is a tip. If the class comes to the question and answer period and your first and only question is “when does the State start paying me?” then you are in it for the wrong reasons.
Things we had to do: take P.R.I.D.E. classes, get home up to code, collect references, complete a ton of paperwork including background check information and financial records, and get finger printed. There was more nitty gritty stuff. We got it done.
The hardest most heart wrenching, thought provoking part of the process, filling out the survey to determine what type of child we were able to foster and potentially adopt. Honesty and good intentions do not make you a good parent for all children. There are other things to consider; more about that tomorrow.
We had made the decision to adopt. We had decided that Special Needs Adoption was the path for us. We had an agency and case worker on our side. Now we set out to jump through all the hoops to be certified and eligible to foster to adopt. First things first, easier said than done. What did we need to do first? Not an easy question to answer, but we started making lists and then just started checking things off.
Every step of the way, our eyes were opened more and more. You think because you are an adult who has lived through some stuff; you have watched the news; you have read the papers; you have seen some movies; you have read some books; you think you know what to expect. As you go through the training classes, the trainers tell you the extremes, the worst case scenarios. They try to prepare you to accept, love and care for the most needy. They try to weed out the people just in it for the pay check. They try to weed out the people doing it as their civic, moral or charitable “duty” and not realizing what the potential for a really long term commitment this is. This is not just a commitment that could last a life time. It is a commitment that impacts you, your finances, your extended family and your community. Your schools, your church, the kids at the playground are all going to interact with you and any child you bring into your home.
My husband became irritated by some of the hoops we had to jump through. Time and time again we talked about the process not being designed for people like us. We like to think of ourselves as hard working, honest, and loving with best intentions. The process was designed for the worst case scenario. We don’t know, but we certainly hoped, that the process was designed to make people with the wrong motives think twice before taking a child into their homes. Of course, it does not always work, but here is a tip. If the class comes to the question and answer period and your first and only question is “when does the State start paying me?” then you are in it for the wrong reasons.
Things we had to do: take P.R.I.D.E. classes, get home up to code, collect references, complete a ton of paperwork including background check information and financial records, and get finger printed. There was more nitty gritty stuff. We got it done.
The hardest most heart wrenching, thought provoking part of the process, filling out the survey to determine what type of child we were able to foster and potentially adopt. Honesty and good intentions do not make you a good parent for all children. There are other things to consider; more about that tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Step Two: Choosing an Agency
As the winds of hope blew, we searched for an adoption agency to facilitate the program. There are a ton of ways to adopt and a ton of agencies who want to take your money, I mean help you with your adoption. We had decided the expense of an international or direct/baby adoption was beyond our means. We had discovered the Foster to Adopt program, more commonly known as “Special Needs” adoption, and decided this was the one for us.
I started making phone calls. Many agencies don’t actually have human beings answering their phones. The automated “menu” is often encrypted with terms a newbie to the adoption process doesn’t understand. I was going down the list, leaving messages, when unexpectedly I heard a live person’s voice. At first I didn’t respond to the friendly, “Homes of St. Mark, how can I help you?” The friendly voice came again, “Homes of St. Mark, may I help you?” I fumbled and then blurted, “I want to adopt, but I don’t know where to start.” The friendly voice then informed me of an open house and gave us an invitation to meet with live people. We accepted the invitation. Our door was open, and we were walking through.
At the open house we met with live people from the agency and live people in the same phase as us. We were shown pictures and given testimony of real children and real people becoming parents. We were informed of the processes, the expenses and given suggestions on how to get started and how to fund. We were even assigned a case worker that would hold our hand and help us through.
Our Case Worker was Our Case Worker, not the child’s. This beautiful, wonderful person talked to us, learned about us, counseled us and got us through the entire process from beginning to end. She helped us cross all our T’s and dot all our I’s for certification, she helped us get a child placed in our home, and she held our hands at the final court date that made our child legally ours. She was wonderful. She didn’t just hold our hands, she encouraged us, cried with us (well, she cried with me; my husband does not cry.) and rejoiced with us.
When everything was done, my husband and I both felt a bit of loss as we said good bye to our Case Worker. We touched base with her a few times, but we were moving on to raising our children. She was moving on to helping new families on their journey. Since then, she has left the agency to explore new ways of helping people. We have lost touch with her, but we will never forget her. We can never thank her enough for the part she played in helping us grow our family. We can never thank her enough.
I started making phone calls. Many agencies don’t actually have human beings answering their phones. The automated “menu” is often encrypted with terms a newbie to the adoption process doesn’t understand. I was going down the list, leaving messages, when unexpectedly I heard a live person’s voice. At first I didn’t respond to the friendly, “Homes of St. Mark, how can I help you?” The friendly voice came again, “Homes of St. Mark, may I help you?” I fumbled and then blurted, “I want to adopt, but I don’t know where to start.” The friendly voice then informed me of an open house and gave us an invitation to meet with live people. We accepted the invitation. Our door was open, and we were walking through.
At the open house we met with live people from the agency and live people in the same phase as us. We were shown pictures and given testimony of real children and real people becoming parents. We were informed of the processes, the expenses and given suggestions on how to get started and how to fund. We were even assigned a case worker that would hold our hand and help us through.
Our Case Worker was Our Case Worker, not the child’s. This beautiful, wonderful person talked to us, learned about us, counseled us and got us through the entire process from beginning to end. She helped us cross all our T’s and dot all our I’s for certification, she helped us get a child placed in our home, and she held our hands at the final court date that made our child legally ours. She was wonderful. She didn’t just hold our hands, she encouraged us, cried with us (well, she cried with me; my husband does not cry.) and rejoiced with us.
When everything was done, my husband and I both felt a bit of loss as we said good bye to our Case Worker. We touched base with her a few times, but we were moving on to raising our children. She was moving on to helping new families on their journey. Since then, she has left the agency to explore new ways of helping people. We have lost touch with her, but we will never forget her. We can never thank her enough for the part she played in helping us grow our family. We can never thank her enough.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Step One: Choosing a Process (part two)
Yesterday, as we started a recount of the adoption process as we experienced it with our son, we saw several doors shut. When doors close, it is time to open a window.
As I contemplated what makes a family, beat myself up for not being satisfied with one beautiful bouncing baby boy, mourned the loss of a child that would never be born, cried over the expense of fertility treatments and adoption, fumed over the injustice of placing a price tag on a child’s life, my life went on.
I had just about reconciled all my emotions when I accidentally discovered Special Needs adoption. I was at McDonald’s watching my beautiful baby boy play on the inside playground when a woman with three beautiful girls came in. She noticed I was staring and was all too happy to tell me how her family grew. She told me about Special Needs adoption. She told me that the State would pay me to care for a child until the adoption was finalized and depending on our situation, the State may even pay for all our legal expenses and provide other benefits for the child. We have a winner! Special Needs, also known as foster to adopt, adoption was the one for us.
About Special Needs Adoption, in the State of Texas the primary goal of Child Protective Services is reunification. Of course, there is the reality that reunification is not always possible. To assure children are cared for during the process of determining whether or not reunification is possible, children at risk are put into foster care. As soon as a child is put into protective custody a number of assessments are made including legal risk and level of special needs. Legal risk is the likelihood that the child will be returned to their family. A low level, the child will most likely not go back to their parents/guardians. A high level, the child will go back to their parents/guardians. Special needs define the level of care a child will need from just food, shelter and clothing to round the clock medical care.
Foster Care Parents choose what level of legal risk and special needs they are able to care for. Since we already had a small child and limited financial means, we stayed low on both legal risk and special needs. Our journey had begun. The open window had allowed a wind of hope to blow open a door. All we needed now was an agency.
As I contemplated what makes a family, beat myself up for not being satisfied with one beautiful bouncing baby boy, mourned the loss of a child that would never be born, cried over the expense of fertility treatments and adoption, fumed over the injustice of placing a price tag on a child’s life, my life went on.
I had just about reconciled all my emotions when I accidentally discovered Special Needs adoption. I was at McDonald’s watching my beautiful baby boy play on the inside playground when a woman with three beautiful girls came in. She noticed I was staring and was all too happy to tell me how her family grew. She told me about Special Needs adoption. She told me that the State would pay me to care for a child until the adoption was finalized and depending on our situation, the State may even pay for all our legal expenses and provide other benefits for the child. We have a winner! Special Needs, also known as foster to adopt, adoption was the one for us.
About Special Needs Adoption, in the State of Texas the primary goal of Child Protective Services is reunification. Of course, there is the reality that reunification is not always possible. To assure children are cared for during the process of determining whether or not reunification is possible, children at risk are put into foster care. As soon as a child is put into protective custody a number of assessments are made including legal risk and level of special needs. Legal risk is the likelihood that the child will be returned to their family. A low level, the child will most likely not go back to their parents/guardians. A high level, the child will go back to their parents/guardians. Special needs define the level of care a child will need from just food, shelter and clothing to round the clock medical care.
Foster Care Parents choose what level of legal risk and special needs they are able to care for. Since we already had a small child and limited financial means, we stayed low on both legal risk and special needs. Our journey had begun. The open window had allowed a wind of hope to blow open a door. All we needed now was an agency.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Step One: Choosing a Process (part one)
In an earlier post on Oct. 14, 2008, called “Family by Choice” I talked about why we decided to adopt and briefly about the adoption. In honor of Adoption Month, we continue down a more detailed description of our journey to adopt.
Infertility is such a weird word. I had given birth to a son, so I was not infertile. My husband was the father of our son, so he wasn’t infertile. It was that crummy episode with cancer that the doctors had to take away my husband’s ability to father children. So now my husband is called infertile. What a weird word! If you split it up it is “in” “fertile” which should mean to be in, a part of, in the “in” crowd and fertility, able to reproduce. But it does not.
We did do the Fertility treatments. Since it was a surgical procedure that robbed us, we were given time for my husband to “bank.” Fertility treatments are not cheap or easy. I did the shots and discovered I had a mild allergy to the injections. The doctor did not think the welts on my leg were an issue. After a few failed attempts we had a consultation to discuss invetro fertilization. We were advised that it would be $10K per procedure and not to expect to get pregnant the first time. The odds of pregnancy were only 20%, and it took generally took two procedures for the body to adapt and be receptive. Well, that closed that door.
We did our research on domestic and international adoption. The expenses were high to say the least. We estimated between $10,000 - $20, 0000 plus. Many agencies said you could claim 100% of your expenses for a tax rebate up to $10,000 (actually, I don’t remember the exact numbers). The problem for us was coming up with the money in the first place. That closed that door.
When doors close, it is time to open a window. Tomorrow, the view through the window.
Infertility is such a weird word. I had given birth to a son, so I was not infertile. My husband was the father of our son, so he wasn’t infertile. It was that crummy episode with cancer that the doctors had to take away my husband’s ability to father children. So now my husband is called infertile. What a weird word! If you split it up it is “in” “fertile” which should mean to be in, a part of, in the “in” crowd and fertility, able to reproduce. But it does not.
We did do the Fertility treatments. Since it was a surgical procedure that robbed us, we were given time for my husband to “bank.” Fertility treatments are not cheap or easy. I did the shots and discovered I had a mild allergy to the injections. The doctor did not think the welts on my leg were an issue. After a few failed attempts we had a consultation to discuss invetro fertilization. We were advised that it would be $10K per procedure and not to expect to get pregnant the first time. The odds of pregnancy were only 20%, and it took generally took two procedures for the body to adapt and be receptive. Well, that closed that door.
We did our research on domestic and international adoption. The expenses were high to say the least. We estimated between $10,000 - $20, 0000 plus. Many agencies said you could claim 100% of your expenses for a tax rebate up to $10,000 (actually, I don’t remember the exact numbers). The problem for us was coming up with the money in the first place. That closed that door.
When doors close, it is time to open a window. Tomorrow, the view through the window.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Adoption Month, Foster Stats
I am a strong believer in adoption. I have an adopted son, and since deciding to adopt, we have had friends, family and acquaintances tell us their adoption story. It is amazing how many people have been touched by this process, but the tragic side is the number of children who are not touched by adoption, who are left in foster care until they age out.
In doing some research I came across the Child Welfare Information Gateway, http://www.childwelfare.gov/index.cfm , a product of the US Dept. of Health and Human Services. They have lots of interesting information on their website and quite a bit to promote National Adoption Month.
Statistics always bring things home to me. I was staggered to read the “Report to Congress…Children in Foster Care: A Focus on Older Children.” In 2003 - 523,000 children were in Foster Care and 58% were age 9 and older. In Texas this age group would be called, “Hard to Place,’ and the report went on to support that title. Potential parents state their biggest concern in adopting a child 9 or older was of mental and physical disabilities. The stats said only 27% of children in Foster Care were diagnosed disabled. That means 73% are NOT disabled.
If you have considered adoption, but don’t want to do 2:00am feedings, teething and potty training, adopting an older child just might be the right fit for you and some beautiful child. AdoptUsKids, http://www.adoptuskids.org/ , is a great website with pictures of children waiting.
Sometimes a kid just needs a chance. Sometimes you are that chance.
In doing some research I came across the Child Welfare Information Gateway, http://www.childwelfare.gov/index.cfm , a product of the US Dept. of Health and Human Services. They have lots of interesting information on their website and quite a bit to promote National Adoption Month.
Statistics always bring things home to me. I was staggered to read the “Report to Congress…Children in Foster Care: A Focus on Older Children.” In 2003 - 523,000 children were in Foster Care and 58% were age 9 and older. In Texas this age group would be called, “Hard to Place,’ and the report went on to support that title. Potential parents state their biggest concern in adopting a child 9 or older was of mental and physical disabilities. The stats said only 27% of children in Foster Care were diagnosed disabled. That means 73% are NOT disabled.
If you have considered adoption, but don’t want to do 2:00am feedings, teething and potty training, adopting an older child just might be the right fit for you and some beautiful child. AdoptUsKids, http://www.adoptuskids.org/ , is a great website with pictures of children waiting.
Sometimes a kid just needs a chance. Sometimes you are that chance.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Houston Area Adoption Agencies
In my research to compile a list of agencies I came across TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/default.asp at which is hosted by DFPS (Texas Department of Family and Protective Services). They have a more comprehensive list with more information about the agencies. Worth a look at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/default.asp
Something to think about, even though you are the only parent your adopted child knows, it is very normal for an adopted child to want to learn about where they came from and why they were put up for adoption. The DFPS reports as of Oct. 2008, “In Texas, about 180 licensed child-placing agencies are currently in operation. Many of these agencies provide foster-care services and rarely place children for adoption. Of these 180 agencies, we estimate that only about 80 agencies actually place children for adoption. Of these 80 agencies, only 28 actively operate a voluntary adoption registry as mandated by Texas Family Code, Chapter 162, Subchapter E.” You can see them at http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/vs/reqproc/volreg.shtm .
Homes of St. Mark, http://www.homesofstmark.org/
We used this agency. When we were doing our research, this was the only agency that I actually got to talk to a person. I left a message and a person actually called me back. All our Case Workers have moved on to other things so I cannot give references for the staff.
Other Agencies, I have not done research or credibility checks on these agencies. You can check their history of inspections and reports on the DFPS website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/child_care/search_texas_child_care/ppFacilitySearchResidential.asp . This is just a list to help you get started in the search for an agency to help you.…
- AdopTexas, http://www.adoptexas.com/index-2.html
- Adoption.com, http://www.adoption.com/ , this site is a little confusing. On the “About” page they have an address in Arizona, but on the “Home” page they have information about Texas adoption and Texas law. I don’t think it is an agency, but they do have a lot of information about adoption that is helpful.
- Alternatives in Motion, http://www.aimadoptions.org/index.html
- American Adoption, http://www.americanadoption.com/ – they claim to do adoptions in Houston, Texas but their main office is in Kansas and as far as I could tell on their website, they don’t even have an office in Texas. They did have some interesting links about Texas Law on Adoption. http://texas.adoption.americanadoptions.com/?PHPSESSID=c1a9e8c0d134d4f7b4f6811b4ec8effe
- Caring Adoptions, http://www.caringadoptions.org/Index.asp
- Catholic Charities (Galveston-Houston Area), http://www.catholiccharities.org/ - they have other Catholic Charity Agencies across Texas
- Depelchin, http://www.depelchin.org/ - We didn’t use this agency, but we have been to their facilities for trainings. They have great training facilities and offer a number of services to help you before, during and after the adoption.
- LDS Family Services (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), http://www.ldsfamilyservices.org/ – they have locations across the country and in Canada
- New Life Pregnancy Center, http://www.newlifehelp.org/
- Spaulding for Children, http://www.spauldingforchildren.org/?id=1 , another big Houston agency that is well respected.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
November, National Adoption Month
I believe adoption is a very good tool in helping children find safe and loving homes, in helping parents build the family they dream of and in creating a society with proof that love crosses boundaries. November is National Adoption Month. I recommend adoption. I have adopted a son.
There is a lot of good information out there about aboption. TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) is kicking off a new campaign called, "Why not me?" For more information, visit their website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Why_Not_Me/default.asp
There is a lot of good information out there about aboption. TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) is kicking off a new campaign called, "Why not me?" For more information, visit their website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Why_Not_Me/default.asp
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Equality in Love
“Do you recommend transracial adoption?” of course, I do. I adore both my sons. I do not see one as biological and one as adopted. They are both mine. I do not see one as Caucasian and one as African American. They both need food, clothing, shelter and love.
I refer to them as biological, Caucasian and adopted, African American only as a reference and credibility tool to allow readers to understand my point of view. I never call my sons at home the biological one or the adopted one. I never adapt the house rules, privileges and punishments based on their color or their birth story. My babies are my babies, and the differences you may see in how I interact with them is not because on race or blood line, but because my sons are five (5) years apart in age.
The only time I have truly noticed a difference between my Caucasian child and my African American child is in caring for their skin and hair. One has sensitive skin and needs special soaps and detergents. One’s skin burns easily but the other son’s skin scars easily. One has really thick and curly hair and needs special conditioners. The other’s hair is curly and wild and must be kept short to look neat.
Well, if I really think about it diet and desserts are different too. One is a meat eater and the other is leaning towards being a vegetarian. One loves ice cream and the other cake. Well, if I really think about it, I can think of a lot of things that are different between the two, but not based on color or blood, but based on the fact they are two different people with different tastes and interests.
Honestly, from those descriptions do you know which is for which child? You can absolutely love all your children in your transracial family. The issues and concerns you have will be the same ones every Mom or Dad has caring for their children. When you have siblings (transracial or not), you will have the same challenges as anyone else who has two children with two different personalities.
Transracial love is parental love. Regardless of color or blood line, you will love, laugh and cry with and for your children.
I refer to them as biological, Caucasian and adopted, African American only as a reference and credibility tool to allow readers to understand my point of view. I never call my sons at home the biological one or the adopted one. I never adapt the house rules, privileges and punishments based on their color or their birth story. My babies are my babies, and the differences you may see in how I interact with them is not because on race or blood line, but because my sons are five (5) years apart in age.
The only time I have truly noticed a difference between my Caucasian child and my African American child is in caring for their skin and hair. One has sensitive skin and needs special soaps and detergents. One’s skin burns easily but the other son’s skin scars easily. One has really thick and curly hair and needs special conditioners. The other’s hair is curly and wild and must be kept short to look neat.
Well, if I really think about it diet and desserts are different too. One is a meat eater and the other is leaning towards being a vegetarian. One loves ice cream and the other cake. Well, if I really think about it, I can think of a lot of things that are different between the two, but not based on color or blood, but based on the fact they are two different people with different tastes and interests.
Honestly, from those descriptions do you know which is for which child? You can absolutely love all your children in your transracial family. The issues and concerns you have will be the same ones every Mom or Dad has caring for their children. When you have siblings (transracial or not), you will have the same challenges as anyone else who has two children with two different personalities.
Transracial love is parental love. Regardless of color or blood line, you will love, laugh and cry with and for your children.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Adoption Resources
Adoption, the word invokes so much emotion: joy and tears, love and fear. Adoption, the word holds so much meaning for children, for parents and for the extended family and friends. Adoption is such a simple word for such a complex concept and process.
As an adoptive parent, I highly recommend adoption, but I do not recommend fostering or adopting on a whim or as an act to fulfill some Christian or civic duty. Fostering can be a very long term commitment and adoption is for life. I have a biological child, and I have an adopted child. I can safely say, "You will love both just as if they were both flesh of your flesh." But you will face many challenges, so be committed and work on growing some thick skin.
Off the soap box and away from sentiments, adoption is a simple word for a complex process. There are several types of adoption: private, agency, foster to adopt, domestic and international.
For whatever reason you have for deciding to adopt, once you have made the decision, you will need to evaluate your financial and emotional resources. You will need a support network as you go through this process. The money part of adoption disgusts me and infuriates me, but I don't have an alternative solution. There are a lot of people involved in adoption and somehow everybody needs some compensation for their skill and time and moneys need to be made available to care for your adopted child and children still waiting adoption.
You have decided to adopt and you have decided on the type of adoption that best fits you. Here are some resources to get the ball rolling:
As an adoptive parent, I highly recommend adoption, but I do not recommend fostering or adopting on a whim or as an act to fulfill some Christian or civic duty. Fostering can be a very long term commitment and adoption is for life. I have a biological child, and I have an adopted child. I can safely say, "You will love both just as if they were both flesh of your flesh." But you will face many challenges, so be committed and work on growing some thick skin.
Off the soap box and away from sentiments, adoption is a simple word for a complex process. There are several types of adoption: private, agency, foster to adopt, domestic and international.
For whatever reason you have for deciding to adopt, once you have made the decision, you will need to evaluate your financial and emotional resources. You will need a support network as you go through this process. The money part of adoption disgusts me and infuriates me, but I don't have an alternative solution. There are a lot of people involved in adoption and somehow everybody needs some compensation for their skill and time and moneys need to be made available to care for your adopted child and children still waiting adoption.
So first things first,
- Private adoption is a direct adoption between a biological parent and a adoptive parent. Most of the time these adoptions are between family and friends. A biological parent has died or suffered some extreme trauma and the child is placed with family or a very dear friend.
- Agency adoption is the utilization of an agency to facilitate placement of a child and finalization which is legally binding the child to the adoptive parent(s). Agencies offer a number of adoptive programs including Private and "Foster to Adopt".
- Foster to Adopt can be accomplished working directly with the State (I don't recommend it. An agency can really help you traverse the legal swells of paper and training and yadda yadda yadda.) Foster to Adopt is just what it sounds like: fostering a child until they are available for adoption and then adopting them. If you have limited resources, this is a great option. As a certified Foster family, you will receive compensation from the State monthly to help pay for the child's food, clothes and other care needs. You won't get rich this way, so don't do it for the money, but if you want to adopt and cannot afford the $15,000 plus dollars private and international adoptions can cost, this is a great option.
- Domestic Adoption is a child born within your own country. They could be in your own home town or from another town or from another state. If you cross State lines to adopt a child, you will need to consult adoption procedures in both states.
- International Adoption is an adoption of a child from another country. This can be a very pricey, but very rewarding and exciting adoption. When planning your expenses, you will need to evaluate the agency costs, travel costs, foreign country fees for adoption and legal fees to finalize the adoption within the United States. There are too many different rules and regulations to say what you will face. Each country has their own rules for how old a child has to be to be available for adoption or how long you must be in the country for "culture" training and legal processes.
You have decided to adopt and you have decided on the type of adoption that best fits you. Here are some resources to get the ball rolling:
- Favorite Site: Shaohannah’s Hope. In addition to great information about adoption that is easy to read and easy to find, they also offer financial advice. http://members.shaohannahshope.org/site/PageServer
- http://www.adoption.com/ - Adoption in Texas
- http://www.adoptation.org/ - Adoption in Houston, Texas
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