Family by Choice

My husband and I had been married 3 years when we welcomed our first bundle of joy into our family. We could not have been more proud or happy with our 11 pound, 12 ounce, baby boy. The road to this point had a few bumps and turns. Two doctors had told me that I probably could not have children. One doctor said, "Let's try first and then we will look at options." I liked that. A year and some later of "trying" and the doctor beginning to discuss alternatives said, "Ooops, you are pregnant." What joy and exhilaration!

Six months after the birth of our pride and joy, my husband was diagnosed with an advanced and aggressive cancer. Our faith gave us the peace that goes beyond any understanding. I knew my husband was going to be ok, but when the doctor told us that after the surgery my husband was no longer going to be able to have children, you could have knocked me over with a feather.
The question became, "what makes a family?' We knew single people who were perfectly happy living alone with no children. We knew couples who were perfectly happy with one precious child. We knew families who were perfectly happy with two, four and six kids sharing laughs and hugs. We were perfectly happy with our one beautiful boy, but still there seemed to be something missing. After my husband completed all his surgeries and treatments, we really talked a lot about our family and made a choice. We wanted more children.

We tried fertility treatments. This is not something done lightly. It is a commitment to schedules and medications. Giving myself shots was hard. The disappointment each time a treatment did not end in a pregnancy was hard. When we had a consultation and looked hard at the expense and the odds, it was devastating. I couldn't justify the expense for the small odds. I began to mourn. I mourned the loss of a child that would never be born.

Family by choice became a critical mantra to keep me sane, to keep my marriage together and to keep me from smothering our one son. More than one friend said, "You can have kids. Leave your husband and start over." There are no guarantees in life and oh my gosh, how shallow is my marriage if I can leave him like this. No, I loved my husband and his ability or inability to have children had nothing to do with it. If he can't have children, then neither can I.

Family by choice kept my spirits up as I decided to research adoption. The expense of adoption truly turned me off. My husband and I had decided that a child was a child no matter his or her color and looked at domestic and international adoptions. I was absolutely offended when one agency told me if I wanted a white/Caucasian child it would cost $15,000 plus, but if I wanted a discount, I should consider a black/African American child. They could get me an African American child for less than $10,000. Brokering children, putting value on a child based on their color was disgusting. I wanted to take as many African American children I could, except one I didn't have that kind of money and two I didn't want that agency to get any of my money.

My heart ached but I decided it was time to accept that we were to have only one child. As I sat at McDonald's watching my toddler play, I also noticed a Mom with three small children joyfully struggling to get all her wiggle worms fed. When her crew was freed to go play, she turned and asked me if I liked her children. I was apologetic. I didn't mean to stare. She then went into how she adopted one and then another. She told me how the State would pay you to "Foster to Adopt."

Foster to Adopt is the quintessential example of Family by Choice. We got registered, certified and brought our home up to code to Foster to Adopt. Through the assistance of an adoption agency, we were presented to the State as a good Foster home for a child most likely to be available for adoption in the near future. After 6 months to get certified, after another 6 months of waiting, we got a call and were given one hour to decide to go to the hospital regarding a new born. We were told we needed to go down there for an interview. We had been through this before. The state interviews several families to determine the best fit for a child. When I walked into the hospital and the nurse said, "You must be the Mom. Do you want to hold your baby?" I burst into tears. He was so small, so perfect.

We did have an interview but it was quite different from what we expected. Basically, we got the horror story. The tragedy the mother had endured. The tragedy the father was in. The tragedy this child had survived. There were health issues and concern that the child would not come up for adoption. We made a choice. We took that child home. Six months later he was available for adoption. Another eight months later we had a court date to finalize the adoption.

We are officially called a "transracial" family. Mom and Dad are Caucasian. Big brother is a biological child and Caucasian. Little brother is adopted and African American. All together, we are a family by choice. We love, laugh and cry just like any other family. We just do it by choice.