Happy New Year

The year of ’08 is done
We are sad to say good bye to all the fun
We look forward to the year of ‘09
Can’t wait to see what fun we will have this time.

Best wishes to you and yours
For you, we pray blessings and good health pours
With joy and not tears
We wish you a Happy New Year!

Ode to My Blog

I had resisted starting a blog for a number of reasons: becoming public gives you very little room to hide, becoming public opens you up to public criticism, and becoming public reveals not only your strengths but magnifies your weaknesses. Since going public, I have discovered a sense of confidence and personal satisfaction that I had not counted on.

I love blogging. I have missed blogging. The attack on our computer,the loss of our external hard drive have been extremely difficult for me. So I am glad to say, I am back. Whether this blog ever gets read or not, I am going to persist.

I love blogging. I love research and I love writing so putting the two together is kind of fun. With blogging I have an outlet.

I love blogging. I am a wife to one strong man and mom to two adorable boys. As the only woman in a house of boys, I many times feel nobody is listening to me. Whether the blog is read or not, somehow by writing/typing it down, I feel like someone is listening.

I love blogging. I have been a home mom for three years. I do miss the daily dish you have with co-workers around the water cooler/coffee pot. A blog gives me a chance to put my two cents into the pool.

Our computer has been revived, so I am back. My kids are home for the winter break so for a little longer the posts will be random, but I have great hope for the future.

Thanks for dropping by. Read ya' Later.

Step Seven: Biology Matters

We had a 10 day old baby boy placed in our home. He was labeled low legal risk and low special needs. Even so, the first goal of the State of Texas is to reunify the child with their biological family. Case Workers are required to do due diligence in searching for biological family. Both the biological mother and father expressed a desire to reclaim their child. Older biological siblings were found that were of an age to take custody. As far as we know, there was no extended family found other than the siblings.

So biology matters, it really matters when you take your child to the emergency room in the middle of the night. There is nothing more miserable than an infant with an uncontrollable fever. My personal fear is that my child will stop breathing, and our foster child gave us plenty of wheezing and scares to feed my fear. We went to the emergency room several times.

When you go to the emergency room, one of the first things they ask is family medical history. Other than the birth record, we know nothing about the family medical history. With the due diligence in locating the biological family, inquiries were made, but the biological family chose not to disclose. As a foster/adoptive parent you have nothing to help motivate the family to disclose. We tried to get a judge to require disclosure, but the best the judge could do was recommend disclosure. Thankfully, by the age of four our son had pretty much out grown the wheezing and the fevers.

So what are the biological family rights? Well, they apparently have the right to withhold family medical history. They also have at least a year to demonstrate efforts to reclaim their child. Since reunification is the ultimate goal, the State will develop a plan for the biological parents/family to fulfill. The plan includes classes and demonstration of financial responsibility as in maintaining a place to live and keeping a job. Plans vary from case to case. To keep a child in foster care and unavailable for adoption, the biological family only has to demonstrate a desire for reunification. They are never required to complete the plan. If they attend a class here and there, appear for a court date or two, they can drag the foster plan out until the child ages out at 18 years old.

In our case, both biological parents started their plans which brings us to the next step in the foster to adopt process, the hold your breath phase.

Step Six: Placement

Placement is such a joyous time. The excitement of the placement of an adopted child is just as exciting as the birth of a new baby, but unfortunately, this joy has some strings attached. We had a 10 day old baby boy placed in our home. He was labeled low legal risk and low special needs. Even so, the first goal of the State of Texas is to reunify the child with their biological family. We had placement. We had joy. We held our breath.

Once you have placement you then start the paper work, the interviews and the court dates. Every thing a placed child does in your home has to be documented. There are forms for taking him to the doctor. There are forms to chart every bit of medicine including saline solution and baby aspirin. There are forms to fill out if you want to travel and stay overnight somewhere other than your home (weekend trips, vacations,…). There are forms to fill out if you want to leave your child with a babysitter or family member. You don’t just fill the forms out, you have to submit them and some require prior approval before you can go forward (trips and babysitters). If you intend to take the child out of state for a vacation, not only does it need to be submitted and approved, it has to go before a court judge.

I don’t understand the reports of children that are neglected in foster care. Every quarter we had a packet we had to fill out regarding the development of the baby. We submitted, and it was reviewed. We had people calling us when they saw in the packet that the baby was not doing whatever it was supposed to be doing (rolling over, feeding itself…). We had people in our home doing evaluations and tests with the baby to check his development. The child’s State assigned Case Worker was required to visit the child at least once a month to physically evaluate the child’s home environment, health and safety of the child, and evaluate the foster parents. Granted our Case Worker would get overloaded. Sometime we just had a quick phone interview of us, but the case worker did go to the baby’s day care for a physical evaluation of the health of the baby. In addition to forms and Case Worker interviews, there were quarterly court dates. Quarterly a judge reviewed all the paper work and had the Case Worker say under oath that they had physically seen the child and the child was in good care. The judge also looked at reunification and what the biological family was doing, but that is a story for another time.

We filled out forms, made ourselves, our home, our family available for interviews and evaluations, and we appeared in court. We documented. IMPORTANT TIP: don’t just document by filling out forms, TAKE PICTURES. Take lots of pictures and submit them. The judge will look at the pictures. The lawyers will look at the pictures. If the biological family is involved, they will look at the pictures. Pictures demonstrate a snap shot of health and happiness. As a foster parent, as a potential adoptive parent, you want to demonstrate that you will provide a healthy environment and happy, loving environment.

Placement is just one of many steps on this journey. Keep holding your breath, next biology matters.

Step Five: Picking You

We were certified, we were networking and now we were being considered as a family to foster a child until they were available for adoption.

We said, “Yes,” to a number of children’s profiles. We were short listed and taken to a few “Four Ways” (see Step Four: Pick ME! For more information about “Four Ways.”). Eventually, we were selected as a home for a waiting child, well, in this case children. We were so excited. In the formal process, once you are selected, there is a number of meet and greets you have with the child or children. The first time you meet the child, you do not take them with you. This is just an introduction. The next time you meet the child, you get to take them with you but not overnight. You can take them out to dinner or to the park, but you do not take them home. Next, you take them home, but only for a night or two. Each step the Case Workers, you and the child are evaluating compatibility. If all goes well, the next step is to move the child into your home. This is a best case scenario and in the real world, not always possible.

We had been selected to take two boys of Hispanic decent. They were in foster care, but there was some urgency to have them placed in a home. We were supposed to skip all the meet and greets and just move them in. The week they were supposed to move in, we were notified that they were no longer available for placement. A family member had stepped up and was taking custody. It was a little fishy to us that we were skipping the meet and greets, but the move date had been postponed two weeks. Were they really available for placement or were we being used to motivate somebody? There was no way to know, so we tried to recover from this disappointment by dreaming that they were happy and safe.

Time passed and discouragement set in. We still received calls, but it broke my heart every time we were not selected. We always asked why we were not selected. The Case Worker didn’t like answering that question, but she was more inclined to discuss the family that was selected. I noticed in our conversations that in the family that was selected, the Mom did not work. I was a working Mom. My heart sank.

Then the call came. We still don’t know why they didn’t call me, but called my husband. I am glad that they did. With all the disappointment and my sinking heart, if I had heard the profile, I probably would have said, “no.” My husband was called and told we had an hour to decide if we wanted to be submitted. If we wanted to be submitted, we would need to go to the hospital right away for an interview. The excitement in my husband’s voice was amazing. I ditched my job, grabbed our other son and we took off for the hospital.

We expected to meet more Case Workers and other families and agencies. It was quiet and lonely in the waiting room. Thankfully, we had our five year old son with us to keep us busy. When we were taken back into the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, the nurse looked at me and said, “you must be the mom. Would you like to hold your child?” What could I do? I cried, my heart was in my throat. I held that child. I had to sit down. I was shaking. My husband just smiled at us. Our other son was far more interested in all the cool gadgets in the room and was not terribly interested in the baby. I pulled a little bitty hand out from under the blanket and then looked at all his precious toes. The baby never cried. He slept comfortably in my arms and was not concerned a bit of this strange person touching his fingers and toes. He was beautiful. He was perfect.

We placed the baby back in his crib and then were escorted to another room to talk with the Case Workers and Nurse. We thought it would be an interview to see if we were a good fit for the child. It did not take long to figure out that we were the only family for this child. We listened to the Case Worker tell us about the tragedy the mother had been through, the tragedy the father was in and the tragedy the baby had survived. We listened to the Nurse tell us about the complications with the birth, the limited medial history, the potential for long term effects. The baby was ten days old and had already been through so much. We listened to short term care and long term care. My husband and I had to take a time out. We had to step back from the emotion of the moment and discuss what it all meant. We both decided it meant we needed to take that child home.

Placement was here, but was it permanent? This was a question not easily answered.

Step Four: Pick ME!

Finally, we were certified to foster. Our home was ready to greet a new child. What is next? Next is a very frustrating game that requires skills in networking and marketing.

At any given time in the City of Houston alone there are more than a 1,000 children available for adoption. You would think with such a high number, having a child placed in your home would be quick. It is not. Depending on how restricted you are in what type of child you will receive, you could wait 6 months or up to 5 years. Five years being for those who will only accept infant, Caucasian, girls. If you are willing to accept boys and/or girls, your wait is shorter. If you are willing to receive children of other races, the wait is shorter. If you are willing to accept sibling groups (2 or more brothers and/or sisters), your wait could be even shorter.

We were open to a boy or girl of any race and sibling groups of up to three. We were restricted on the number in the sibling group because of the size of our house. To foster in the State of Texas, there is a number of square feet of living space that you have to have per person in the household. Our house was certified for four children and we already had one, so a sibling group of 2 or three was it for us. We didn’t get a sibling group, so really a mute question.

In the State of Texas there are a lot of good intentions developed into the foster program. The first goal is to reunify children with their parents, guardians or at least someone of significance already in the child’s life. When that is not possible, the child is placed in foster care. There are a lot of agencies that work with the State to help place children in loving homes. When a child needs placement, a call goes out to all the agencies and State Case Workers with a brief profile of the child and the situation. The agencies then go through their waiting families and try to select the family best suited for that child. They call the family and give them the brief profile and a choice to be submitted. If the family agrees, their application is submitted to the State. Of all the families of all the agencies, the State tries to select the best (I think it is three) three families each from a different agency. This is the short list and a meeting will be held called a “Four Way” where each agency will give their case to the State why their family is the best family for this child. The State then awards placement. This, of course, is the best case scenario and not always possible.

A suggestion our agency made to help promote our family was to create a Family Life Book. Our Case Worker then would submit our Family Book along with our application to help the State decided to select us. In our book, we dedicated one page per family member plus a page about the family pet, a page about the community and a page about our church. I like graphic design and photography so I added plenty of pictures and graphic elements.

If there is any advice I can give a waiting family, it is pictures. Take lots of pictures, happy pictures in good lighting. If you have kids and want more kids, take pictures of your kids. If you don’t have kids but have a pet, take lots of pictures of your pet. If you don’t have kids or a pet, take pictures of your extended family. If you are alone in this world, take pictures of you at places you would like to take your future child too. Nothing makes you more real than you. Take a picture of you. Giving the State a real person through a photo helps them see that you are the real deal and ready for placement.

So we are waiting for placement, waiting for a child to be placed in our home. We were not getting any calls. We eventually discovered that many children are in an emergency placement situation, and there is not enough time to go through a formal process to select a family. We knew we were one of many families waiting so to help keep our name at the top of the call list, we decided to call every week. We also discovered that the State had open houses where agencies and State Case Workers come together to discuss new policies and procedures and children already in foster care in need of more permanent placement. The State’s objective is to keep each child on the front of everybody’s mind so nobody gets lost or left out. The agencies are able to review case studies and profiles. Since families come and go through the process, this meet and greet is a good opportunity to be reminded of an old case that is perfect for a new family.

Even though we are not an agency, my husband and I went to a few of these meetings. It was a good networking opportunity. We met many State representatives in Child Protective Services. Our theory was not just to look good on paper, but to look good in person. We hoped to not be just a name on a piece of paper, but when a child came up and our family was submitted, we hoped we had met that Case Worker and that they said, “Oh, I met this family. Let’s call them in.” There is no way for us to tell, but our phone began to ring.

Step Four: Prepare your Heart

Our journey to get certified to foster led us down a path we did not expect. The hardest most, heart wrenching, thought provoking part of the process was filling out the survey to determine what type of child we were able to foster and potentially adopt. Honesty and good intentions do not make you a good parent for all children. There are other things to consider.

While we were taking our certification classes, we had a packet of forms to fill out. In these forms there was a very long survey that really helped my husband and I talk about how extreme a special need we thought we could handle. When we thought of Special Needs, we thought of handicapped. A wheelchair or walker, no problem for us; we thought physical handicaps are no problem. We could learn sign language or adapt to the needs of the blind. The survey got detailed and asked questions that we had not thought about regarding feeding tubes and breathing machines and medications. We had to talk a lot.

Our hearts said we could care for any child with any need, but our minds made us do a reality check. Some of these medical needs would not be short term. Some of these needs would place this child in our home for life. A lifetime commitment was what we were making, but a lifetime caring for a child that would never be independent that would physically live with us for our entire life made us think. We wouldn’t just be making this commitment for ourselves. We would be making this commitment for the son we already had. Who would care for the child that grew into an adult when we were gone? Aside from all the doctors, the time, the money; we had to think about our extended family.

As we thought about our extended family, we thought about the impact of a mentally challenged child. Our first thoughts were of Down syndrome and cases like that. We knew families affected by Down syndrome, and they loved their kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world. We could handle it, but could our son? Could our extended family? Then as we went through the survey, the survey broadened our minds to the possibilities of what mental challenge meant. It reached far beyond Down syndrome.

What about children of abuse and neglect? The classes told us about odd habits that seem harmless, but may be signs of a long term mental challenge such as food hording. Some children don’t have a special blanket, doll or teddy bear; and some children don’t have any attachment to any toy of any kind. Some children have attachment disorders which means they will not bond with you. Therapy can help, but it may take years, or never, before the child will hold your hand or give you a hug. I am not a real touchy-feely person, but I hug my kids a lot. It would break my heart to not be able to hug and hold my kids. Could I handle a child who was incapable of hugging? It made me think.

For us with a small child already in our home and limited financial means, we decided we were best suited for a child of low legal risk and low rate of special needs. Our check list was getting checked off. Our focus moved from certification to aesthetics. We looked at our home. We wanted to make it ready and inviting to any child placed with us. Time to move to the next step.

Step Three: Certification

Along the Adoption Journey, especially if you go through Special Needs Adoption, many doors will open and then close. When the doors close, you open a window. As long as the winds of hope blow, your journey continues.

We had made the decision to adopt. We had decided that Special Needs Adoption was the path for us. We had an agency and case worker on our side. Now we set out to jump through all the hoops to be certified and eligible to foster to adopt. First things first, easier said than done. What did we need to do first? Not an easy question to answer, but we started making lists and then just started checking things off.

Every step of the way, our eyes were opened more and more. You think because you are an adult who has lived through some stuff; you have watched the news; you have read the papers; you have seen some movies; you have read some books; you think you know what to expect. As you go through the training classes, the trainers tell you the extremes, the worst case scenarios. They try to prepare you to accept, love and care for the most needy. They try to weed out the people just in it for the pay check. They try to weed out the people doing it as their civic, moral or charitable “duty” and not realizing what the potential for a really long term commitment this is. This is not just a commitment that could last a life time. It is a commitment that impacts you, your finances, your extended family and your community. Your schools, your church, the kids at the playground are all going to interact with you and any child you bring into your home.

My husband became irritated by some of the hoops we had to jump through. Time and time again we talked about the process not being designed for people like us. We like to think of ourselves as hard working, honest, and loving with best intentions. The process was designed for the worst case scenario. We don’t know, but we certainly hoped, that the process was designed to make people with the wrong motives think twice before taking a child into their homes. Of course, it does not always work, but here is a tip. If the class comes to the question and answer period and your first and only question is “when does the State start paying me?” then you are in it for the wrong reasons.

Things we had to do: take P.R.I.D.E. classes, get home up to code, collect references, complete a ton of paperwork including background check information and financial records, and get finger printed. There was more nitty gritty stuff. We got it done.

The hardest most heart wrenching, thought provoking part of the process, filling out the survey to determine what type of child we were able to foster and potentially adopt. Honesty and good intentions do not make you a good parent for all children. There are other things to consider; more about that tomorrow.

Step Two: Choosing an Agency

As the winds of hope blew, we searched for an adoption agency to facilitate the program. There are a ton of ways to adopt and a ton of agencies who want to take your money, I mean help you with your adoption. We had decided the expense of an international or direct/baby adoption was beyond our means. We had discovered the Foster to Adopt program, more commonly known as “Special Needs” adoption, and decided this was the one for us.

I started making phone calls. Many agencies don’t actually have human beings answering their phones. The automated “menu” is often encrypted with terms a newbie to the adoption process doesn’t understand. I was going down the list, leaving messages, when unexpectedly I heard a live person’s voice. At first I didn’t respond to the friendly, “Homes of St. Mark, how can I help you?” The friendly voice came again, “Homes of St. Mark, may I help you?” I fumbled and then blurted, “I want to adopt, but I don’t know where to start.” The friendly voice then informed me of an open house and gave us an invitation to meet with live people. We accepted the invitation. Our door was open, and we were walking through.

At the open house we met with live people from the agency and live people in the same phase as us. We were shown pictures and given testimony of real children and real people becoming parents. We were informed of the processes, the expenses and given suggestions on how to get started and how to fund. We were even assigned a case worker that would hold our hand and help us through.

Our Case Worker was Our Case Worker, not the child’s. This beautiful, wonderful person talked to us, learned about us, counseled us and got us through the entire process from beginning to end. She helped us cross all our T’s and dot all our I’s for certification, she helped us get a child placed in our home, and she held our hands at the final court date that made our child legally ours. She was wonderful. She didn’t just hold our hands, she encouraged us, cried with us (well, she cried with me; my husband does not cry.) and rejoiced with us.

When everything was done, my husband and I both felt a bit of loss as we said good bye to our Case Worker. We touched base with her a few times, but we were moving on to raising our children. She was moving on to helping new families on their journey. Since then, she has left the agency to explore new ways of helping people. We have lost touch with her, but we will never forget her. We can never thank her enough for the part she played in helping us grow our family. We can never thank her enough.

Step One: Choosing a Process (part two)

Yesterday, as we started a recount of the adoption process as we experienced it with our son, we saw several doors shut. When doors close, it is time to open a window.

As I contemplated what makes a family, beat myself up for not being satisfied with one beautiful bouncing baby boy, mourned the loss of a child that would never be born, cried over the expense of fertility treatments and adoption, fumed over the injustice of placing a price tag on a child’s life, my life went on.

I had just about reconciled all my emotions when I accidentally discovered Special Needs adoption. I was at McDonald’s watching my beautiful baby boy play on the inside playground when a woman with three beautiful girls came in. She noticed I was staring and was all too happy to tell me how her family grew. She told me about Special Needs adoption. She told me that the State would pay me to care for a child until the adoption was finalized and depending on our situation, the State may even pay for all our legal expenses and provide other benefits for the child. We have a winner! Special Needs, also known as foster to adopt, adoption was the one for us.

About Special Needs Adoption, in the State of Texas the primary goal of Child Protective Services is reunification. Of course, there is the reality that reunification is not always possible. To assure children are cared for during the process of determining whether or not reunification is possible, children at risk are put into foster care. As soon as a child is put into protective custody a number of assessments are made including legal risk and level of special needs. Legal risk is the likelihood that the child will be returned to their family. A low level, the child will most likely not go back to their parents/guardians. A high level, the child will go back to their parents/guardians. Special needs define the level of care a child will need from just food, shelter and clothing to round the clock medical care.

Foster Care Parents choose what level of legal risk and special needs they are able to care for. Since we already had a small child and limited financial means, we stayed low on both legal risk and special needs. Our journey had begun. The open window had allowed a wind of hope to blow open a door. All we needed now was an agency.

Step One: Choosing a Process (part one)

In an earlier post on Oct. 14, 2008, called “Family by Choice” I talked about why we decided to adopt and briefly about the adoption. In honor of Adoption Month, we continue down a more detailed description of our journey to adopt.

Infertility is such a weird word. I had given birth to a son, so I was not infertile. My husband was the father of our son, so he wasn’t infertile. It was that crummy episode with cancer that the doctors had to take away my husband’s ability to father children. So now my husband is called infertile. What a weird word! If you split it up it is “in” “fertile” which should mean to be in, a part of, in the “in” crowd and fertility, able to reproduce. But it does not.

We did do the Fertility treatments. Since it was a surgical procedure that robbed us, we were given time for my husband to “bank.” Fertility treatments are not cheap or easy. I did the shots and discovered I had a mild allergy to the injections. The doctor did not think the welts on my leg were an issue. After a few failed attempts we had a consultation to discuss invetro fertilization. We were advised that it would be $10K per procedure and not to expect to get pregnant the first time. The odds of pregnancy were only 20%, and it took generally took two procedures for the body to adapt and be receptive. Well, that closed that door.

We did our research on domestic and international adoption. The expenses were high to say the least. We estimated between $10,000 - $20, 0000 plus. Many agencies said you could claim 100% of your expenses for a tax rebate up to $10,000 (actually, I don’t remember the exact numbers). The problem for us was coming up with the money in the first place. That closed that door.

When doors close, it is time to open a window. Tomorrow, the view through the window.

Faith, Mind or Heart

Faith, I am a professed Christian. There are those that believe once a believer, always a believer. I too believe that, BUT the road is not always easy to see. Belief is sometimes hard to believe, and I question whether or not I believe in my heart or in my mind.

In less than a month, I will be 39 years old. I tell you that only to let you know that I have had time in my life to hit a few bumps, be diverted off track and make a few u-turns. I came to Christ as a child, but as a teenager I leaped off the road and tried to make my own path. After a number of near misses and one major crash, I finally found the road of faith and jumped in the Christ-mobile. As an adult, the road is not any smoother. My car, my belief, has been tested over and over. Where is God when bad things happen to good people?

I love to sing the song by Barlow Girls, “Never Alone.” I use to cry every time the song started, “I waited for you today, but you didn’t show.” For a number of years while I have climbed some pretty difficult mountains, I have wondered where is God? Like the song, I finally decided to “hold tight to what I know. (God) is here, and I am never alone.” Since this was a mental decision, not a feeling or passion from my heart, I wondered what is faith? Is faith an unexplainable passion that moves us one way or another through our heart or is it just a mental exercise to accept the most plausible belief system?

Faith is both, both heart and mind. In my heart, I know when God speaks to me and comforts me (Isaiah 41:10). In my mind, I know God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I have studied the scriptures, listened to the scientific arguments, questioned both and made my decision both in my heart and in my mind. The Big Bang could not have happened if something/someone didn’t start it. Science can create life in a test tube but who made the materials used in that process? When you do something wrong, why do you feel guilt? God is there in your heart and in your mind. Whether you accept him or not, he accepts you.

I once knew the peace that goes beyond all understanding (Philippians 4:7), but bumps and bruises have made it difficult for me to believe. Since writing this blog and trying to create designs for my on-line store (shameless plug: http://www.zazzle.com/DesigningD* ), I have discovered my designs predominantly lean towards faith. I didn’t try to do designs of faith, but as I doodled and developed and got excited, I saw the image of the cross. My mind may be having troubles accepting my faith, but in my heart there are no questions.
Faith is both, both mind and heart. Jeremiah 29:13-14, says, “You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will be found by you,” It doesn’t say that the moment you seek me with all your heart you will instantly find God. It says seek and you will find. I am seeking and am finding just not in a big BANG. I am finding little by little and feeling the comfort, the peace and the understanding growing both in my heart and in my mind. Faith is both. Faith is heart, and faith is mind.

Day 5 of Liberation, I mean Correction

Five days ago my husband and I decided to take the gaming system away from our son. This action is intended to be motivation to correct our son’s lack of responsibility in regards to his chores. We have a mixed response. Our son actually said, “This is a good week to be grounded from video games. I have had lots of time to catch up on things.” I asked him what he has caught up on, and I got a very normal kid answer, “stuff.”

Did our punishment/correction work? Yes, our son is very a tune to his duties. We have not reminded him over and over. Our son has been asking me if it is time to take out the trash. He has been asking me of the best way to get all the dishes in the dish washer. He still has not picked-up the toys in the living room, but he has a little brother who is the primary culprit to the mess in the living room.

We are pleased with the response. As a stay at home Mom, at first I was reluctant. If the kids are not busy with their toys then they are under my feet with the constant, “Mama, mama, mama, mama.” When I give and ask, “What?” Inevitably, they say, “Nothing.” And then start again, “Mama, mama….” Sorry, off point.

We are pleased with the response but perplexed on whether or not to give the system back. I have watched my son read more, draw more, play with his brother more, and he is faster to respond when I call him. I really like this child who is talkative and imaginative. If I give him back the system, will he again retreat to his room and bury his head in the games? We will lose his smiles, his laughs, his hugs to the gaming system?

Perplexed, I want to reward him for doing his chores so well, but I don’t want to lose him.

Correction or Liberation

Teaching responsibility appears to require super hero strength and endurance. In your parent pack of powers you will need to have multiple personalities including tutor, drill sergeant, lecturer and moralizer.

We have decided our son’s vision is impaired. Though he must walk by the trash can to enter or exit the kitchen, his peripheral vision cannot detect a high level of trash. If his sensors were alarmed by the level of trash, he would then be required to pull forth his super hero strength to remove said trash and then invoke agility and skill to place a new liner in the trash can. Rewards, reminders and rebuking are not strong enough weapons to correct the impaired vision.

Since all efforts have failed, we are now resorting to elimination of privileges. Our son is a normal boy with powerful ties to his gaming system. We have decided to attack his perpetual defensive maneuvers by severing the ties to the gaming system away. Quite satisfied that the removal of his system would invoke the appropriate motivation and modified behavior, we did not take into consideration the liberation he would feel by this correction.

Granted, it has only been two days, but our son does not appear to be affected by the correction. He has taken the liberation of his attachment to the gaming system to draw from his inner imagination. He is playing. He is playing with his brother. He is playing with his non-technical toys. He is creating stories in his head. He is, dare I say it, reading. He even dusted off an old sketch pad and in addition to doodles, created a comic strip with doodles and dialogue.

I am perplexed. I want my son to learn responsibility. I want him to take ownership of his job and do it to the best of his ability, but all we have done is liberate him from a crutch we were not aware existed. Granted, it has only been two days. I suspect over time the call of the crutch will claim him, and he will attempt to recover his gaming system. But if it doesn’t, if he decides he enjoys being a member of the real and alive rather than the digital, how will we ever motivate him to take out the trash?

Adoption Month, Foster Stats

I am a strong believer in adoption. I have an adopted son, and since deciding to adopt, we have had friends, family and acquaintances tell us their adoption story. It is amazing how many people have been touched by this process, but the tragic side is the number of children who are not touched by adoption, who are left in foster care until they age out.

In doing some research I came across the Child Welfare Information Gateway, http://www.childwelfare.gov/index.cfm , a product of the US Dept. of Health and Human Services. They have lots of interesting information on their website and quite a bit to promote National Adoption Month.

Statistics always bring things home to me. I was staggered to read the “Report to Congress…Children in Foster Care: A Focus on Older Children.” In 2003 - 523,000 children were in Foster Care and 58% were age 9 and older. In Texas this age group would be called, “Hard to Place,’ and the report went on to support that title. Potential parents state their biggest concern in adopting a child 9 or older was of mental and physical disabilities. The stats said only 27% of children in Foster Care were diagnosed disabled. That means 73% are NOT disabled.

If you have considered adoption, but don’t want to do 2:00am feedings, teething and potty training, adopting an older child just might be the right fit for you and some beautiful child. AdoptUsKids, http://www.adoptuskids.org/ , is a great website with pictures of children waiting.

Sometimes a kid just needs a chance. Sometimes you are that chance.

Name, Blessing or Curse

I am standing at the bus stop with my kids and a few others. To pass the time, I ask them, “If you could be nicknamed anything, what would it be?” The three older boys popped off their nicknames quickly. The boys said, “Sparky,” “Scrappy,” and “Spike.” If you knew theses boys, you would know how well these names really fit them.

My four year old then pipes in, “Doctor!” I am not sure he understands what a nickname is, but I am thrilled he came up with “Doctor.” The bus came, Sparky, Scrappy and Spike jumped on and Doctor started his usual Good Morning Wave at every bus and car that drove by. As I smiled to myself, I began to wonder what is in a name? Is a name a blessing or a curse?

I have a dear friend who is very concerned that people have lost track of the importance of names. In the beginning, names were references to who people were and what they did. If you expected something great from your child, you named them something that meant great. You then called them by that name, blessing them every time you said it. When the child grew into an adult, all those blessings would hopefully come into fruition and as an adult, they would be great.

Of course, the reverse was thought to be true too. Cruel nicknames being hurled at a child cursed that child every time that name was cast on them. How many times have we heard of school violence and the perpetrator say they were just getting pay back for all the bulling? Did those kids inadvertently curse the child being bullied? Did the curse come true when the bullied became the bully?

I have no answer, but it certainly gives me pause. My name? My name means “Morning Star.” If you ever see me in the morning, you will see that I am anything but a star. My husband is a morning star. I guess if he keeps casting that blessing on me, someday our lights will shine at the same time and our mornings will be very bright.

Screaming Child, Crying Mom

We were at a birthday party and the birthday boy had a really cool toy that my son just loved. All was good while he was allowed to play with it, but when it came time to allow another child to play with the really cool tool, my son had a melt down of nuclear explosion proportion.

As Mom, at first I just looked at him completely dumbfounded. As every eye at the party stared at us, I regrouped and tried to comfort, redirect, and appease my screaming child. His screams only got louder, so I removed him from the party area to have a “time out.” This really made him mad. I decided I had to take him home. As I tried to leave the party, the birthday boy’s father stripped my son from my arms and took him over to the toy. I was horribly embarrassed, but I was comforted by the kind gesture. I had to fight back tears.

Those tears, why was I crying? Was I crying because I was embarrassed or disappointed? Was I crying because I felt as if I failed my son somehow? Was I crying to keep myself from being fuming mad at my child? Yes, Yes and Yes.

As an adoptive Mom, I try not to allow the fact he is adopted enter into my decisions to parent. I am the only Mom he knows, and I am trying to parent him just like I did with my biological son. But I can’t help it when all eyes look at us, I question every little decision I make. Why does it matter what they think? It matters because in this day and age, disciple is sometimes viewed as abuse. It matters because a big white woman speaking harshly or disciplining a small black child could be misconstrued.

So I am crying. I am crying, because I am a Mom. I want to act like a Mom, and I don’t want to be judged for being a Mom. Adopted or not, sometimes the child needs some disciple. He doesn’t wait until we get home to throw his screaming fit and neither should I when admonishing him.

Houston Area Adoption Agencies

In my research to compile a list of agencies I came across TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/default.asp at which is hosted by DFPS (Texas Department of Family and Protective Services). They have a more comprehensive list with more information about the agencies. Worth a look at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/default.asp

Something to think about, even though you are the only parent your adopted child knows, it is very normal for an adopted child to want to learn about where they came from and why they were put up for adoption. The DFPS reports as of Oct. 2008, “In Texas, about 180 licensed child-placing agencies are currently in operation. Many of these agencies provide foster-care services and rarely place children for adoption. Of these 180 agencies, we estimate that only about 80 agencies actually place children for adoption. Of these 80 agencies, only 28 actively operate a voluntary adoption registry as mandated by Texas Family Code, Chapter 162, Subchapter E.” You can see them at http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/vs/reqproc/volreg.shtm .

Homes of St. Mark, http://www.homesofstmark.org/
We used this agency. When we were doing our research, this was the only agency that I actually got to talk to a person. I left a message and a person actually called me back. All our Case Workers have moved on to other things so I cannot give references for the staff.

Other Agencies, I have not done research or credibility checks on these agencies. You can check their history of inspections and reports on the DFPS website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/child_care/search_texas_child_care/ppFacilitySearchResidential.asp . This is just a list to help you get started in the search for an agency to help you.…

• AdopTexas, http://www.adoptexas.com/index-2.html
• Adoption.com, http://www.adoption.com/ , this site is a little confusing. On the “About” page they have an address in Arizona, but on the “Home” page they have information about Texas adoption and Texas law. I don’t think it is an agency, but they do have a lot of information about adoption that is helpful.
• Alternatives in Motion, http://www.aimadoptions.org/index.html
• American Adoption, http://www.americanadoption.com/ – they claim to do adoptions in Houston, Texas but their main office is in Kansas and as far as I could tell on their website, they don’t even have an office in Texas. They did have some interesting links about Texas Law on Adoption. http://texas.adoption.americanadoptions.com/?PHPSESSID=c1a9e8c0d134d4f7b4f6811b4ec8effe
• Caring Adoptions, http://www.caringadoptions.org/Index.asp
• Catholic Charities (Galveston-Houston Area), http://www.catholiccharities.org/ - they have other Catholic Charity Agencies across Texas
• Depelchin, http://www.depelchin.org/ - We didn’t use this agency, but we have been to their facilities for trainings. They have great training facilities and offer a number of services to help you before, during and after the adoption.
• LDS Family Services (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), http://www.ldsfamilyservices.org/ – they have locations across the country and in Canada
• New Life Pregnancy Center, http://www.newlifehelp.org/
• Spaulding for Children, http://www.spauldingforchildren.org/?id=1 , another big Houston agency that is well respected.

November, National Adoption Month

I believe adoption is a very good tool in helping children find safe and loving homes, in helping parents build the family they dream of and in creating a society with proof that love crosses boundaries. November is National Adoption Month. I recommend adoption. I have adopted a son.

There is a lot of good information out there about aboption. TARE (Texas Adoption Resource Exchange) is kicking off a new campaign called, "Why not me?" For more information, visit their website at http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Why_Not_Me/default.asp

Why are you kissing him?

Honestly, I forget that I am white and my son is African American. When we are out and about, I talk to him just like he is my son, go figure. I also have a tendency to hug and kiss on him like he is my son, go figure. Oddly enough, my son does not hesitate to talk to me like I am his Mother nor does he hesitate to hug and kiss me. I forget about our differences until some puzzled passer-by stares a little too long at my child. I forget about our differences, that others see all too clearly.

I have learned to take a deep breath and ask, “Can I help you?” I have learned that if I can hold my temper most people are simply curious. I have learned that if speak directly to them, they realize that they have been staring and usually politely retreat.

Things have changed, but to see the change live and in person is still a puzzle to some people. I do my best to help solve the puzzle, but there comes a point when you are a stranger and do not need to know. I do my best to help solve the puzzle and have had many pleasant conversations about fostering, adopting, and transracial families.

The Right Mom

If you give birth to your child, the question of whether or not you are the right Mom for your child may never cross your mind. At 3:00am when you are trying to clean spit-up out of your hair while calming a crying child, you may question your ability to be Mom, but not whether you are the right Mom.

As an adoptive Mom I have questioned whether or not I was the right Mom for my child. As my son came into the terrible 2’s his temper was not just terrible. It was terrible, horrific, extreme, unbelievable and intense. I tried to just say, “He’s 2.” But something inside me wondered. As he approached 3 his tempers were constant. I was afraid to take him to the park for fear of him hurting another child. He was kicked out of Sunday School and out of a Mothers of Preschoolers group. I seriously questioned my ability to be his Mom. I questioned if I was the right Mom for him.

My adopted son is also of another race than me which seemed to compound my insecurities. I have heard slander and racists comments about me and my family, but I had always chalked that up to ignorance and the lack of a loving spirit. But as my son became increasingly more difficult to handle, was I the right Mom for him? I questioned if race really did matter and questioned whether or not I was the right Mom for him.

At his annual check, the Doctor did the usual checking height, weight and various other vital statistics, and then he started asking me developmental questions like, “Does he know his colors? Can he say his ABC’s? Can he jump? Color inside the lines?” and more. As we talked, I began to realize that there was something wrong and it had nothing to do with my ability or right to Mother him.

We were then referred for more testing and the results showed a speech and development delay. He then was accepted into speech therapy and a special education class devoted to meeting his needs. Within 6 months his tempers had become few and far between. By the end of the year, he was speaking not just words but sentences too. His difficulties had nothing to do with me.

Since he is adopted and of another race, I sometimes still wonder if I am the right Mom for him, but I cannot deny how much I love him. Through our difficult time, I did what any Mother would do. I searched, researched, asked questions and eventually did find the help he needed. With every hurdle he jumps, I am right there like any Mother cheering the victories, comforting the disappointments, helping with the hurts, encouraging him to keep on trying as well as directing, teaching, counseling when and where I can.

My son continues to improve and succeed. My son is now known for his hugs and laughter. I love this child. I am his Mother, and I am the right Mom.

Equality in Love

“Do you recommend transracial adoption?” of course, I do. I adore both my sons. I do not see one as biological and one as adopted. They are both mine. I do not see one as Caucasian and one as African American. They both need food, clothing, shelter and love.

I refer to them as biological, Caucasian and adopted, African American only as a reference and credibility tool to allow readers to understand my point of view. I never call my sons at home the biological one or the adopted one. I never adapt the house rules, privileges and punishments based on their color or their birth story. My babies are my babies, and the differences you may see in how I interact with them is not because on race or blood line, but because my sons are five (5) years apart in age.

The only time I have truly noticed a difference between my Caucasian child and my African American child is in caring for their skin and hair. One has sensitive skin and needs special soaps and detergents. One’s skin burns easily but the other son’s skin scars easily. One has really thick and curly hair and needs special conditioners. The other’s hair is curly and wild and must be kept short to look neat.

Well, if I really think about it diet and desserts are different too. One is a meat eater and the other is leaning towards being a vegetarian. One loves ice cream and the other cake. Well, if I really think about it, I can think of a lot of things that are different between the two, but not based on color or blood, but based on the fact they are two different people with different tastes and interests.

Honestly, from those descriptions do you know which is for which child? You can absolutely love all your children in your transracial family. The issues and concerns you have will be the same ones every Mom or Dad has caring for their children. When you have siblings (transracial or not), you will have the same challenges as anyone else who has two children with two different personalities.

Transracial love is parental love. Regardless of color or blood line, you will love, laugh and cry with and for your children.

Discipline or Abduction

“Whose child is this?” was the urgent question a woman asked as I tried to remove my screaming four year old from a store. I was involved in an argument with my child and really did not understand the question, so I chose to ignore her. Again with a little force, she asked, “Whose child is this?” I shook my head trying to grasp her involvement in my situation and responded, “Mine.” She apparently did not like my response and took my son by the arm. At that point both of us turned on her and asked with a little anger, “What are you doing?” I don’t know if it was the sudden unity in our response or the angry darts I was shooting with my eyes that made her decide that this was not a fight she wanted to fight.

In a traditional family, a mother removing a screaming child from a store would produce a few cheers. We are not a traditional family. We are transracial which means one of us is of one race (myself, Caucasian) and another of us from another race (one son, African American). I suppose the woman looked at us and saw an abduction and not discipline.

I know that I have to be thicked skinned. I know that not everybody agrees with our family values. I know that these days you just don’t know who the good guys are or the bad guys are based on appearances.

I don’t know how to let strangers know that I am discipline-ing my child and not abducting some child.

Fall Festival at Home

One year it rained and our church’s outdoor festival was cancelled. We made an impromptu festival in our house. Some of the games we created were:

• Bean Bag Toss - We got several plastic bowls and a bean bag (you could use a small ball). I dropped some candy in the bowls so the kids got the candy from the bowl they hit.
• Hool-a-hoop – We were fortunate to have two hool-a-hoops, so we had a little contest. The winner got candy.
• Jumpin’ Bean – If you don’t have hool-a-hoops, you could have a jumping contest. Just have the kids jump in place until only one is standing. You may want to do this one last as a way to wear the kids out and settle them down to go to bed.
• Bowling – We got some plastic cups and set them up like bowling pins and a ball. Depending on how many you knocked down, decided how many pieces of candy you got.
• What is that? – I gathered several things from around the house like a tube of toothpaste, a pair of socks folded into a ball, a wooden spoon, etc. I put them I a box and covered them with a blanket. The kids reached in the box and without looking had to say what it was. This is fun especially if you have small toys and squishy things.
• Long Jump – This was a standing long jump. We used tape to mark several distances. If they jumped on or below the first tape, the child got one piece of candy. If the child jumped between the second and first tape, they got two pieces of candy. If the child jumped between the third and second tape, they got three pieces of candy. You get the idea.
• Penny Walk – This is an old party game. Line up jars, cups or bowls at one end of the room. Then you have one child per jar line up across from their jar on the other end of the room. Place a penny between each child’s knees. They must walk with the penny between the knees across the room and deposit the penny in the jar. You can do it with just one jar and take turns. Everybody who gets the penny in the jar gets candy.
• Relay Treats – I got this one from a school holiday party. You need two bowls, a big spoon and candy like M&M’s or Skittles or Sweet Tarts. Pour the candy into one bowl and set at one end of the room. Set up an empty bowl at the other end of the room. Have the child use the big spoon to scoop up as much candy as they can, walk across the room and then put the candy in the empty bowl. Whatever candy makes it into the bowl, the child gets to keep. To make it more challenging, place a smaller cup in the empty bowl. Whatever makes it into the cup is the prize.
• Obstacle Course – Everybody gets candy for participating. Devise your own obstacle course. Time the kids as they go through it to make it a little competitive. Your course could include crawling through a tunnel (under a table or through a series of adult legs, lots of fun when the tunnel tickles), over the hill (a chair), around the mountain (a chair or kitchen island), into a cave (a table with a long cloth), along a ravine (walk a straight line: tape or 2x4 piece of wood or broom), and out of the forest (coats, through a coat closet or create a coat rack with a broom (one adult holds one end and another adult holds the other and the coats are hung on the broom)).
• Hot and Cold / Treasure Hunt – hide a special prize. The simple version the kids walk around and you simply say if they are hot or cold / close or far from the treasure. A more complicated version is the treasure hunt where you give cryptic clues where the treasure is buried. Clues can include “Cute and fuzzy, Beware of the Wild Animals” (a bunch of stuffed animals). “A reflection of me won’t appear before you” (a mirror)
  

Halloween is not really a holiday for me and my family, but the Fall Festival sure has a lot of family fun to offer.

Halloween vs. Fall Festival

As a Mom, I have a problem with Halloween. Regardless of its origins as a celebration to mark the passing of summer and the beginning of winter, regardless of its connections with honoring the dead, today’s version is far from a simple celebration or commemorative event. Too much of today’s Halloween is about blood and guts, devils and evils, and scaring the pants off people.

So what is a Mom to do? I tell my kids we do not celebrate Halloween. We celebrate the Fall Festival. We give thanks for the bounty God has provided and celebrate by sharing the booty (candy). Here are some ways we celebrate:

• Costumes - I allow my kids to dress up, but it can’t be scary. With boys, that is a tough order, so we try to stick to cartoon characters, super heroes and vehicles (trains, cars, etc.).
• Candy – We do not go trick or treating, but we do attend a church Fall Festival. Personally, I really like this option: less fear about what is in the candy, not as much candy, but enough candy to bring smiles to little faces.
• Pumpkins – We enjoy the pumpkin patch experience. If we have time, we will drive out to a pumpkin patch and enjoy a day in the country.
  
  Decorating our pumpkins - When my kids were young, I gave them a bunch of markers and let them decorate to their hearts content. Now that they are getting older, I do allow them to carve the pumpkin but again nothing scary. Two (three and four) faced pumpkins are fun. Geometric designs make interesting shadows.
  
  Pumpkin Story – I have read and heard several versions of how to incorporate the carving of the pumpkin with the Christian faith. My favorite children’s book is The Pumpkin Gospel by Mary Manz Simon. The copy we have glows in the dark so fun for all. Anyway, the basic Pumpkin Story is accepting Christ into your heart is like carving a pumpkin. Before Christ, you are full of all sorts of yucky stuff (sin). When you accept Christ, he opens you up and cleans all that yuck out (forgiveness). When the joy of Christ fills you, a smile appears bright on your face (decorative carvings). With Christ in your heart, his love will shine (candle) through you.
• Decorations – I like to decorate for holidays so this is for me. I stay away from scary. I also stay away from happy witches, ghosts, goblins and any other superstitious figures. I do collect scarecrows and happy pumpkins. I like to use colorful fall leaves. If I wasn’t allergic to candles, I would probably enjoy setting out decorative candles in orange, rust and yellow.
• Craft – This is a take off of the gingerbread house. I cover a cookies sheet or piece of cardboard with foil. I gather graham crackers, icing, candy corn, candy pumpkins and other fall candies and sprinkles. My kids and I then create our own Fall Scene with barn, crops, fences and whatever seems like fun at the time. (The icing is the glue that holds the graham cracker buildings and fences together.) This craft is fun to create and fun to eat J
• Party – Fall Festivals are lots of fun and usually free. Some have an entrance fee and most usually have a snack stand to help raise funds so take a little cash. Fall Festivals usually have areas for photo opportunities, games, rides and candy. Fall Festivals allow your kids to wear their costumes, have fun and if you go to one at a church, learn a little about faith, family and fellowship.

Stupid Question #6

“Babysitting?” another parent at the park asked me (Caucasian Mom) while watching my African American son slide down the slide. “No,” was my simple answer. The parent squirmed with curiosity and then began the full series of stupid questions.

“Is he real?” I answered, “Yes.”
“Is he yours?” I answered, “Yes.”
“Is he a mix?” I answered, “No.”
“You are African American?” I answered, “No.”
“Where did you get him?” I answered, “The hospital.”

I guess I have a mean streak. I truly enjoyed watching this poor parent try and figure it all out. She got real close to my face and inspected it closely to see if I was African American. I didn’t know her, and she didn’t know us. I just didn’t see why it should matter. He was my son and that was that.

When you adopt a child of another race or color, be prepared for the stupid questions. Times have changed and there are a lot more interracial, transracial and other racial families out there. I always enjoy seeing one. I know and they know that they are asked about their family everywhere they go. I and they want to respect mine and their privacy. Just about every family I have come across offers a simple smile with a nod of the head that says, “I know.”

So here I will end this series. I am sure there are many more stupid questions and some may be posted at a later date. But for now, this is the end. There really isn’t such a thing as a stupid question if you are sincere. If you are a prospective adoptive parent, head up! Transracial adoption can and does work. You will love your child as your own. You will come to a time where you do not see a child of color, but you will see your child.

Stupid Question #5

“Whose child is this?” was the question a nice man asked as he caught my son who was in full stride running outside a restaurant. It was a busy night and we had to wait. I was letting my kids run to the end of the sidewalk and back. The Nice Man thought he was helping by catching a running child. I approached and said, “He is mine.” The Nice Man did not look so nice anymore. He looked at me and said even louder, “Whose child is this?” Again, I told him, “He is mine.” The Man started to push my son behind him I suppose to protect the child from me. I gently smiled, looked at my son, and said, “Son, tell the Nice Man my name.” Of course, he yelled, “Mommy,” laughed and ran into my arms. The Nice Man looked us over pretty hard, but then I suppose he decided my son’s affection towards me was genuine and not induced.

When you adopt a child of another race or color, be prepared for the stupid questions. I can’t say this one was stupid. I can say that this post is more of a “be aware” post for prospective adoptive parents.

I actually get this often especially when I leave my son in childcare. If there is a new volunteer or paid worker who does not know us, they usually require an I.D. or some proof that he is my son. I don’t normally carry around our adoption papers. I usually have to wait until the person who checked us in can be located. I have never had anyone refuse to release my son to me. My son is very rambunctious and affectionate, and he is quite loud in his announcement that, “Mommy is here.” He helps a lot in putting childcare workers at ease that I am the Mommy.

Stupid Question #4

“Where did you get him?” was the question of another Mom at the park as we watched our children run up and down the slide. “The hospital,” was the only answer I could muster (though another blogger had a witty remark, “Wal-mart.”).

When you adopt a child of another race or color, be prepared for the stupid questions. The Mom at the park then clarified her question, “Where is he from?” I told her he was born right here in our city. “Oh, that’s nice,” was her condescending reply and with nose in the air, she walked away. So, am I supposed to be apologetic for adopting locally?

Sorry, my story does not include an interesting transatlantic voyage with cloak and dagger and an exciting exodus to freedom as we saved our son from the grips of death. Oh, I do have one excerpt that might be considered exciting. I use to walk with my son in a stroller at the same time on the same route everyday. We always ended at a park.

There came a time when I noticed a strange car on our route. The first day I saw it, I did not think anything of it. The second day, I wondered if it had broken down, but then on the third day I saw it at another spot on our route. Day four and five, I noticed the same car in different spots. I tried to shake it off as paranoia, but when I saw it at the park, all the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

I saw two heads in the car and started to turn the stroller around. My son then protested rather loudly. I stopped walking and tried to console him. As I talked to my son, I looked back at the car and the two heads. They were not looking at us. They seemed to be deep in conversation with each other. I must be paranoid, and I decided to go to the park.

My son jumped out of the stroller and ran laps around the park. I had almost forgotten the car and the two heads. I was pushing my son on the swing when one of the car doors opened and then was slammed shut. The two heads were arguing and one was trying to get out of the car. That was enough for me. Ignoring my son’s protests, I strapped him in the stroller. I could hear their argument now, “They are happy! Leave them alone!” I sprinted home.

I never saw the car or the two heads again. Of course, it took weeks for me to be comfortable walking outside with my son again. I now mix up our walks with bike rides at different times of day and we don’t take the same routes.
I struggled with whether I should report it or not. I struggled with even telling my husband. What would I report? Two heads that I cannot describe had an argument in a car that I cannot describe next to the park.

Maybe I am paranoid, but as a Mom, my greatest fear is the loss of either of my children. With my adopted son, fear of loss is a little more real. I don’t care where he came from; he is my son.

Stupid Question #3

“Are you going to tell him he is adopted?” Now here is where a little common sense would do the inquisitor some good. I am a fair skinned, light haired, green eyed Caucasian woman with a dark skinned, darker haired, browned eyed, African American son. Do I have to answer that question?

When you adopt a child of another race or color, be prepared for the stupid questions. I suspect my son is going to realize that something is different between him and us. Even as a toddler before he could speak, he would spend much time examining my hand and comparing it to his. Was he perplexed by the difference in color? Was he impressed by the difference in size? As an inquisitive toddler, I am sure it was a little of both.

Yes, I am going to tell my son he is adopted. I love the word “adopted” because of all the joy this adoption has brought to our family. I hate the word “adopted” because in our everyday, he is not my “adopted” son. He is my son who I dearly love.

Stupid Question #2

“Is he yours?” an inquisitive stranger asked pointing at the bundle of joy nestled in my arms. My baby grabbed their finger, so I asked, “Is he yours?” The stranger snatched their finger back with a look of surprise and then nervously laughed and hurried off.

When you adopt a child of another race or color, be prepared for the stupid questions. I, the Caucasian, White Non-Hispanic, Mom, am very aware of how “mine” my African American son is. Just like any other Mom, he is my pride and joy and sometimes embarrassment.

My son is now a pre-schooler and very inquisitive. He likes to test everything. He is very curious to see what things do. He eyeballs every object closely and explores with a lick for taste, lots of touching for feel, a sniff here and there for smell and a knock for sound which is usually more of a bang against another object to hear it good and loud.

Last week at our Children’s Church program I was volunteering in the worship center, busy with crowd control of a couple hundred wiggly, giggly school aged kids. I saw my son’s teacher coming towards me. I saw my son behind her eyeing something. As the teacher was making the pass of his color pages and him to me, my son broke loose and darted for the wall. Before I could grab him, he pushed the button which turned off all the lights in the worship center. Of course, these lights don’t just come back on when you flick the switch. They go off in a blink but back on takes some warming up time. As I tried to control my son, I turned around and saw all the people in the center looking at us. Yes, he is my son, and I still love him.

Stupid Question #1

“Is he real?” asked a passing stranger admiring my African American toddler. My Caucasian son answered that question eloquently, “Does a doll burp?” Then he mustered a burp that made the toddler laugh and burp. Then the two brothers proceeded to have a burping contest. I, the “white, Non-Hispanic” Mom, stirred things up a bit by producing my own, very large burp. I love having boys.

When you adopt a child of another race or color, be prepared for the stupid questions. Yes, this was a real question. We are real people. We are transracial which means some in our family are from one race and some are of another race, in our case: Caucasian and African American.

My son is very real to me. Right now he is sick and my heart beats strongly for him. It appears to be just a cold, but he is a thin, little guy and to hear the rattle in his chest and the stuffiness in his nose just hurts me. I am caring for him like any mother cares for her son with medicine, hot soup, steam baths and lots of hugs. I am not sleeping at the moment since with every cough he makes throughout the night, I am up checking on him.

My son is very real to me. I don’t see an adopted, African American child. I see my son, and he needs me.

Stupid Questions

When you adopt a child of another race and/or color, be prepared for the stupid questions. Just so you know, I am a light skinned, green eyed, woman. My light skinned, green eyed husband and I have two sons: a biological, blond haired, blue eyed son and an adopted, dark skin, brown eyed son. The politically correct term for our family is transracial.

For the first stupid question, “Are you African American?” If you could see me, you would find that question quite humorous. I am from Scotch/Irish decent. I am pretty darn white with freckles. I can only guess it is the freckles that give the question some credence.

Thus begins a series, I like to call “Stupid Questions.” Now the Mom and Teacher in me says, “The only stupid question is the one that was never asked.” So when people ask me these stupid questions, I take a deep breath and try to politely answer.

Here is a tip for people on the outside looking into a transracial family. COMMON SENSE and don’t forget, PRIVACY. You don’t need to know all my business or the history of my child, and if you are a total stranger, I am not going to tell you. I am not trying to be rude. It is just none of your business.

If you continue to read this blog, you will learn quite a bit about us. Mostly I am doing this as an educational tool. I get asked a lot of questions, and I appreciate people with a genuine interest. I appreciate people considering the same path who want to hear from someone who has been there, done that. I do not appreciate people who see us as a curiosity or feed for some gossip.

Just like anything else, once you get into it, your eyes open and you see how common you are. We may seem odd to you, but to us and the numerous other families like us. We are one of many.

Budget, Plan and Have Fun

Fun with kids in public places like parks, zoos, museums or other entertainment or amusement place can be a memory you will never forget for one of two reasons. Everybody had a fantastic time, or something, or someone, went terribly awry; and oh my gosh, you/they will never live it down.
Whether your disaster had to do with money or people, a little planning may have averted the trouble. Here are a couple of tips to help you prepare.

• Use the interent – The internet is a great place for ideas. Once you have decided to go to a certain place, you can usually find a website for the location you are going to visit. Visit the website and budget your time, your costs and your mileage (see below for more information.)
• Budget – This relieves a lot of stress. Budgeting your expenses and your time will help you to communicate with all adults and children participating. You don’t have to be extremely detailed. If everybody has a general idea of expectations, kids won’t whine so much about being bored and adults won’t whine so much about being ready to go. It also helps elevate some of the tension when the, “I wants,” creep up. Here is the budget. If you want that, you have to sacrifice this. Don’t forget flexibility. Fun with kids does not always go as planned and flexibility is the key for both kids and adults to have fun.
• Budget Your Time – If you have small children, you need to consider naps, potty breaks and feeding schedules. Visit the website of the location and get a list of activities. Review the list and create a rough agenda of things you want to do. This is to be rough. Again, fun with kids does not always go as planned and flexibility is the key for both kids and adults to have fun. With an agenda it will help you to be flexible so you can adjust for non-optional events like naps and feedings while having a list in mind of what you can move around to accommodate your child’s, or spouse’s, needs and wants.
• Budget Gas Money – There are several places on the internet that allow you to map directions from your home to your destination. (Yahoo Maps is just one. http://maps.yahoo.com/) This is a great tool not only for directions but for budgeting how much money you will spend on gas. I use a simple formula which is miles round trip from home to destination divided by my vehicle’s average miles per gallon times the average price per gallon of gas. For example, to drive from Houston to Austin round trip is roughly 330 miles round trip (does not include driving around Austin). The formula looks like (330/15)*3 = $66 dollars for gas. The 330 is the miles round trip. The 15 is the average miles per gallon my car gets, and the 3 is the average price of gas per gallon. So 330 miles, should only consume 22 gallons at 15 miles per gallon (does not account for speeding, traffic or detours). Twenty two gallons time three is $66.
• Take a Cooler - Regardless of where our field trips take us whether it is an hours drive or just 5 minutes, I always pack a small cooler. I always pack at least one drink and one snack for everybody going. This really helps the budget by preventing temptation to buy at snack stands or road side stops. It also helps prevent temptation of buying dessert if you know you have a tastey treat waiting for you in the car. If it is a long trip, I pack two; one for bored kids asking, “are we there yet?” on the way there and one for worn out kids on the way home.
• Reward Grab Bag – This is my way of keeping my kids from asking, “are we there yet?” I usually don’t take the Grab Bag unless the trip is a couple of hours or more. Basically, when the noise level in the car has gone beyond my patience, I announce quiet time. If you are quiet for 15 minutes, you get to grab from the bag. If my children are being troublesome on one hour trips, I may take the bag and say they have to be good for the entire drive time. The grab bag is not hard to fill. I fill it with little toys, small crafts like paper airplanes, crayons, color pages, stickers, puzzles and books from dollar stores. Wal-mart has a cheap toy isle where you can usually find stuff for less than a dollar, and Target has a dollar section that has seasonal fun stuff. Some of the toys are toys we have collected from kids meals. They are unopened kids meal toys. Some went to the grab bag because my kids did not eat/behave well and lost their toy privilege. Some went to the grab bag because the meal was eaten somewhere the kids forgot about the toy as they ran off to play (picnics at the park). Regardless, it is a cheap way to reward your kids for good behavior.

Adoption Resources

Adoption, the word invokes so much emotion: joy and tears, love and fear. Adoption, the word holds so much meaning for children, for parents and for the extended family and friends. Adoption is such a simple word for such a complex concept and process.

As an adoptive parent, I highly recommend adoption, but I do not recommend fostering or adopting on a whim or as an act to fulfill some Christian or civic duty. Fostering can be a very long term commitment and adoption is for life. I have a biological child, and I have an adopted child. I can safely say, "You will love both just as if they were both flesh of your flesh." But you will face many challenges, so be committed and work on growing some thick skin.

Off the soap box and away from sentiments, adoption is a simple word for a complex process. There are several types of adoption: private, agency, foster to adopt, domestic and international.
For whatever reason you have for deciding to adopt, once you have made the decision, you will need to evaluate your financial and emotional resources. You will need a support network as you go through this process. The money part of adoption disgusts me and infuriates me, but I don't have an alternative solution. There are a lot of people involved in adoption and somehow everybody needs some compensation for their skill and time and moneys need to be made available to care for your adopted child and children still waiting adoption.

So first things first,

• Private adoption is a direct adoption between a biological parent and a adoptive parent. Most of the time these adoptions are between family and friends. A biological parent has died or suffered some extreme trauma and the child is placed with family or a very dear friend.
• Agency adoption is the utilization of an agency to facilitate placement of a child and finalization which is legally binding the child to the adoptive parent(s). Agencies offer a number of adoptive programs including Private and "Foster to Adopt".
• Foster to Adopt can be accomplished working directly with the State (I don't recommend it. An agency can really help you traverse the legal swells of paper and training and yadda yadda yadda.) Foster to Adopt is just what it sounds like: fostering a child until they are available for adoption and then adopting them. If you have limited resources, this is a great option. As a certified Foster family, you will receive compensation from the State monthly to help pay for the child's food, clothes and other care needs. You won't get rich this way, so don't do it for the money, but if you want to adopt and cannot afford the $15,000 plus dollars private and international adoptions can cost, this is a great option.
• Domestic Adoption is a child born within your own country. They could be in your own home town or from another town or from another state. If you cross State lines to adopt a child, you will need to consult adoption procedures in both states.
• International Adoption is an adoption of a child from another country. This can be a very pricey, but very rewarding and exciting adoption. When planning your expenses, you will need to evaluate the agency costs, travel costs, foreign country fees for adoption and legal fees to finalize the adoption within the United States. There are too many different rules and regulations to say what you will face. Each country has their own rules for how old a child has to be to be available for adoption or how long you must be in the country for "culture" training and legal processes.

You have decided to adopt and you have decided on the type of adoption that best fits you. Here are some resources to get the ball rolling:

• Favorite Site: Shaohannah’s Hope. In addition to great information about adoption that is easy to read and easy to find, they also offer financial advice. http://members.shaohannahshope.org/site/PageServer
• http://www.adoption.com/ - Adoption in Texas
• http://www.adoptation.org/ - Adoption in Houston, Texas

Family by Choice

My husband and I had been married 3 years when we welcomed our first bundle of joy into our family. We could not have been more proud or happy with our 11 pound, 12 ounce, baby boy. The road to this point had a few bumps and turns. Two doctors had told me that I probably could not have children. One doctor said, "Let's try first and then we will look at options." I liked that. A year and some later of "trying" and the doctor beginning to discuss alternatives said, "Ooops, you are pregnant." What joy and exhilaration!

Six months after the birth of our pride and joy, my husband was diagnosed with an advanced and aggressive cancer. Our faith gave us the peace that goes beyond any understanding. I knew my husband was going to be ok, but when the doctor told us that after the surgery my husband was no longer going to be able to have children, you could have knocked me over with a feather.
The question became, "what makes a family?' We knew single people who were perfectly happy living alone with no children. We knew couples who were perfectly happy with one precious child. We knew families who were perfectly happy with two, four and six kids sharing laughs and hugs. We were perfectly happy with our one beautiful boy, but still there seemed to be something missing. After my husband completed all his surgeries and treatments, we really talked a lot about our family and made a choice. We wanted more children.

We tried fertility treatments. This is not something done lightly. It is a commitment to schedules and medications. Giving myself shots was hard. The disappointment each time a treatment did not end in a pregnancy was hard. When we had a consultation and looked hard at the expense and the odds, it was devastating. I couldn't justify the expense for the small odds. I began to mourn. I mourned the loss of a child that would never be born.

Family by choice became a critical mantra to keep me sane, to keep my marriage together and to keep me from smothering our one son. More than one friend said, "You can have kids. Leave your husband and start over." There are no guarantees in life and oh my gosh, how shallow is my marriage if I can leave him like this. No, I loved my husband and his ability or inability to have children had nothing to do with it. If he can't have children, then neither can I.

Family by choice kept my spirits up as I decided to research adoption. The expense of adoption truly turned me off. My husband and I had decided that a child was a child no matter his or her color and looked at domestic and international adoptions. I was absolutely offended when one agency told me if I wanted a white/Caucasian child it would cost $15,000 plus, but if I wanted a discount, I should consider a black/African American child. They could get me an African American child for less than $10,000. Brokering children, putting value on a child based on their color was disgusting. I wanted to take as many African American children I could, except one I didn't have that kind of money and two I didn't want that agency to get any of my money.

My heart ached but I decided it was time to accept that we were to have only one child. As I sat at McDonald's watching my toddler play, I also noticed a Mom with three small children joyfully struggling to get all her wiggle worms fed. When her crew was freed to go play, she turned and asked me if I liked her children. I was apologetic. I didn't mean to stare. She then went into how she adopted one and then another. She told me how the State would pay you to "Foster to Adopt."

Foster to Adopt is the quintessential example of Family by Choice. We got registered, certified and brought our home up to code to Foster to Adopt. Through the assistance of an adoption agency, we were presented to the State as a good Foster home for a child most likely to be available for adoption in the near future. After 6 months to get certified, after another 6 months of waiting, we got a call and were given one hour to decide to go to the hospital regarding a new born. We were told we needed to go down there for an interview. We had been through this before. The state interviews several families to determine the best fit for a child. When I walked into the hospital and the nurse said, "You must be the Mom. Do you want to hold your baby?" I burst into tears. He was so small, so perfect.

We did have an interview but it was quite different from what we expected. Basically, we got the horror story. The tragedy the mother had endured. The tragedy the father was in. The tragedy this child had survived. There were health issues and concern that the child would not come up for adoption. We made a choice. We took that child home. Six months later he was available for adoption. Another eight months later we had a court date to finalize the adoption.

We are officially called a "transracial" family. Mom and Dad are Caucasian. Big brother is a biological child and Caucasian. Little brother is adopted and African American. All together, we are a family by choice. We love, laugh and cry just like any other family. We just do it by choice.