Our journey to get certified to foster led us down a path we did not expect. The hardest most, heart wrenching, thought provoking part of the process was filling out the survey to determine what type of child we were able to foster and potentially adopt. Honesty and good intentions do not make you a good parent for all children. There are other things to consider.
While we were taking our certification classes, we had a packet of forms to fill out. In these forms there was a very long survey that really helped my husband and I talk about how extreme a special need we thought we could handle. When we thought of Special Needs, we thought of handicapped. A wheelchair or walker, no problem for us; we thought physical handicaps are no problem. We could learn sign language or adapt to the needs of the blind. The survey got detailed and asked questions that we had not thought about regarding feeding tubes and breathing machines and medications. We had to talk a lot.
Our hearts said we could care for any child with any need, but our minds made us do a reality check. Some of these medical needs would not be short term. Some of these needs would place this child in our home for life. A lifetime commitment was what we were making, but a lifetime caring for a child that would never be independent that would physically live with us for our entire life made us think. We wouldn’t just be making this commitment for ourselves. We would be making this commitment for the son we already had. Who would care for the child that grew into an adult when we were gone? Aside from all the doctors, the time, the money; we had to think about our extended family.
As we thought about our extended family, we thought about the impact of a mentally challenged child. Our first thoughts were of Down syndrome and cases like that. We knew families affected by Down syndrome, and they loved their kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world. We could handle it, but could our son? Could our extended family? Then as we went through the survey, the survey broadened our minds to the possibilities of what mental challenge meant. It reached far beyond Down syndrome.
What about children of abuse and neglect? The classes told us about odd habits that seem harmless, but may be signs of a long term mental challenge such as food hording. Some children don’t have a special blanket, doll or teddy bear; and some children don’t have any attachment to any toy of any kind. Some children have attachment disorders which means they will not bond with you. Therapy can help, but it may take years, or never, before the child will hold your hand or give you a hug. I am not a real touchy-feely person, but I hug my kids a lot. It would break my heart to not be able to hug and hold my kids. Could I handle a child who was incapable of hugging? It made me think.
For us with a small child already in our home and limited financial means, we decided we were best suited for a child of low legal risk and low rate of special needs. Our check list was getting checked off. Our focus moved from certification to aesthetics. We looked at our home. We wanted to make it ready and inviting to any child placed with us. Time to move to the next step.
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